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Ghoulish Offline
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How to convince my parents (mainly my controlling father) to let me go abroad? - May 29th 2017, 06:31 PM

Can someone please just give me some really good advice right now?

I'm 19 and I'm about to go to University in September. I was supposed to go last year but I realised how expensive it would be to travel to Uni then all the books I have to buy and just general things.
So I took the decision to take a gap year and just work in order to pay for my train tickets, books etc rather than borrowing money from my parents- i.e my mum who would be the only one to actually lend me money.

Throughout this gap year, I thought about what I wanted to do in the future. One thing I wanted to do was travel the world. But considering my background, it was pretty much impossible until I discovered there was a job out there that would allow me to do that- and what made it even more amazing was the fact the degree I'll be taking at Uni is directly linked to that job. And most people who do have that job don't have my degree which would make me a really good candidate for the job.

Anyway, I tried to bring it up to my parents. That I want to work abroad as soon as I finish Uni.

But they shut that conversation down several times before I even had a chance to properly explain myself. (One time I did explain it in more detail to my mum)

At first I thought they were worried I wouldn't be able to handle it. That I wouldn't be able to pay for my rent, and possibly not have a roof over my head or Look after myself... honestly, I was really confused considering the fact I've been really responsible with looking after my younger siblings, cooking, cleaning during this entire year as well as working in order to pay for my own things- I showed them that I'm responsible enough to take care of myself. Even more so I explained to them that my job provides health insurance, it even pays for my part of my rent, and I would get a really good salary which would increase the longer I worked there. It's basically the perfect job for me!

But then I found out that they weren't really that worried about me- in fact they were more worried about themselves. My parents want me to stay in the country so that I could help them take care of my younger siblings who would be teens by the time I graduate Uni. They want me to stay to take care of them and be the perfect daughter.

They told me that the only time I would be allowed to do such a thing is if they gave me permission to do that and one of them were to come with me or if I get married- and even then I would have to ask permission from my husband.

CRAZY! I KNOW!

But sadly, It's not even that shocking to me. I'm 19 and my parents (mostly my father treats me like I'm 5. No. Actually it's not even that, my father is just downright controlling- and actually abusive but thats another story.)

What I mean by controlling:

-Expects me to be home by 5 if I ever go out.
- Asks me who I'm with when I do go out. Even though I told him before I left. He phones me and asks me anyway. When I explain that person is with me at the moment so I can't (i.e hinting that it would be embarrassing to talk about them, who they are, what their last name is, what ethnicity, where they live, what they're wearing etc No, Im not exaggerating)
-Takes my phone and goes through it whenever he likes.
-Turns off the wifi by 9pm. Sometimes takes the wifi router out and puts it in his car when he goes out.
-Tells me what to wear before I go out.
-Tells me to give him my manager's phone number so he could check up on me.
-Sometimes threatens to come to my workplace to see if I really am at work when I tell him I'm working overtime etc


So really, I think by now you can tell why I want to work abroad.

I really, really need my independence. I want to be able to wake up and make my own decisions without worrying about whether my parents won't like it or not. I want to wake up one morning and not have my father yell at my face telling me that he's the one that gets to make the decisions that affects my life not me.

So what I really need from you is advice on how to convince my parents to let me work abroad.

I've already tried the obvious things like being responsible. So like, doing things I would be doing if I lived alone- like good housekeeping, working in order to pay for my own things, taking care of children, cooking, I even paid for gas bills and electricity bills before.

So what more can I do?
   
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Re: How to convince my parents (mainly my controlling father) to let me go abroad? - May 31st 2017, 12:31 PM

This job seems like it would be perfect for you! You've been really responsible, like you've said and it is unfortunate that your parents don't want you go to school and work abroad. Maybe it would help to give your parents a little time before discussing this again; perhaps they need a little time to think things over.

It is nice that you have helped around the house and although your siblings are important it is certainly not your responsibility to care for them.

You explained it in more detail to your mom before; how did that go? It is possible that your mom may have said no to agree with your dad. She could feel some sort of obligation to agree with him on things. If your mom is easier to talk to, you could consider talking to her more often and in more detail to get her thoughts without your dad's input.

You know your parents more than anyone else here would - do you think you have to convince your parents to go? Is that a must? Or, could you go whether they like it or not? You're nineteen and you'll be older after you graduate, so even though they don't like the idea, they can't keep you home.

