Triggering (Abuse): ive been molested - it still hurts :c

[milo_o]

i don't want to go into every single detail here but i guess i just want to vent a bit and tell someone about what happened to me bc ppl can be rly cruel and i don't rly talk about it much so maybe this might help :c

TW:// I'm going to describe what happened to me

to put a long story short i've been sexually assaulted and molested a few times, one being an estranged family member who decided to put his hand into my undies and caress my genitals, and another time with a boy at school that's older than me and pulled my clothes off was physically hitting me and forced me to let him suck my dick and finger my butt without lubricant and it hurt a lot. both times were extremely horrible experiences and i rly hate how gross and violated i felt especially because my wishes for it to stop were totally and directly ignored, and there are a few more smaller examples and one bigger example that I honestly will keep private bc I don't think I'm ready to talk about it. i guess i was just an easy target, it just sucks rly badly.

the estranged family member is in prison now for unrelated charges, and the older boy moved out of Germany to another country that i'm unaware of. i don't plan on going to the police since i just simply want to block it out of my mind and forget it happened, but i just can't. i honestly have issues being around men because i'm afraid of being molested again, and even if i know them well i still feel that twinge of my fight or flight response kicking in. i don't know what i did to deserve this, it's something i've talked about with a therapist before and obviously with my boyfriend, but it's rly hard to physically speak about it in person bc i can barely get through a sentence.

i just dont know why they did those things to me, and i want to heal from it too because my current boyfriend and i have safe consensual sexual interactions with each other and it's great but i'm also in fight or flight mode a lot of the time and it rly sucks, it feels like i shouldn't have to be that way subconciously especially with him since i know i can trust him to respect me and my body. im just kinda ruined and it took a lot of the enjoyment i would have from sex and exploring my sexual feelings both by myself and with my boyfriend otherwise. It not only affects my sexual well being but it also makes my self harm worse. Half the time I cut it's because of PTSD from those events. does anyone have any advise and can anyone else relate :c

[Em0bxy]

I have been in similar situations before, so I do have some advice. Talk about it. You may want to block it all out and never feel it again, but the flashbacks and anxiety is (unfortunately) part of the recovery. I am so proud of you for making this form. I get it, being SA'd hurts like a motherfucker, but the best thing we can do is share our stories, if not for us, for others like us, it can inspire them to share their stories or have somebody who hasn't told anybody yet, tell someone. Whether it's police, family, friends, a trusted adult. I know it's so hard to relive the same experiences in your head. Something I do when I'm have a PTSD episode is chew something extremely sour or cold. You should try that!

[milo_o]

Originally Posted by Em0bxy

I have been in similar situations before, so I do have some advice. Talk about it. You may want to block it all out and never feel it again, but the flashbacks and anxiety is (unfortunately) part of the recovery. I am so proud of you for making this form. I get it, being SA'd hurts like a motherfucker, but the best thing we can do is share our stories, if not for us, for others like us, it can inspire them to share their stories or have somebody who hasn't told anybody yet, tell someone. Whether it's police, family, friends, a trusted adult. I know it's so hard to relive the same experiences in your head. Something I do when I'm have a PTSD episode is chew something extremely sour or cold. You should try that!

Thank u for the kind words, there's still some other things that happened that I'll one day maybe feel okay enough to share publicly but for now what I've shared already is a good start. I've talked about it with my boyfriend already but talking about the time you were penetratively r**ed despite still being a kid is brutally hard.

I'll keep what you said in mind about the sour chew, my therapist taught me a few things as well to do when I have panic attacks. In my therapy sessions they're called Beruhigungstechniken and I forget the direct translation bc my English sucks, but it's basically techniques to help distract you and take your mind off what is causing you distress and forcing your brain to not be able to concentrate on it. Unfortunately I'm still bad at this so I tend to resort to self harm to calm down partially bc of my BPD but also because it is guaranteed to calm me down from my panic episodes when those techniques I learned in therapy aren't enough.

My therapist wants me to have a benzodiazepine prescription for my panic episodes to take as needed but I don't want to get addicted to them and I take enough meds for my disorders already so I declined getting them. I've taken some before and the euphoria it gave me felt like I was high and I don't want to risk getting hooked on that feeling. But yes sorry I'm kind of rambling, I'm glad you understand my pain, it feels good to have someone who I can talk to and can relate with, though I wish it wasn't trauma that we could bond over. It is very welcome regardless though, thx. c:

[Em0bxy]

I take a medication called klonopin(Clanazapam) which is also an addictive medication, I wouldn't worry too much because they can properly get you off the medication before it becomes an addiction, meds like that are very short term.

[milo_o]

Originally Posted by Em0bxy

I take a medication called klonopin(Clanazapam) which is also an addictive medication, I wouldn't worry too much because they can properly get you off the medication before it becomes an addiction, meds like that are very short term.

yea i might be forced into getting them bc i have very bad anxiety and sometimes have panic attacks in public. i might just need to have my mom carry the blister pack of pills on her and i just carry one or two on me at a time just in case i need it just so she can directly monitor my intake. i just know how my body responds to drugs that i've tried with friends like alprazolam and diazepam. i have a pretty addictive personality so i'm cautious with drugs and stuffs

[Em0bxy]

I also have an addictive personality, so I get that. It is definitely a risk but you know what, if it helps you at the time and the doctors can help you recover if you DO get the addiction, it's better for you to be safe and controlled, you know what I mean?

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

I'm sorry about this and hope that you will be okay soon.

[milo_o]

Originally Posted by Arabesque- golfing girl.

I'm sorry about this and hope that you will be okay soon.

i hope so too. it's something i know i'll never fully recover from and sex will never be the same for me and it's a shame that my first time having sex wasn't by choice. to be molested by my own family and being abused so severely by my peers have severely depleted whatever trust i had in human beings and it'll be a long time before i can get it back. i'm glad i have a good support network and counseling, bc i'm going to likely need it for the rest of my life along with numerous medications just so i can somewhat function normally.

[morgsloves]

I'm sorry Milo that you had to go through that. I hope your getting support especially as you mentioned you self harm.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hope you are doing okay.

[milo_o]

Originally Posted by Arabesque- golfing girl.

Hope you are doing okay.

Sorry for being so inactive, I'm doing relatively okay. I was just at the doctor's and getting blood tests and other stuff done. Ended up being diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis like I feared, but I'm really hoping that there's something my doctor's can do or find that will help me live longer than the other members of my family that have had it too.

But in regards to the sexual assault stuff I'm getting through it the best I can. It's hard, very hard, and I have PTSD from it too this day that will be with me probably forever, but I can't do anything but move forward from it. It's not fair what happened to me, i'm just a boy and even i can say with certainty that my innocence was robbed from me and my pride was destroyed. I just can try to live a good life in spite of it and try to make sex have a positive association with my partner going forward and reclaim my dignity that those people had no right taking from me.

[milo_o]

Originally Posted by morgsloves

I'm sorry Milo that you had to go through that. I hope your getting support especially as you mentioned you self harm.

I am. It's still a problem for me, but I am in fact getting help therapy wise and medication wise. It's a constant battle and sex is a very sore topic for me especially since I struggle with hypersexuality now which is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world given what I went through. I'll make it through tho one day at a time.