Triggering: my grandmother and I

[Em0bxy]

So yesterday my grandmother wouldn't shut up after DCF got called on me and my family because of her so I threatened to hit her in the head if she didn't shut up. She's very manipulative and toxic and controlling. She makes me have no control in my life, which my guidance counselor didn't understand when I was trying to explain my situation, she just kept saying "she's getting older" like idgaf. anyway. I've learned not to trust anyone, no one, not even the closest people to you, because they'll do something to fuck you over, so I finally started to trust my therapist. She called Dcf bc of medical neglect and fighting(the supervisor thought it was stupid and was trying to prevent the case from being opened), and my grandmother was yapping, saying it was MY fault. Hence, I screamed at her "STFU OR I'LL HIT YOU IN THE FACE!" and she said "unlike your mother I will press charges" So I threw my pencil case at her(missed) and then after she was making comments to my mom so I took my hand and slapped her down straight in the head. I had to go outside and then my dad was screaming at me so I ran, I just ran, and then I collapsed into a bush, but I was fine. My mom threatened to call the cops and I started crying saying "I don't want to be arrested! She deserved to be hit!" so yeah..That was my Monday evening. I later apologized to her about the fight and hitting her, and I asked her if she was still pressing charges against me and she said "you know I can't do that to my grandkid" so yeah...I'm in the clear, for now. My grandfather thinks I should go to jail because I recently sprained my mothers wrist by smashing a thick ass stick against her arm. I don't think, I just do(part of my impulse control disorder unfortunately). I'm scared of myself...I hurt people...I promised younger me I'd never do that, I lied to him. Used to never think I'd do what I do now. I feel like shit. I hurt people. Physically and mentally. I'm turning on myself. I learned that self-defense was something I needed to learn, and trust was out of the game. I learned that if I couldn't defend myself something bad would happen again. So I learned how to put up a fight and not let it go. I learned how to hold a grudge and keep myself protected. I learned how to keep myself safe. Whether that means getting physical or not. If its against anything, I will find a way to protect myself, whether that's isolating, hitting, biting, screaming, using my words, if I can protect myself I will. And that's what nobody understands, I don't understand when to use what, so I lash out and seem idiotic when I use something when I shouldn't.