Question

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Our father used to be big into drugs and it was so hard for me and my sister and our mother. We would be always get kicked out of places we were living, one time we couldn't even pay to have the heat on and our landlord found out and paid to have it turned it on for us. Our father was taken away to jail and I would lie to all of my friends saying he has this amazing job, he goes to state to state helping get business started because I couldn't tell the truth. The problem that I'm having now is, my sister is dating a guy who is big into drugs, my mother and I keep asking her why is she doing this and our father has messed up our lives big time and she says she can date anyone. How do we get her to stop dating this guy?[/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

I’m sorry you went through that growing up. It’s scary to see it being repeated with your sister.
I don’t think there’s any way to force your sister to stop dating this guy. She has to come to the decision herself. It might take something happening for her to realize that this isn’t a healthy relationship that she wants out of.
You and your family can have a family meeting with her to talk to her about how you are feeling and why you are concerned. Let her know you’re worried about her health and safety because you’ve seen this before with your father. Tell her you care about her a lot, love her, and just want the best for her. But also let her know that you’re safe to come to if she is ever having a hard time and needs to talk to anyone.
Don’t yell at her. If it turns into an argument it’s better to walk away instead of allowing things to escalate. You can continue the conversation when things are calm.

I hope all goes well!

[Dawn.]

Hi there,
I'm so sorry to hear what you and your family went through.
I agree with Ennui, in regards to speaking to your sister about how you feel. It's important to communicate with her with how the situation is making you feel but at the end, it is your sisters decision on whether she continues dating this guy.
I hope this helps.

[Ambedo.]

Hey there,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through as a child and what you're going through now. I can only imagine how difficult it is to watch your sister choose to date someone who exhibits patterns similar to your father.

When people go through traumatic things or experience the impact of harmful behaviors, especially as children, they tend to go in one of two directions. Some choose to stay as far away from anything related to the trauma or behavior as possible. It sounds like this is what you've done. Others may feel a sense of familiarity regarding those behaviors, especially when they were initially exhibited by an authority figure when they were growing up. This might have something to do with who your sister has chosen to date. Even though your father also caused her pain with his drug use, the behaviors of an addict are something that she understands and, to a degree, may be associated with love, especially if there were times when your father was also extremely loving.

Unfortunately, there's no surefire way to stop your sister from dating this person. At the end of the day, who she chooses to date is up to her. However, you and your mother can continue to have conversations with her about it. When discussing it with her, do your best not to come across as accusatory or judgmental, as this may cause her to become more defensive and more determined to make her relationship work. Instead, try approaching the conversation from a place of love, making it clear that you have her best interest at heart. Share your concerns with her calmly and listen to what she has to say with an open mind. If you've noticed anything especially concerning, such as drug-induced behaviors that are reminiscent of your father, you can try bringing those up to her as well.

If she doesn't seem likely to change your mind, you and your mother may want to consider setting boundaries with her. These could include not bringing her boyfriend to family functions, limited contact with her, or anything else that is beneficial to the two of you regarding your own healing and comfort levels with the situation. Regardless of her choice, make sure you're there to support her if things do start going badly or become dangerous, as she will need your love and support most in those times.

Please feel free to respond to this thread or shoot me a PM if you want to talk about this some more. It's definitely a tough spot to be in, but I know you and your family will get through this!

Take care,
Sam

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello and thank you for coming onto teenhelp and telling us about what you have been going through and I am so sorry that this happened to you. I hope you or your mother will be able to get through to your sister and she is able to see what kind of guy she's dating and finds a better one. If you ever wanted to join us, you are welcome to. I hope you will be okay soon.