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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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DebonaireAsh113 Offline
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Exclamation Help.... girl trouble.... suicide and cutting - July 28th 2013, 07:09 AM

Ok, so im kinda new to this and I know im gonna fuck up, but uhm... ok, I know im a terrible person, no need to tell me this.. cause I know I just seriously need some advice or help. it started two years ago with this girl (im not gonna out her real name) Elissa... so Elissa was depressed and sad and cutting when we met she was cutting and depressed and wanting to die.... so I couldn't leave, I had to do something,..... so I stayed and I took lieing and tricks and incredible lies and words that even I ddint believe at the time but.,.... I did what I had to to stop her suicide attempts and her and then one day a year into us knowing we knowing each other she decides to tell me that she likes me... and this is where the real problem starts..... So,i didn't want to reject her because she said she started cutting over guys rejecting her and leaving her so in a stupid decision I lied yet again... but I want who ever is reading this to know.... I was only thinking of her happiness and her not cutting or relapsing.... so... I was kinda sorta in a relationship, and we were together but not really... it was complicated.. and I did that on purpose cause I didn't want her getting to invested to quickly, so we were together but loosely together. now I was a freshman, and she was a junior during all this, and I still liked other girls before elissa came along, this girl named sarah, she was an amazing girl at times, and was fun, but she was really mean at times also... and I couldn't help myself, I had no other person to talk to, so I talked to Elissa about me liking Sarah and she understood, but you could tell it killed her a little inside, not this was all while school was going on and this went on for a while, until Sarah showed me that the chances of us being together were very low... so, I was sad, and decided to invest all my time into Elissa again, so we were close again, and we had this practice room at school, in our band hall, and we would go there during lunch to hang out... and it was pretty cool.... we would chill and talk, and then this went on for a while. till I started texting these other girls, and just being nice... they started liking me though... all 8 other girls started liking me, at the same time.... so I was stressed.... and didn't wanna upset anyone... you see, I always try to make everyone happy, even if im not.... so I just kinda dragged them allalong, as long as I could, until they all wanted definite answers and of course the answers were no.... yes I know im horrible. so that little episode was somewhat over, and they all hated me, and through it all elissa was there, still liking me, silently dieing, almost as stressed as i was..... and I was still searching looking and begging for a way to keep everyone happy, but it was too late, now im usually very happy, and loud, somewhat obnoxious lol but loveably so, but during this time I was sad and stressed so people asked whats up, I could talk about it so I just kept all this inside,.... and pushed everyone away.... and with all these girls, my only friends hating me, I didn't talk very much at all, and had ni friends except three, Elissa, this girl that's a good friend named Kristen and the Geraldo... so I tried my best to keep everyone happy, and I was sadder then ever..... so, again, I decided to invest all my time into elissa and I was moderately my happy self what I was talking to her, we stayed up till like 5, 6 in the morning most days, just chillin and having fun talking on the phone... so, one day in the practice room and over the phone I joked about kissing her, and the next day I did.... and we got even closer... and then we started other things like, touching Between the legs and me fingering her... and we were close... all while I was still completely unsure about my level of liking her. I was completely thinking with my penis... I know im a terrible person so, we were still in the friends with benefit zone, and her only rule was that no one could see us together, and this went on for a while.... actually it went on until the next year, so the next year she was cutting way less, and burning herself a lot less and a lot happier, she claims its cause of me, and I liked that feeling of making her happy, and everything was good, but one thing bothering me was the secrecy.... I asked why and she said its cause of her sister and I was upset about it but it was kinda ok.... I was really upset at the time though, so I neededto go think about what I was in....we happened to have a trip to Mississippi, and I used it as an escape to clear my head.... so I went and there was this girl named liz, and we talked all night in the trip, and slept on top of each other and had a lot of fun and we just talked and had a good time until on night, when she was going to her hotel room half asleep and she kisses me out of nowhere.... and I was happy, but the I rememebered Elissa, and how close we were, and I was even more confused, we held hands in public, and chilled and laughed In public, and I loved the no secrecy.... and dreaded going back to it..... and once I got back... elissa was so excited to see me... it broke my heart cause she was the one girl I managed to keep mostly happy... but she was also the one I had made cut more and the most saddest... so I avoided her and sought out advice from my friend Kristen on what to do, and she told me to tell her.... so I told her and she walked away from me and cried a lot, and cut a lot and took pills and.... everything she worked to stop just crumbled... and.. I felt terrible... worse that terrible. I had to do some serious lying to get her to stop, I had lied about attempting suicide to stop her, I had lied about cutting to stop her and these lies were building up on me. starting to hurt me from the inside, but I kept it all on the inside..... even more..... just ready to burst, and so fucking stressed...but I kept it in cause if I told her she would of cut even more, and it took a while but she stopped cutting again, and was back to kinda happy... which gave me starting ground... so, I needed to find out more about her, so she let me read her diary and I learned of everything that happened... and it was a lot... which made me feel even worse... and I just wanted to burst.... So I cried over Liz, and was very upset about that, which made both elissa and me even upset, so we were a mess for a while.... and I stopped talking to Liz... and it was hard... but she didn't care.... she never cared about me.... but I moved on and invested all my time into Elissa again, and she got even better, and stopped cutting and still had occasional suicide and pill attempts but got better, and then... we started dong more in the practice room, bj`s and my eating her out, and even anal... and I tried to keep her happy so when she started talking about liking other guys it hurt a little but, I pushed her to go date them, she was ;like no I like you, no I want you, no no no im not leaving you, so I felt like she though she was trapped, so I told her we were done...... and to go date the other guy, and she was sad, but she didn't cut or anything.... (yes im terrible) but I was proud of her, and she was just alone again, just there, sad and upset, so she started talking about this one guy, named nacho, that she used to like, before o came along, and how he just stopped talking to her one day and it hurt a lot... and I got really jealous cause when school was going on, they were always together, now, unlike all the other times, I was 100% invested, and I felt really bad,.... secretly I wanted her to do something bad, something to hurt me so I would feel better, about us, and about myself, she was the saint in the "Relationship" (The relationship was still complicated by the way) so, she talked about them hanging out, her and nacho, and I wanted them to be friends cause recently shes been talking about being bored and sad so, I lied and told her I really supported them hanging out, and the first time the hung out,,, first she didn't tell me when they were gonna hang out, and I didn't trust her,for reasons I had, and I wanted to know it they still liked each other... and she said no, never, ewwwwwww, I could never like him I want you, and then that Tuesday they were in her room tickling each other and then they just,..... kissed... and then she told me she liked him,..... and liked the kiss, and wanted to date him... and all the no`s she said before hand went away.... and she talked about how she didn't even know she liked him, and I was just..... crushed, and destroyed my world gone, and I was plunged deeper into darkness and depression then I had ever been..... and she promised that she was gonna think about us, and she did it because I upset her by constantly pushing her to be with other guys,... so that whole thing happened... I never told her my true feelings about it... I couldn't... because I cheated.... I told her everything was fine..... and that it was fine... and she told me days later that she would stop seeing him and wanted me and only me and then she stopped talking to Nacho and we worked on us... not at the time before that.... things were stable and we were all good, and actually really together... no complications beside the fact we couldn't see each other... but for the most part together... and I liked it... it was fun.... but that was out of the window.... and we were in shatters again... so... we worked on us and I needed help cause the shit hit the fan.... all the pain was.... overflowing.... the stress and pain and guilt was all too much... so I started talking to this girl named Sarah, and this other girl named Karina.... cause I needed help... and over a couple of weeks..... they both started liking me.... and sigh.... it is crazy.... so im still fixing things with Elissa and were back to together kinda that's now back to complicated status, and and Im starting to like Sarah, and both Elissa and Kristen both graduated so a coupleof days ago me and Elissa went to the mall and we made out multiple times and shes really happy and back to no cutting or burning, she had one relapse a week ago and told her sister and is now getting help, and medicine for it all, the depression and all.... and I haven't told her about Sarah and I liking each other because shes dealing with her depression already, and I don't want to be her reason for relapse again.... she says im her reason for fighting her depression.... and Karina is the girl I talk to about both Sarah and Elissa, but of course it kills her cause she likes me also, and I just... im in a big mess... for the umphteenth time, and I just want everyone to be happy,but I don't think that's possible, and they all cut, and all have stopped and use me as their reason for stopping but if I tell two of them off theyre gonna start cutting again and karina drinks ! I cant do that..... and Elissa cant handle bad news anyway. cause shes dealing with her depression and Sarah is really happy all the time, and her parents fight a lot and she was raped when she was 6 and her boyfriend cut her when she tried to breakup with her and idk..... I just wanna make everyone happy.... even if I lose big.... which I have a feeling I will eventually... I know im terrible... and I know no ones probably gonna read all of this.... and if so I just wanna know what anyone thinks I should do?????? please ?? please????? please????? I need help !!! please ?? what should I do ??? Please Reply ASAP If possible.... sorry for making it a lot..... I just got a lot going on, and its complicated
   
