Triggering (Suicide): suicidal ideation...[VENT]

[Em0bxy]

My grandmother in the course of 3 days has said to me:
"Fuck off"
"bitch"
"Your voice is annoying me."
"You're obnoxious."
And some other rude things. this is normal for her but it's starting to get to me. I really want to shut down and go back into a bad place to show her that she's affecting me, I'm already in a really bad place mentally yet nobody sees it. and she doesn't stop. No MATTER what I do she doesn't stop. Whether I tell her to stfu or show her my self-harm and say "This is because of you!" She doesn't stop. She doesn't care. She's tearing me apart. I can't keep doing this...it makes me wanna die. I dyed my hair red to show I'm dying on the inside. That's my representation of the red on my head now. I made it almost 7 days free from self-harm, and I had to scratch during state testing yesterday. I did it in class, I'm pretty sure my teacher noticed but she didn't say anything. I was tearing myself apart mentally. I kept telling myself If I get tutoring all bets are off and I'm dead for. I kept telling myself if I can't reach my stretch goal I will kill myself. I kept making all these situations of failure in my head and saying if they happen I will kill myself. I think my mind is trying to escape my grandmother, because every scenario I've pictured me committing suicide at school, where nobody could stop me or find me fast enough to get anything to stop. I've stopped eating. I have a boyfriend but we don't socialize a lot anymore. I'm listening a lot to my depression playlists again. I've been having a harder time fighting the self-harm thoughts, but yet I can still put on a fake smile and mark a 5 on my safety paper every morning and keep my head up until I get home just so people don't know I'm struggling again. I want to just shut..off.. I want to keep my head down and not do my work. I want people to see the pain so I can get help. But I don't want to go back to the hospital, my grandmother makes me feel shameful for that. My backpack gets searched through everyday so I can't bring anything in my backpack I could use to harm myself, I'd have to use my pockets, since those don't get searched through. I wish my bl@de was never thrown away to be honest. My school found it and threw it away and called home and got the school psychiatrist to come down and see me I the nurses office with the principal, social worker, and guidance counselors there. It was really scary and traumatizing but I'd do anything to escape my grandmother and this horrid life I'm living. my thoughts get more morbid every fucking day it's not even funny.

-Rae

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

If you can try talking to somebody that you trust at school and let them know that this is going on so that they can help you to feel better soon and help you to fix what is going on. Hope you will be okay soon.

[Em0bxy]

I told the guidance counselor a little about what she says but not how it affects me and I got no advice whatsoever, I'm just trying to avoid staying out of the hospital.