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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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My friend being abused ? - April 30th 2009, 09:55 PM

[ i dont know if this could be triggering ..]
Well... a good mate told me two days ago that he nearly committed suicide with a cable when he was ten.I was really shocked because I didn't think that a ten years old boy can almost kill himself. And he wrote a letter to say goodbye when he was ten.. then he told me that his parents hate him and 'use' him for everything.. kinda.. he doesn't have time to go out.. he has to look after the four dogs (they belong his mum).. and sometimes his dad hit him with books for example. he said that his ears bled after his dad hit him with his english book. i really couldn't believe that because he isn't sad all the time or.. well.. i dunno.. but he doesn't act weird so you can't suspect something..
the next day i started to cry in school and i shake very badly when i thought about it. its hard for me because 2 years ago i nearly committed suicide too and i tried my best to forget this time but now.. everything is coming back again.
i don't know how to help him.. i don't want him to be in pain :/



And the worst part is
before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff.
And in the free fall
I will realise I'm better off
when I hit the bottom.


this is how we dance when they try to take us down.


I am not a robot!



Keep On Moving. Keep The Faith.
Live.
Laugh.
Love. <3
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My friend being abused ? - April 30th 2009, 11:50 PM

Hey there Bella,

I know it's a shocking thing to hear about someone you thought you knew very well being abused. It's scary to think that it's so easily slips past our eyes. But, this is a regular occurrence, sadly. There are many people in your school, town, sports teams, who are being abused and often show no signs we're looking for. Honestly, not many of us walk around looking for signs either way. However, even without depression or mood changes, it's very much possible-I'm sorry to say that. There is an upside to all this though. Chances are, you're one of the few people who know about this. So, use this to both your advantages. You seem to have once felt like he did/does. So, perhaps talking and listening to each other can allow a stronger trust barrier to form.

I'm not suggesting you do nothing, certainly something needs to be done to help this boy. I'm simply suggesting you understand the situation before you make any drastic moves. Seeing as your friend is already suicidal or was once suicidal, we don't want to add more stress than needed at the moment. One of the best things you can do is listen. Listen and show compassion. Let him know you're sorry it happened and you care a lot. Give him hope that things can change and possibly open up to him about a few of your problems? Try and figure out his current living situations. For example; Is he still being abused? How bad? By who? How often? How does that make him feel? Is he often suicidal? Things like that. Try and know as much as you can before taking any sort of action.

However, I say that if the case seems to be mild. Abuse is a very serious issue and it can easily put people in the hospital or worse. We don't want to take too long and allow it to continue. This is where your best judgment comes into play. If you feel that he isn't in immediate danger, holding off for more information might be helpful. But, if things are really serious and you simply can't wait, then don't. Go with your gut instinct and possible bring the issue to a parent.

Once you know enough about the situation, you can start convincing him the best ways to solve it. I would suggest getting him to open up to other people, besides you. Possible a hot-line? Maybe he can get more ideas from them as well. Either way, make sure he's talking about it. At least to you. Then, try and get him to confront the issue before you do. It is always best to have the victim come forth for themselves. You might be able to talk him into seeing a counselor, teacher, officer or parent. You can even offer to go with him. Try and make coming out as comfortable as possible for him.

Sometimes, I know victims deny the problem of abuse being an issue. Eventually, after years of abuse, they believe it's deserved. At this point, telling someone for him might become your only option. If you do decide to tell him, make sure you trust the person to act accordingly. Maybe even someone you're both familiar with, so there is some form of trust already built. However, if reporting it yourself is preferred to be a last chance try for you, I suggest motivating him. Show him news clippings, computer articles, anything about people reporting abuse and surviving. Allow him to see that when chances are taken, goals are reached and it all isn't bad after. Also, you might want to show him cases that go unreported. Just so he knows the dangers involved with staying silent.

In the end, it will come down to how well you know your friend and what you feel most comfortable doing. If you can't handle doing all of this on your own, then telling someone first should be your plan of action. Don't become involved with something that you feel you can't handle, okay? You're a good friend either way. I know it might be a violation of trust, but his life is very important. Losing him as a friend would be better than losing him all together. Besides, eventually, he might come around and see how much love it took for you to help him. Keep your chin up okay? Try and have a positive outlook of this situation. Especially in front of him. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm a PM away. Take care and I wish your friend all the best.

~Stay strong and have faith.


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Baby stand tall. You can have it all.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My friend being abused ? - May 1st 2009, 07:42 PM

Bella,

You're an amazing friend for wanting to help him. Many would ignore this problem or try to shrug it off. Sometimes, this is because they don't know how to help and pretending nothing is wrong means they won't feel guilty. Other times, they'll think ignoring the problem will make it go away. Unfortunately though, while neither of those reactions will solve the problem or make anything better...well, it's what a lot of people will do. Whatever happens next, be proud of yourself for wanting to help. You're a great friend just for being there for him, and he clearly trusts you quite a bit if he's told you what's going on. Being able to talk about abuse and reach out for support isn't easy.

