Suicidal (Triggering: Suicide, self harm)

Never before have I scared a therapist so much that she doesn't want me to have access to my own medication. She wants me to get a safe and give my mom the key, but I am not going to do that. Never before have I ever had a therapist call me sounding panicked because with the email I sent she was worried and wanted to talk to me to make sure I didn't have any intent to harm myself. Never before have I needed daily check ins. I guess there's a fist time for everything.

I don't have the INTENT to kill myself but boy do I want to, and I guess I haven't been at this level of suicidal before and with my impulsivity she's worried. I have a feasible method too, which probably made her more concerned. I keep thinking about the method.

Never before have I been so suicidal that my therapist wants to have a second session this week. Tomorrow is going to be overwhelming between driving, working, having a second therapy session this week, and needing to clean my guinea pig cage.

I don't know why her calling me made it worse. I want to cut now. I did two days ago but it wasn't satisfying and I know today won't be either. I want to order more tools to do more damage.

They alll tell me the same thing. Think about your guinea pigs, allow yourself to have good things happen to you, think of those good things. I've heard it all before. Call 211, call the suicide hotline. Both are useless. I couldn't even get my mom's covid booster sheduled over 211 and that's who you're SUPPOSED to call.

I'm scared they're going to send me to the hospital. My therapist said she isn't going to call anyone yet. I talk to my med prescriber on Saturday and hopefully she doesn't call anyone eitjher. But my therapist didn't want to wait for me to talk to my med prescriber and go all weekend without knowing how I'm doing, I guess.

Any time someone talks to me about it it makes me worse and makes me want to cut or die more. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want anyone to know.

I'm feeling physiacl manifestations of anxiety as well. It's in my chest along with the sadness and I have to take Ativan to calm down and then it's hit or miss if it helps.

I'm so overwhelmed with work and trying to get my license and I think I'm going to fail that and just with life in general and I don't know why I'm so overwhelmed with life in general but I am. I just am. I guess it's just a bipolar thing.

I just wat to die lol.