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I'm Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

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Posted February 5th 2012 at 11:09 PM by BreakingBecci

I just woke up screaming. I was shaking and sweating and crying... I'd only been asleep for an hour. The shaking is making it hard to type, and everything's blurry because of the tears.

I feel so alone all the time. Four months ago I moved 163 miles away from home, with only a week to adjust to the idea. I don't know any one here. None of my 'friends' ever get in contact with me unless I message them first. When I visit home, everyone's too busy to meet up with me. Even my boyfriend doesn't talk to me anymore.

My emotions are out of control, so much that I missed a quarter of the last term at college and got a disciplinary. It was suggested to me by my tutor that I get counselling, but I just can't bring myself to do it. If someone diagnosed me with depression or something, it would just make everything so much more real, and I don't want to be depressed. I want to be happy.

I keep putting on this act. I'm really nice to people I don't like, or who aren't nice to me. I smile, and tell everyone I'm fine. I try to join in conversations when I can (though that doesn't happen very often, because I'm over-conscious of what I say). I'm the one everyone else goes to with their problems. I'm left to carry the weight of my issues, and everyone else's.

Sometimes, I plan how I'm going to kill myself. I like to tell myself that I'll never do it; that I could never leave my mother. It would kill her. I want her to be happy too... She's the only person who really cares about me. Only, I have alexithymia; I have difficulty expressing my feelings to other people. I'm unable to tell her how I feel. Even this blog entry doesn't do my emotions any justice.

I'm dying inside and I can't stop it. Every day gets worse. And whenever I start to feel like I could be happy again, I crash and that's when I start to consider suicide.

I can't concentrate. I'm finding keeping up in college and with assignments really difficult. I'm getting results that really aren't anywhere near as good as I used to get. It's not only my present that's being ruined, it's my future as well.

Now and then, I just need someone to sit and listen to me as I vent and rant. Someone who will listen silently, then just hug me and hold me close when I'm done. Someone who doesn't mind if I cry on them. Someone who cares.
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