Living with your abuser

[TeenHelp]

Living with your abuser
By Cassie (cynefin)

Living with an abuser can be a very triggering and even dangerous time for survivors of the abuse. By living with the person who harmed you emotionally, physically, or sexually, you are being re-exposed to a possible major trigger. You are also likely to be in danger if your abuser is prone to harming you again. This article will discuss a few coping techniques to utilize if you are currently living with your abuser, among other things. These coping techniques can benefit people who are or are not currently being abused.

Something to consider
If you are regularly facing your abuser or if you are currently being abused it is important to know that you can only improve so much while around the person who harmed you. You can improve but you will be limited and may eventually reach a point where you cannot move any further. Don't let this stop you from helping yourself, though.

Why people live with their abuser
Many people don't understand why people don't leave their abuser. It is not as simple as just leaving or walking away from the person who has harmed you. Some people may be blackmailed into staying with their abuser while others such as children and some adults may be financially dependent on them. The possibilities are endless.

Symptoms survivors may experience
Survivors living with their abusers may experience an increase of symptoms. For instance, you may feel trapped and thus feel suicidal. Suicidal feelings may increase in intensity and suicide may feel like more of an option. You also might feel more likely to engage in self-injurious behaviors. The urges regarding these behaviors can manifest in a physical way, such as shaking until you self-harm.

You may feel increasingly numb, angry, or otherwise emotional in response to living with your abuser. Flashbacks, nightmares, depression, or any other negative symptom can increase in intensity, often to the point where it feels unbearable.

What can I do?
Though living with your abuser can be extremely difficult, there are things you can do to make the situation seem even a little more bearable.

• Find reasons to leave the house. Volunteer, go out with friends, work, or join school activities to get out of the house. Doing so will provide you with a nice change of scenery; it will give you a little freedom from the person who has harmed you.
• Spend time with positive influences. Spending time with positive people will give you a break from your abuser and it will remind you that not everyone in life is negative or harmful.
• Create a safe place. A safe place can be a physical or mental place that brings you some peace during difficult times. For a physical place, find an area that is safe to reflect and relax. For a mental safe place, imagine a place you'd like to go to and use your imagination to take yourself there.
• Play your abuser's game if it is safe. Playing your abuser's game can mean anything from reading their moods to telling them what they want to hear. Although this is not always desired, it is a method of survival when needed. Do not do this if it is not safe.
• Practice self-care. Living with a harmful person can make it difficult to want to practice self-care and self-soothing activities. However, setting goals to eat, shower, or use your coping skills are important to keep yourself going.
• Plan your future. Know that this situation will not last forever; you will eventually have a life outside of this. Sometimes it helps to plan your future. Where do you want to work? What do you want your home to look like?
• Have coping skills at the ready. Sometimes an abuser's mood can change like a flick of a light switch. This makes it important for you to have alternatives and other skills in place that you can use on short notice. Some alternatives could include taking a walk, listening to music, coloring, or calling a hotline.
• Express yourself. Being around a toxic person can cause you to experience a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Be sure to express yourself, whether that is through journaling, blogging, or talking to someone you trust.
• Seek professional help. Seeking professional help if possible can be very beneficial. It can give you a safe place to discuss and process things that you live with on a daily basis.