Everyone thinks I am autistic- how do I mask it?

[Proud90sKid]

Literally everyone I known for longer than a couple months has thought I am on the autism spectrum. From people I have worked with to people at bars that I hang out at. I played a dice game with someone today for like an hour and when last call came around and we were kicked out, I asked her why a particular server at another bar does not like me. She told me that everyone thinks I am a "bit different" but that she can tell that I am "on the spectrum" and that may be why. She offered to talk to this bartender about this for me (in her words: that she would buy me some drinks and that would establish to this bartender who is only there once a week that I am liked), which I refused as I don't want someone to go out of their way for me. I have watched TV shows like "love on the spectrum" and immediately feel that I must be misdiagnosed as I am not as severe as people on those shows. However, people in real life tell me that I am for sure on the spectrum. They don't say this in a mean way. Usually they are very endearing about it. However, I don't want this to be obvious to other people. It seems that everyone I am around somehow knows even though I don't disclose my diagnosis. How can I improve my ability to mask? To me, I convince myself that my diagnosis was incorrect, but then I hear things like this that establish that I may actually have this issue. I have even had a couple psychologists say I am not on the spectrum but also I have seen those who say I am without any room for doubt. Those who say I am not do not seem to have the same knowledge of autism as those who say that I am. Two of those who said that I am actually specialize in autism.

I have heard that some people are so good at masking that they cannot get diagnosed. What is the secret? It would greatly help my employment prospects if I were able to do this.Honestly, I have difficulty empathizing with "hyper-maskers" who are able to come across as neurotypical but don't show any social impairment. I would go as far to say that I think they are merely sub-clinical and not really "masking it".

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, when others are talking about this or being rude, try to just walk away from them and not think about what is happening. I hope everything will be okay soon.

[WhisperingSilence]

Hi. I have autism . It’s a very wide spectrum and affects people differently . There are different levels of autism. Varying between high and low functioning . Under the disability discrimination laws an employer is not allowed to refuse you a job because you have autism or any other disability . Under the law the employer has to make what are called reasonable adjustments this could be something like allowing an employee extra breaks, to providing a wheelchair ramp if the building or place of employment has steps to the door etc .

[Mindfulness.]

Hello there,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment.

Have you spoken to your GP about what you have been thinking? They may be able to help you get a diagnose if that is what you are after.

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]So I think pretty much everyone, whether autistic or not, 'masks' in some way. For example, we treat our boss differently to our friends, and our friends differently to our grandparents. We try to emphasise, or even exaggerate our positives in interviews, or find ways to make sure we get what we want out of a situation. All of these things are examples of times when we may alter our behaviour, tone of voice, mannerisms, and conversations with others. We aren't always like this, and yet each 'version' of us is still us in some way.

But as you've realised, there is a difference between someone who is autistic and someone who isn't, and how someone who is autistic might feel the need to mask just to fit in. And as you've also realised and as others have mentioned, autism is a spectrum. There will be autistic people who may appear to have less support needs than you, just as there will be autistic people who appear to have more support needs than you.

It's understandable that you feel self-conscious about others seemingly able to pick up that you are autistic, without you even mentioning your diagnosis, and so it's also natural that you'd want to mask to avoid this. Masking is a big topic and is being researched more over the last few years. Autistic masking can range from things like forcing yourself to make eye contact with others (or appearing to make eye contact e.g. looking at a point just above someone's eyes), trying not to react to sensory stimulus or overwhelm (trying to cope with loud noises, touches, certain smells), hiding any visible stimming behaviours, learning to make small talk, all the way through to planning and rehearsing for social occasions (and making sure you don't end up in either extreme of talking too much or not talking at all), going along with things that you aren't interested in or wouldn't usually do (e.g. if you are introverted and don't like noise, you might force yourself to go on a night on with friends, even though you don't really want to and wouldn't normally), and trying to dress and act like others and be interested in the same things as others (e.g. following sports even though you don't care but understand that sports is a big thing for others).

That said, I think I read somewhere that even when autistic people do mask, it doesn't always mean that they mask very well to the point of always 'passing as neurotypical'. There will still be things that even those who appear to mask very well may still struggle with such as slow processing, dealing with unexpected things, understanding the subtle cues of others (e.g. others hinting about what they want you to do) etc. There is also a risk of burnout/depression if you spend a lot of time masking and realising that it's not sustainable or just overall feeling fed up about pretending to be someone you aren't.

Your last sentence is a very good point. If someone is very good at masking, then it may be that they are 'sub-clinical'. If someone can't get an autism diagnosis, it may be that they are sub clinical, that the diagnostic tools or criteria don't fit the person, that the professional doesn't specialise in autism (and so doesn't 'see' autism), or that they aren't autistic (I could be wrong, but I don't think masking alone would necessarily stop someone getting an autism diagnosis as clinicians often need evidence from childhood or even toddler years of autism e.g. whether a toddler is meeting developmental milestones on time or late, or whether someone was showing signs of autism as a child).

As for employment prospects, again, there are different factors, from having a good cv, applying to jobs that you want or are suited for (you may have more luck applying for jobs where you can show how you meet the criteria and play to your strengths or opt for jobs with less social interaction/scripted interaction/remote type jobs), interviewing well and then once you have a job, balancing the social side and paying attention to 'social rules'.

Masking may help you to get a job and 'fit in' and I definitely think it's good for people in general (regardless of neurotype) to learn how to communicate and get along with others (especially those that are different from us in some way e.g. age, disability, culture). So you could ask your friends for tips on how to fit in better, or talk to those that diagnosed you to see if there is any support, especially with regards to how to increase your employment prospects. But I would also say that it's worth finding people and places where you don't have to mask so much- this can act as a refuge for the times and places where you feel you do have to mask.[/size]