Hopefully someone else with more insight will come along and give you some advice. Best of luck convincing your parents to work abroad.


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Re: How to convince my parents (mainly my controlling father) to let me go abroad? - May 31st 2017, 02:53 PM

Thank you for posting.

I see you come from a very religious conservative Muslim family, and that seems to be the indicator of all the problems. Not the Muslim part, or the religious part, it's the conservative part, it's the insecure feeling your parents have, the downright fear they have, and the way they have adopted to deal with that fear, is to believe that there is One Right Way, and if they can just follow that One Right Way perfectly, then they will be OK.

This is also known as the Rigid Survival Pattern. I suggest a book
The Rigid Pattern: Part Five of The 5 Personality Patterns by Steven Kessler (or you can get the whole book: The 5 Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity by Steven Kessler. Personally I would title the book The 5 Survival Patterns, since that's what it really talks about.) Being "perfect" is what the author calls the "Rigid Survival Pattern". It basically is a way of dealing with a deep insecurity, and the survival strategy to deal with the deep insecurity is to be "perfect". Only it doesn't work. It's like a dog chasing his own tail. You can never achieve the goal.

Fortunately the book does give some advice on how to get out of this survival pattern.

First recognize when:

you're following the Rules of some outside authority, rather than referencing your own felt sense for guidance.

Solution:
You need to focus on your feelings and sensations as the source of your inner guidance.

(Note: Morality doesn't come from some external source. Morality is based in our emotions. We need to be in touch with our emotions in order to be moral individuals.)

People need to feel loved and cherished just for their beingness, without having to do anything.

To heal, they have to move toward feelings, rather than forms and rules. Their developmental tasks are to learn to feel and value their own feelings and needs, to trust their own feelings as their source of inner guidance, and to allow the full flow of their force energy to move through their body.

If your parents go to church every week, they probably go to a conservative church which reinforces their conservative views and instills that fear into them, and instills the solution to that fear is to obey, so it's both the problem and the solution to it's own problem.

The real solution is to go to a different church. One that is liberal, teaches God is love, God is not fear, God gave us the ability to have feelings, to determine right from wrong, and we should learn to develop those feelings, so we can be kind and caring and loving individuals and do good in the world. The Koran can be interpreted in both ways.

Another book explains the Organic vs. Volcanic view of human nature. I think I have a link to an excerpt, hold on... ok here's the link:
http://daviddeley.com/profdeley/humanbeing/index.htm
it's from the book Human Be-ing by William Pietsch which is an easy read I recommend. This may help to explain why your father has repressed issues on one side of the tree, leaving his tree unbalanced, with unmet sexual urges bursting out on the other side, and the only explanation he can give is it must be God's will, because in their worldview, everything is God's will, it better be, because they're not allowed to have wills of their own, because they live in constant fear, constant, endless, fear, of, life. And God made everything. God is scary! Life is scary! Living is frightening! The only way they can survive, is to constantly, endlessly, control everything, and control their children's everything, to make sure they follow the One Right Way, make sure their Children follow the One Right Way, because "One slip and down the hole we fall."

It's impossible to find God that way, by running away from him. It's impossible to have a loving relationship with God if you fear him, by trying to endlessly appease him.

The only suggestion I can give, is to get in touch with your own feelings, by starting a practice of daily meditation. Meditation, or a state of present moment awareness, is essential in Islamic spiritual practice, particularly in Islamic prayer (salah) and meditation (dhikr). The Prophet himself stated, "An hour of meditation is more valuable than seventy years of worship." If anything it will hopefully at least bring peace to your own mind. It'll probably take a couple months to really take hold. It actually changes your brain and you actually become more peaceful. 10 minutes a day is a good start. Even one minute a day is a good start. You need to strengthen your connection with your inner core, with your body, and with your awareness of the present moment. If you can achieve that inner peace, and it will be difficult with your parents being the way they are, but the hope is your inner peace may spill over to them, and they may begin to sense from you a sense of the true God of love that they have never felt, but which has always been there available to them.

The other two ideas I have come from the first of the 12 steps of Al-Anon. 1) You can't control your parents. You are powerless to "fix" them. 2) Came to believe that a higher power can restore you to sanity. 3) Became willing to turn your life over to that higher power.

Best wishes.

It's easier to melt ice than to chip away at it. Just warm it up and be patient.
   
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