My first blog entry (TRIGGERING)

I don't know how many people are going to actually read this shit, but oh well, posting it anyway. Good way to get out how I feel.

I went to my therapy intake on Wednesday. The lady that did my intake won't even be my actual therapist. She was okay enough, anyway, nice enough. Before we could even get in to see her, we had to do a shitload of paperwork. Actually, what I had to do wasn't that long, basically circle what applied to me and how long ago I felt that way (like in the past month, never, etc.) What was shitty was I couldn't even be honest on the stupid paperwork because I am unsure of what my therapist's confidentiality rules will be and I REALLY don't want to screw myself over. My mom's threatened to send me to a psychiatric hospital if I Self Harm again, and I know she's serious. I DON'T want that to happen. I have self harmed since she said that, but she doesn't know about it, and I want it to stay that way. =/
My mom's paperwork used the term "self-mutilation". Please tell me I'm not the only one who despises the use of the word "MUTILATION"? "Self-harm" or "Self-injury", sure, but mutilation just makes it seem like it's some horror movie.
Watching my mom check all of these strengths that apply to me, I wanted to scream. Half of them DON'T apply to me.

Good at art=LOL, what was she thinking? I draw blobs.
Attractive= I can come up with twenty different things wrong with me. I could lose weight but I'm too damn chicken to do anything about it My teeth. Eyebrows. Acne. I'm too short. My hands, feet, ears, fingers, are all too small. My nose is too big. =/

When we actually did talk to the therapist she was a pretty nice lady, but again, not knowing exactly what they would be confidential about, I couldn't even be completely honest with them. When they asked me how long ago I self harmed, I had to stick with two months because my mother was there. In reality, it was a week exactly. About the thoughts of suicide, I had to say that I last thought about it in October or November. Not true. It's just creeping closer.

I'm just screwing myself over on that front, aren't I? Knowing that my mother will find out if I talk about hurting myself makes me not want to be completely honest, and that is making me fucked. I'm not gonna make tremendous progress when I can't be completely open.

But, it wasn't that bad. When my mom left I pretty much told her I've been struggling with my sexuality. I think I know who I am, but I am not sure and never will be fucking sure and I've been thinking about it so much and I just don't know anymore. I'm not saying I need a label, I just want to know who I am. Right now, I'm leaning towards bisexual with a preference for females, but I don't know. =/ The lady said they can definitely help me out with that, anyway.

All in all, even though that made it seem like it was a shitty experience, it really wasn't. Not at all. I was so calm for some reason even after sharing all of that, and I think that I'll actually benefit from this, as long as my mom keeps me in therapy and doesn't pull me out after one cancelled appointment or just because she thinks nothing's wrong and I'm not thinking of butterflies and rainbows after one session. I just am scared, though, to tell my therapist the whole truth once I get her. I can't have her telling my mom any time I relapse with my SH because I don't want to be locked up. I'm not bad enough to warrant that, am I? I can't be, right? I don't want to be. Even though I am planning of suicide, I recognized what I might try to do and asked for the help to stop myself from doing so, even though my parents think it's exaggeration. And when I get happier, I won't have a need to SH. I'm doing the right thing, right?

Having a friend tell me that she knows what it is like to be alone and that I never talk to them anymore also kinda annoyed me. That was after I reported her abuse and how she scared me with her talk of suicide. That was after my friend and I talked to her for hours, she just won't listen. Now she's always grounded and I don't like texting people when I'm nervous they're grounded, I don't want to get them into trouble. She can text, call, email, Facebook message, etc me at ANY TIME. Are her friends not good enough for her? Am I not good enough? Am I that much of a shitty friend?

But yeah, it was a pretty good day. Went out to eat too. Overate. I think I started feeling down BECAUSE I overate. Shitty self-esteem, but whatever. I'm not even going to let it get me down.