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And so it begins. (Triggering in some spots)
Posted January 11th 2015 at 10:14 PM by Ennui.
The positivity that I had felt in my last blog has faded now.
I moved back into the dorms today and classes start tomorrow. On the way back to the dorms all I could think about was dragging something sharp over my skin and seeing myself bleed. I set things up with my dad, started putting things away. All I have left to do now is get out clothes for tomorrow and put on pajamas. Had a floor meeting. Felt like it went on forever. I felt antsy, wanted to leave.
I want to be alone but my roommate is actually here for a change. I want her to leave leave leave. I still want to cut and wish I was able to cut my arm, at least once, but my parents would see. Or my sister, or my brother in law. Someone would notice and get me in trouble. So I'll have to stick to my thighs and dread summer. I'll try to resist the urge. I'm tired. Maybe that'll help, if I get to a point of being too tired to bother.
Need to call my APRN tomorrow because I forgot when my appointment is. I think Tuesday sometime, but I'm not sure. I need to tell her what's going on but I don't like her.
Classes start tomorrow and I'm scared. I'm scared some of the early waking and having classes until late at night will take its toll. I'm scared that I'll do poorly in the classes. I'm scared I won't find most of my classes because they are in different buildings that I've not been in yet. I'm scared I won't be good enough.
Still questioning my gender identity and that is still not fun.
I need something to do.
I moved back into the dorms today and classes start tomorrow. On the way back to the dorms all I could think about was dragging something sharp over my skin and seeing myself bleed. I set things up with my dad, started putting things away. All I have left to do now is get out clothes for tomorrow and put on pajamas. Had a floor meeting. Felt like it went on forever. I felt antsy, wanted to leave.
I want to be alone but my roommate is actually here for a change. I want her to leave leave leave. I still want to cut and wish I was able to cut my arm, at least once, but my parents would see. Or my sister, or my brother in law. Someone would notice and get me in trouble. So I'll have to stick to my thighs and dread summer. I'll try to resist the urge. I'm tired. Maybe that'll help, if I get to a point of being too tired to bother.
Need to call my APRN tomorrow because I forgot when my appointment is. I think Tuesday sometime, but I'm not sure. I need to tell her what's going on but I don't like her.
Classes start tomorrow and I'm scared. I'm scared some of the early waking and having classes until late at night will take its toll. I'm scared that I'll do poorly in the classes. I'm scared I won't find most of my classes because they are in different buildings that I've not been in yet. I'm scared I won't be good enough.
Still questioning my gender identity and that is still not fun.
I need something to do.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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The positivity will return in time. Keep fighting those urges, you've got this! I'm sure you'll do fine in your classes this semester, so just relax and take things day by day. :) Also, take it slow with trying to figure out your gender identity, remember there's no need to rush into figuring it out. All in all things will work out just fine, you've got this! :hug:Posted January 11th 2015 at 10:21 PM by Thereishope
