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Suicidal (TW: Suicide, self harm, substances)

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Posted September 8th 2022 at 08:29 PM by Ennui.
Updated September 9th 2022 at 12:08 AM by Ennui.

I got my suicide method of choice back from my parents. I told them I was ready to have it back and took it back from them. I am hanging on by a thread but I am trying to hold out until at least the date I picked. My therapist and APRN told me to give the suicide method back to my parents but I'm unwilling to do that.

I almost got myself hospitalized by admitting to my APRN how suicidal I am. She said she thinks it would be reasonable for me to go to the hospital and I said I don't have time for that right now. I still have my job until mid-November and I should use that time to make money, not be stuck 10+ days in the hospital. I'm hoping I make it that long, at least.

I was so paranoid yesterday when she said I should go to the hospital, thinking that she was going to call emergency services on me. I finally had to get her reassurance that she wouldn't call emergency services on me unless she told me first.

She said she's considering getting me a visiting nurse so I can have my medications in a lockbox. I don't like that idea. My parents would find out for sure and that would be the end of the world for me because I don't want them to know how bad off I am.

I also self harmed yesterday for the first time in about 3 months. I want to do it again.

Been using the Ativan more lately, I won't have enough to last me a whole month at this rate and I know that she wouldn't prescribe me extra because of the risk of dependence. The dose I'm on hasn't helped me much either lately. I have medical marijuana I can use too but I probably shouldn't use that before work. I might start to use it before work though and see if it helps me. I won't tell anyone I'm doing that though or I could get into some serious trouble. Or, I can at least use it for the nighttime anxiety and save the Ativan for when I wake up in the morning.

My APRN wants to talk with my therapist, which is fair, but I really just want her to refill the Ativan.

Just not in a good space right now.
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  1. Old Comment
    Golfing girl's Avatar
    Hi Dez, I'm sorry you are feeling like this and going through all of this right now. I hope that you will be okay soon. Try writing down how you feel and everything that is going on in a journal and this can help to get how you are feeling out of you. to help.
    Posted September 9th 2022 at 09:37 AM by Golfing girl Golfing girl is offline
  2. Old Comment
    You've always been such a great friend and I know others would say the same.
    I'm sorry things seem so dark for you right now. <3
    Posted September 11th 2022 at 06:56 PM by Ethereal. Ethereal. is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Philomath's Avatar
    I'm here for you Dez. You can text me any time or message me on Discord. You got this. Take each day a minute or a second at a time. You can do this. Here for you.
    Posted September 16th 2022 at 07:07 PM by Philomath Philomath is offline
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