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LGBT, Sexuality and Gender Identity Whether you're LGBT, questioning, have gender identity issues, or have entirely unrelated feelings, this forum is here to help.

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ScarletSnow Offline
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My girlfriend is using a "cover"? - April 16th 2012, 02:14 AM

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. We have kept this hidden from school mates and family, save for a few close friends and my mother who found out on her own and is somewhat okay with it. Her parents are very religious and believe that homosexuality is a sin. My girlfriend's mother told her that she would throw her out of the house if she were a lesbian, and makes her daughter feel as though she would not be accepted.

My girlfriend decided she couldn't handle the lying anymore and felt she had to break up with me last month. She had started to like this boy a year younger than us. However, it only took a day for her to realize how stupid she was being and we got back together again secretly.

We are very much in love and have been for a long time. We have shared everything and are very intimate. The thing that is wrong is, she is dating this boy publicly so that others (her mother included) will think she is straight. This boy has no idea about our relationship. I see him everyday and feel a mix of wanting to hurt him for touching my girlfriend and feeling sorry for him because his "girlfriend" is cheating on him. It also hurts because everyone thinks she's dating him when really I am the one she loves. She refuses to break up with him or me. I have no idea what to do and I feel so lost. It makes me feel a lot of pain and I cannot focus on anything else but this situation, so much that I feel unhealthy.

I think discussing it might help me somehow... Please help.
   
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Re: My girlfriend is using a "cover"? - April 16th 2012, 02:29 AM

If you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in the relationship you are in, the you have to communicate with her. If she loves you as much as you say she does then she will break up with this guy.
It's not fair for you to be feeling as bad as you do. There are other ways she can "hide" her sexuality without cheating on both you and this boy.


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Re: My girlfriend is using a "cover"? - April 16th 2012, 01:38 PM

You really do have to communicate.

Although this may be the only way that she's happy with her situation at home and in public, it doesn't mean that you're happy. Yours is just as important as hers. Talk to her about it. If she says she won't break up with him, you have to be the one to set things straight. I understand that you love her and she's the one you really want to be with, but if she's putting you in a position that makes you feel this bad, you really have to do something.
Also, do you not get a bad feeling about the cheating? Personally, I could live with hiding a relationship, but I could never deal with the person I love being with someone else in public just to please her family and friends. I wouldn't be able to take that in an innocent way. It's cheating.


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Re: My girlfriend is using a "cover"? - April 16th 2012, 02:50 PM

Yeah I agree with the people who responded above me, there are other ways to hide the fact she's not straight than using a guy to do so. Simply not telling people about that part of her life for example and simply not having a public boy/girl-friend is a start.
It really isn't fair for you to have to be the one getting hurt and having that sort of stress caused to you just cause she wants a cover. She can SAY she likes boys, I know A LOT of straight girls even who are my age (university aged) and they've never had boyfriends and no one thinks anything of it, so it's really not necessary for her to take it that far. I know she might feel like she has to work harder since she has to hide it but she doesn't.
Think about the pressure she must be under though. Her mom is basically telling her that she doesn't love your girlfriend enough to accept her for who she is and that she WILL NOT let her be a part of her own mothers life if she comes out. Can you imagine how devastating that is for her? Sure, it's cause she thinks its a sin, but can you imagine if you thought some quote un quote "sin" was more far important than unconditionally loving your child? Cause I sure as hell can't. One of my friends was kicked out of HER house for choosing to live a different life than what her family did, and no it was nothing bad, her mom was just VERY religious, and they have a difference of opinion in how to live and she got kicked out for it. So I have seen what it can do to a girl being kicked out like that. I know that her and her mom are very close now that her mom is "over it" but it still doesn't change what she went through then. So I DO think that some understanding about how your friend must be feeling about her moms view there should be taken into consideration.
But that being said, I do think it is more important to talk to her about it, let her know that trying to hide the relationship is hard enough but now her having cover (and apparently actually kissing him and stuff by the sounds of it) is killing you. She needs to understand that it can't (and shouldn't have to be) like that just so her mom won't know. She could always just like "make up" a boy or talk about boys or SOMETHING and bide her time until she can actually come out to her mom when it WON'T get her kicked out. A lot of people are gay (lesbian bi etc) and only come out AFTER they leave home to spare themselves and their family all that drama of the dinner table fights (ok, it's not only at the dinner table but thats not my point). I know a lot of families accept it though. And maybe you guys can tell more people at school or something, make it a bit more easy. Unless of course, that might mean mommie hears. But she needs to know you love her (really care about her?) and that you will support her. And maybe you should talk to your mom about letting her stay there for a while should her mom find out, that way you can at least reassure her that like yeah you've got somewhere to go kinda thing IF worst comes to worst for her
   
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