Triggering (Suicide): Text Conversation with my boyfriend.

[Phoenix Knightingale]

Andrew (10:16 PM): Miss you already...

Me (11:42 PM): Miss you too

Andrew (12: 48 AM):

Me (1:42 AM): Where the fuck are my meds?

Andrew (1:43 AM): Gone. Not taking chances

Me (1:45 AM): If you threw them away, don't come back here.

Andrew (1:50 AM): You're welcome too... they are not thrown away, just hidden.

Me (1:50 AM): Swear to go. I'm going to kill you when you come back I was going to take a Seroquel to go to sleep when I saw what you've done. I fucking hate you right now.

Andrew (1:53 AM): If you need them I'll tell you... I'm trying to help you.

Me (1:57 AM): Whatever, you don't trust me.

Andrew (1:59 AM): You kinda make me worry... you have threatened and shit.

Me (2:01 AM): I'll start taking them again when you come back then.

Andrew (2:11 AM): I'm sorry

Me (2:12 AM) No. I"m the one who is sorry. You don't deserve to be going through this.

Andrew (2:14 AM): I love you... I signed up for this.

Me (2:15 AM): You shouldn't love someone so crazy.

Andrew (2:17 AM): But I do

Me (2:18 AM): Why? You don't deserve to be going through what I put you through and I don't deserve your love when I've treated you so bad.

Andrew (2:21 AM): cause I love you... nerd!

Me (2:21 AM): sigh

Andrew (2:29 AM): LOL

Me (2:30 AM): I can't sleep

Andrew (2:53 AM): Tylenol PM?

Me (2:57 AM): Won't help.

Andrew (2:58 AM): I'm sorry

Me (3:00 AM): I'll live.

Basically, Andrew; my boyfriend, is out of the apartment this weekend. Earlier this week we got the first eviction notice saying that we owe over $1000 on rent. I'm over whelmed by it all and started thinking that since he would be gone this weekend (Friday-Sunday possibly Monday) it would be the perfect time to finally go ahead and kill myself. Well, I have razors, but I also have high doses of Seroquel, Lithium and Celexa that I could take in one swig and end my life. He hid them, as you saw on the conversation and that pissed me off because like I said in the conversations, I wanted to take one Seroquel and a Lithium so I could sleep. Now I'm alive, but it got me; "he hid my meds... BUT NOT THE RAZORS!"

[Ral.]

Ellie,

Please. Don't do this. You know that this will destroy him.

Just put the blade, the knife, anything down. Because you are so much stronger than this. All of TH is here to support you and help you through this.

You can do this, you can get through it. One day at a time but you can, you don't need this.

Can't you call your boyfriend and talk to him? Let him talk you out of it. He loves you and he's clearly worried, he doesn't want you to hurt yourself, so you need to tell him. He deserves that at least.

Please. Reconsider.

VM/PM me, we can talk through this.

~Jack.

[Phoenix Knightingale]

We are talking through text + since he is at a convention for the weekend. Just casual talk though; non of this drama-llama crap I've been saying lately and still hiding deep inside. I haven't cut since yesterday and that cut yesterday happened while he was here at the apartment, taking a shower in our bathroom. He knows I cut yesterday; denied it at first saying that I just banged my knee when really I effed up my knee by cutting a deep gash but then I confessed ON FACEBOOK that I did indeed cut yesterday afternoon. The razor is down, but at ready for if I need to pick it up again.

[Ral.]

Don't you think that you should tell him? He'll worry regardless, believe me. I have a girlfriend who's been through the exact same thing, and I worried about her constantly.

Cutting happens, it's not the healthiest way to get through things but if needs be it is there, I know that. Just don't end everything, there's so much more to live for than there is reasons to end everything.

I understand that it's harder to tell someone in person what's happened, because I'm triggered by other people's emotions to what I've done, so that much I can understand. But you don't need to do this.

Talk to me if you need to,
~Jack.

[Phoenix Knightingale]

I know he's probably freaking out as he is over at this convention. Maybe because he could be realizing "shit! I forgot to hide any sharp stuff from Ellie," or "we have such a small apartment, maybe Ellie found her meds." But I'm still alive, right. Up to now nothing has triggered me but if it does, I know what resources I have. Either I'll come here or to any other support group I'm a member of or worse comes to worse, I'll cut again just to relief myself. Hopefully I won't be triggered to the point of cutting.

[Ral.]

Exactly, you're still alive, now just take it day by day and you'll get through this. It might be hard but it's definitely worth it.

If you need to, I'm sure TH will be happy to help and support you, I believe Dez is online so you could PM/VM her, she's a lot better at supporting people than I am, but you could message me too if you'd like.

You can do this!

Be safe, and stay strong.
~Jack.