Non-PG13 (Strong Language): are my parents immature or is it just me?

[embarr]

im so confused.

to preface, im sitting here feeling like im victimizing myself. i feel as though im being irrational.

i am 19 years old and i am my parents first and only daughter if it matters to any of you.

i feel as though ive been burdened w/ taking care of my mother's emotional needs instead of the other way around. she's thrown massive tantrums and i end up being the one apologizing for upsetting her. one time i had an anxiety attack and needed to be left alone and in response my mom sat on my bed crying and hollering shit like "GOD TAKE AWAY THESE DEMONS THAT INSTILL FEAR IN MY DAUGHTER". more recently, she screamed and cried and insulted me bc i didnt want to go to the store w/ her first thing in the morning. it was like 7 am and i had barely just woken up when she started. i have to be the one to tell her that the way my dad behaves isnt reasonable. she was never there for me when my dad would say awful things to me. if i ever talked back to him bc he was being ridiculous, she'd side w/ him.

now for my dad. he'll throw a temper tantrum over anything. he lost his belt? temper tantrum. i happen to already be in the bathroom when he needs to use it? temper tantrum. i asked him to turn the record player down at 9 o'clock at night bc i was trying to sleep? temper tantrum. i confront him for picking me up from school 30 minutes late every fucking day even though he damn well knows when i get out? temper tantrum. and any time that i ever express any emotion he gets mad. he'd yell at me when i'd cry, especially when i was a kid. i hardly have to say or do anything before he goes off the rails. he says the worst things to me if he so much as senses that i have an attitude. he's been a little bit more tame recently but that's only bc i ODed on my anxiety meds and spent a week in a mental institution abt a year and a half ago. yeah, that's what it took for him to learn some empathy.

i feel like i never got to be a kid because i was tiptoeing around these two emotionally unstable adults my whole life. ive never been a trouble maker. ive never instigated something w/ my parents bc i hate getting yelled at. naturally, as i entered my teen years, i became more defiant, but it only seemed to make things worse. they didn't like being called-out. and it took me a really fucking long time to realize that maybe the way they behave isn't normal, especially my dad.

i was always met w/ "you're just feeling sorry for yourself" "we've never done you wrong" "i've never done anything to hurt you" and still, for the most part, am whenever i try to express my concerns to them. they like to point out how they've provided me w/ food and shelter and how i'm not entitled to anything beyond that.

my mom calls me selfish and inconsiderate but it really feels like im just looking out for myself bc no one else has or will.

im so fucking confused. am i just a bad kid? did i make them this way? is this my fault? did i do something to deserve this? and now here i am a year after graduating high school still living w/ this mess bc i needed a break from school. they remind me almost everyday that i should be out of this house by now. not to mention that ever since elementary school they've drilled it into my head that they're passing the responsibility of paying for college unto me and that i'll need to get a scholarship to go anywhere.

am i just ungrateful? i don't know. i don't know, man. i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like im not allowed to feel sorry for myself. can anyone help me?

Hey there,

No, you did not make your parents this way. The truth is that sometimes parents can be emotionally unstable and it impacts the way they parent. Some of the things you describe seem like emotional abuse and gaslighting. It seems as if your parents are trying to place all the blame on you instead of taking responsibility for their actions. You aren't responsible for their behavior. I don't think it's true that kids leave home at 18 or 19 either. There are a lot of kids your age and older who stay with their parents. Some stay because it's cheaper and others stay because they weren't emotionally ready to leave. I am still living with my dad (hoping to leave soon) and I am in my 20's.

Do you think there's any way you can get out of the house? When you feel emotionally ready maybe you can look into options for getting to college and leaving your parents.

I know things are tough right now but please know they can improve.

[Celyn]

Hey there,

You aren't being irrational or victimizing yourself either. It can be very difficult when we naturally expect our parents as 'grown ups' to act emotionally mature only to find out they can be the complete opposite of this, and worse, feel like we are expected to take care of their emotional needs instead.

It sounds like it must be really difficult for you, especially when you are dealing with anxiety, to feel like you have to deal with your parents emotional immaturity (and in some ways abuse and gaslighting- yelling at you when you get upset for reasons that they caused and they don't take responsibility). Do you have people in your life that you can talk to about this? Even though it doesn't solve the problem, being able to vent about what you are going through, to someone that you trust and someone that is understanding can help a bit and make you feel less alone.

Unfortunately, sometimes parents either aren't aware of how their behaviour affects their children, or are aware, but don't want to change. Some parents may believe that raising a child means providing all the physical things such as food, clothes, suitable accommodation etc., and seem not to realise that there is a lot more to it than that, especially regarding the emotional and wellbeing side of things. This can then cause conflict in parents who see no harm in what they are doing and instead of reflecting and talking about what can be done, parents may react, as yours have done, by saying that you are selfish. As much as this hurts, please remember that it's not true! Your emotional needs deserve to be met as much as theirs!

You aren't bad and you didn't make your parents this way. We all expect and deserve to have good enough parents, but unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. Sometimes parents may have unresolved issues of their own, perhaps from their own upbringing or even untreated emotional and mental health issues themselves, which prevent them from being the parents you need them to be. It's not your fault and you definitely don't deserve it. It's ultimately down to your parents whether to listen to your concerns, reflect on how they have treated you and what they could improve on and take action. You can't force that to happen and as you've seen, being defiant, may only make things worse.

Have you got any plans on what you'd like to do having left high school? Not only can putting your time and energy into things that you enjoy/find interesting and can take control of help with how you are coping with your parents, but it can also help to remind you that you won't have to live with your parents forever.

Hope this helps a bit