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I'm so confused.
Posted February 14th 2010 at 01:14 AM by John 6:29
Saturday, February 13th
The past week I haven't spent too much time in the Word or in prayer, maybe a few chapters a day and 15 minutes in prayer a day. Today, I haven't read anything and have barely prayed. I fell into pornography twice (I think), and am just stuck wondering:
How can I be saved?
It is by faith alone, yet salvation is a saving from sin and though I hate sin, I do not forsake it. To me this is an indication that perhaps the Spirit is not at work in me as it ought, if I am saved.
Today, as I was driving home from the Supermarket, I was listening to This Will Destroy You and I was just thinking about the state of my soul.
I feel my faith weakening. I believe I have come to the conclusion that I am not saved, yet I can recall the point of my conversion and it makes me realize that perhaps I am saved. There are these two conflicting points in me. I don't really see any fruit in my life so it is difficult to know if I am saved.
However, I just want to give up. I'm so sick of wondering about if I am saved. It has brought such a dark despondency over me and I am so lost. To be honest, right now I just want to get drunk and not think about it -- but I know that I can't get drunk. There's something inside of me that just can't live that way anymore. Perhaps this is a good indication of where my soul lies but I am not certain.
I am stuck with these questions:
If it is by Christ alone, how does the atonement only cover for some?
If faith is needed, how am I believing, yet still dwelling in sin? How much faith is enough faith? And how do I know I'm not just deceiving myself?
I feel like I know the answers, I understand the answers, but I don't believe the answers. I don't know how to believe. It's honestly a realization that God has to unveil my eyes if I am not saved, but how will He? I wish He would. But an unregenerate person can't wish for this, so am I saved? I am not certain.
For anyone reading this I apologize if this is confusing I am speaking my thoughts as they come.
I don't desire to read, I don't desire to pray, I am losing desire to go to church. Nothing has the same impact as it used to. God help me.
The past week I haven't spent too much time in the Word or in prayer, maybe a few chapters a day and 15 minutes in prayer a day. Today, I haven't read anything and have barely prayed. I fell into pornography twice (I think), and am just stuck wondering:
How can I be saved?
It is by faith alone, yet salvation is a saving from sin and though I hate sin, I do not forsake it. To me this is an indication that perhaps the Spirit is not at work in me as it ought, if I am saved.
Today, as I was driving home from the Supermarket, I was listening to This Will Destroy You and I was just thinking about the state of my soul.
I feel my faith weakening. I believe I have come to the conclusion that I am not saved, yet I can recall the point of my conversion and it makes me realize that perhaps I am saved. There are these two conflicting points in me. I don't really see any fruit in my life so it is difficult to know if I am saved.
However, I just want to give up. I'm so sick of wondering about if I am saved. It has brought such a dark despondency over me and I am so lost. To be honest, right now I just want to get drunk and not think about it -- but I know that I can't get drunk. There's something inside of me that just can't live that way anymore. Perhaps this is a good indication of where my soul lies but I am not certain.
I am stuck with these questions:
If it is by Christ alone, how does the atonement only cover for some?
If faith is needed, how am I believing, yet still dwelling in sin? How much faith is enough faith? And how do I know I'm not just deceiving myself?
I feel like I know the answers, I understand the answers, but I don't believe the answers. I don't know how to believe. It's honestly a realization that God has to unveil my eyes if I am not saved, but how will He? I wish He would. But an unregenerate person can't wish for this, so am I saved? I am not certain.
For anyone reading this I apologize if this is confusing I am speaking my thoughts as they come.
I don't desire to read, I don't desire to pray, I am losing desire to go to church. Nothing has the same impact as it used to. God help me.
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