Invalidated. TW: Suicide, self harm, some language

My prescriber says she doesn't think I'm suicidal but instead thinks that I "just want the shit to stop." That's even though I have a plan in my head, because I don't have intent. But some days I feel close to it again, because I really have that plan in my head and worry that I am going to use the things I did last time and try again. She also doesn't believe I'm suicidal because I pretty much got help right after the attempt last time, because I was like "oh crap." She thinks the attempt is more of my way of saying I need help without asking for it.

I don't know why but that felt invalidating to me. She also had a conversation with me about everything being my choice, which she isn't wrong about, but also started saying that if I don't do something about things, I don't have the right to complain about hem. She didn't say me personally, but I think that's what she was getting at. Which again, I guess, but it felt invalidating.

She keeps trying to get me to text the driving instructor and practice driving and schedule my drivers' test before my permit expires, and I keep saying I will but I just don't. Maybe I just don't want to, but then I don't have the right to complain about how limited my options are due to not being able to drive. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I told her I'd drive to the pharmacy today but didn't. I had to go to the bank first because of fraudulent charges on my account, so I could have done it then, but didn't.

I think I might self harm within the next few days. I found a tool I forgot I had, and it's tempting to use it. Just to say fuck it. We'll see where things take me.