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I don't know how I am. (TW: Suicide)

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Posted March 18th 2023 at 03:49 AM by Ennui.

I don't know how I am doing right now. My therapist asked me if I needed to go to the hospital and I said no, but I don't know if I really should.

I'm still feeling suicidal and my brain kept on telling me to do it before Texas so I have an excuse not to go. I did get some good news surrounding Texas that made me want to go more. I think I might have fun if this one specific thing happens. I'm still not looking forward to the flight there ore back, but if the one thing I'm excited for happens in Texas, it will be worth it.

Except, even with that, my brain is still telling me to kill myself. I'll be fine until Texas at least, but what about after? What's going to happen then? Will I still be safe?

I'm trying to avoid the hospital but I have a feeling that I'm going to end up there anyway. Which, as much as part of me doesn't want to go to the hospital, another part of me really wants to. It's a break for a few days, somewhere safe where I don't have to think about my problems and someone else will take care of me. Sure there are a lot of downsides to being hospitalized, but the upsides are real too.

It's coming up on one year since my suicide attempt, so it almost seems fitting to attempt again soon.

I can't just keep going into the hospital every few months though because this job is ending and my next job won't be as understanding. I'll be fired. But if I'm dead I don't have to worry about it.

I don't know what my issue is.
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  1. Old Comment
    Arabesque- golfing girl.'s Avatar
    I'm sorry you are going through all of this Dez and I hope that you will be okay soon. I would miss you so much if you we're not around anymore. I would miss talking to you and about your little piggies and everything else that we talk about. Message me if you want to talk. Sending you lots of to help you to feel better.
    permalink
    Posted March 18th 2023 at 01:46 PM by Arabesque- golfing girl. Arabesque- golfing girl. is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Resilient's Avatar
    If you get hired for another job, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that gives the employer rights to terminate your job as long as you have a valid doctor’s excuse. There is also the option to set up FMLA later on in your job so in case your mental health declines and you need to be hospitalized they cannot fire you. I can talk to you more about this if you like, you know how to contact me
    permalink
    Posted April 3rd 2023 at 10:29 PM by Resilient Resilient is offline
 
 
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