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Re: Help.... girl trouble.... suicide and cutting - July 28th 2013, 05:12 PM

First, I want to commend you for sharing all this with us. I can't imagine it was easy to tell us about the good, bad, and the ugly, but it gives us a really clear picture of what's been going on, and hopefully, we can say a few things to help you out!

I'm not going to lecture you, because I can see your heart was in the right place. Ultimately, you wanted to help out a friend... but the way you went about it was completely wrong. I think you can see that now, but I want to emphasize a few points.

You cannot be the knight in shining armor. You cannot save people. Elissa and all your other friends need to find their own reasons to save themselves. As a friend, you can absolutely support them; however, you cannot stop them from hurting themselves. As you can see now, not even lying or trying to please people will stop them from hurting themselves. They need to discover their own value as people, and while you can certainly emphasize how wonderful they are and build them up emotionally, you are not in control of their lives or their happiness.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh - but by lying to Elissa, you actually hindered her recovery. Instead of referring her to a counselor, or telling her parents about the self-harm, or encouraging her to seek professional help, you enabled her to continue using you as an inadequate emotional crutch. From this point on, the best thing you can do for Elissa AND for yourself is to establish very strict boundaries. If she starts hurting herself again, you need to tell an adult who can help her, and leave the responsibility of watching out for her to them. You need to focus on your own emotional well-being. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing to mess up their lives, and focus on fixing your own.

This doesn't mean you have to abandon everyone or be a crappy friend! It just means you need to have boundaries and limits to what you're willing to do. This is going to be difficult to establish at first, but with time, if you stick with it and truly make your well-being the #1 focus, it's going to get easier. Remember that there's a difference between helping/supporting others and enabling others. You can advise people, and you can offer words of comfort, but once you start trying to control their actions or take on the burden of their problems, you're no longer helping them OR yourself.

You have to give yourself and your friends more credit. People CAN support themselves, and you need to start letting go of these codependent relationships. In a way, you're struggling just as much as all your friends, and you need to trust that you can turn your life around, just as your friends can turn their lives around. Start giving them other resources, and seek out support for yourself as well (yes, even professional help, because this level of codependency is pretty severe, in my opinion). It's going to pay off in the long run, I promise you. You're going to feel horrible at first for not running to their aid and not enabling them, but it's the only chance you and they have of truly being happy, healthy individuals.





   
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