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Idk how i can possibly continue living -
Today, 01:38 AM
This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.
[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Im trans (ftm) & from a place where i will genuinely get killed if anyone finds out about it (chechnya). But i cant live closeted forever, its killing me. Going out is so hard for me because whenever i see a young cis guy i have to genuinely try not to bawl my eyes out because of how jealous i am and how badly i wished that it was me. And this happens every damn time i leave my apartment. Last time i was at my home village i was hanging out with my cousin, we were taking a walk, and he just randomly points at a corner and tells me a guy got beaten up there because people found out he's gay. Apparently he even broke some bones, thats how badly they had beaten him up. That was back in august, and ever since, i think of that guy so often. I feel so bad for him. I've cried about it so often because everytime i think about him i also think that sooner or later people will also find out that im trans + bi and beat me up like that guy. Because im openly queer on the internet, i always feel so paranoid about someone i know IRL finding my accounts, but the internet is the only place where i can be a guy. I dont have many friends in real life, i have autism and depression which makes socializing impossible for me. I have one friend from school, and shes homophobic just like the rest. I really dont see the value of my life, i will never be able to get on testosterone, my people would kill me if even just one of them found out. I recently read about a chechen guy who was openly transgender and had fled to georgia for safety, just to still get murdered there by chechens. How am i supposed to not feel like the same thing will happen to me
If i dont transition, i will kill myself and if i do transition, someone else will kill me. I dont know how to not feel suicidal 24/7 because of this. I hate being queer so much.[/size][/color][/font]
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