It's always tough to know what the next step would be, and what the right thing to do is because often, there's no one right thing to do. On the one hand, you want to help but on the other hand, you don't want to make things worse.

If the abuse is bad enough that it's pushed him towards suicide attempts in the past, something needs to be done about it. Either way, something needs to be done. Abuse is never all right under any circumstances and leaving the issue alone won't solve anything.

First, make sure he's getting some sort of medical treatment for the physical abuse. Even if it doesn't seem that 'bad', it's important a doctor or nurse checks his ears etc., to make sure no serious damage has been done. Remember that while it may appear on the outside that everything is okay, you never know what might be going on on the inside - for example, with his ears, his father may have done some harmful damage that can't be seen. This also applies with how he's feeling emotionally, not just physically - as you said, he might not show on the outside that something is happening at home. This could be his method with coping with the abuse - to shut it out and pretend nothing is wrong, that everything is okay.

I'd say before you take this to an adult, talk with him. See what he's comfortable and not comfortable doing, by way of reporting the abuse. If he says it's not bad enough to report...well, I'd say to respect his opinion for now. If it's not bad just now but gets worse in the future, that would be your cue to report it. If your friend wants to report the abuse but is afraid to, tell him you'll go with him when he makes the report. Having a familiar face there could make him more at ease when he makes the report. And if you think the abuse is having a serious impact on him [not that abuse ever has a positive impact, I'm saying like, if his safety is in serious danger] I'd say to go ahead and report it, with or without him.

For reporting this, you have a couple of options. You could speak with a teacher or school guidance counselor - they're required by law to report child abuse to the proper authorities. Or, you could go straight to the police and file a report there. If he has injuries that need medical attention, you could also bring him to the hospital and when they ask what the injuries were caused by, you could tell them it was child abuse and they'd also have to report it to the authorities. The only difference between all of these options is where you start. At the end of the day, the reports are all going to end up at the attention of the police. It's just a matter of how you go about bringing it to the police.

And while it's lovely you want to help your friend out, it's very important you make sure you're taking good care of yourself as well. Don't take on more than you can handle...your safety and well-being is important as well. You won't be able to help him if you crash and burn because this is too much for you to handle. Don't feel guilty or anything if you don't think you can help - everyone is different, and everyone can handle different things. Let me know anytime you want to talk about anything, ok? Take good care of yourself and hang in there.



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Re: My friend being abused ? - May 3rd 2009, 07:04 PM

Hey..
Thank you so much (:
I thought about reporting it and i talked to him but he said he doesnt want to go to a childrens home. he said he has to wait 1 and a half year and then he can move out. today i was at his house and we were alone and then suddenly i had to go because his parents came home.. we ran downstairs and i went home.
he was very sorry then but if his parents knew i was there they would say that he is a stupid idiot and an asshole and so on.. :/
i am so afraid of him. we have known each other for 3 months now and he really trusts me.
honestly.. i feel sick when i think about the fact that he has to live in this house. it makes me very sick.



And the worst part is
before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff.
And in the free fall
I will realise I'm better off
when I hit the bottom.


this is how we dance when they try to take us down.


I am not a robot!



Keep On Moving. Keep The Faith.
Live.
Laugh.
Love. <3
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My friend being abused ? - May 3rd 2009, 10:35 PM

Hm, he wouldn't necessarily be sent straight to a children's home if he chose to report it. A social worker would most likely be assigned to his case, and after an investigation would decide where the best place to send him would be. Often, the goal of a social worker will be to place the child somewhere where the child's life will be disrupted as least as possible - the social worker would try to find a relative or close family member your friend could live with for the time being. Your friend might go into a foster home for a little while - but again, somewhere where his life wouldn't be disrupted too much, the social worker would try to find him a home in his city, somewhere he'd be able to stay at the same school etc.

How old is your friend, Bella? The reason I ask is because if he's a certain age, he could try petitioning for emancipation [I'm not too sure about emancipation laws in your country but I could look into them if you'd like] or move out and get his own place. There are definitely ways he can get out of his home...try talking with him about finding another family member he can move in with, or finding a friend he could stay with for a little while until things are under control.



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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My friend being abused ? - May 4th 2009, 07:15 PM

my best friend is 16 and will be 17 this year.
he says he still has to live 1 and a half year with his parents and when he's 18 he can move out. but i think it's too long.
but the problem is.. he is afraid to live in a children's house or something like that. he really doesnt want to. :/



And the worst part is
before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff.
And in the free fall
I will realise I'm better off
when I hit the bottom.


this is how we dance when they try to take us down.


I am not a robot!



Keep On Moving. Keep The Faith.
Live.
Laugh.
Love. <3
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My friend being abused ? - May 5th 2009, 02:18 AM

just be there for him, and tell him that if he ever wants someone to talk to or just listen you are there.
   
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