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Hospitalization number three. (TW: Suicide, self harm)

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Posted April 12th 2023 at 08:27 PM by Ennui.
Updated May 17th 2023 at 03:12 AM by Ennui.


I attempted suicide again. I have no lasting damage from it and earned myself another hospital stay instead. I was in the regular ER at my local hospital for like 6-7 hours before going to the Acute Behavioral Unit. It's not designed like a psych hospital and is a holding place until you go home or get admitted somewhere else. I had mt own room which was nice but I wasn't allowed plastic utensils and was only allowed finger foods. The one time they did let me use a spoon, I had to contract for safety. I had no appetite so that was fine. The bathrooms also had no hand soap and no mirror so I couldn't comb my hair. It was pretty boring there. They let us play on their tablets all day but they died fast and you couldn't get on any good sites like TH, Discord, or even email. I played hours of solitaire.
Sometime after 8pm Monday night the ambulance came to take me to the regular psych hospital. I got lucky and was sent to the one I went to both other times. The nurse doing my intake was the one who did my intake last time and remembered some of the small details about me which made me shocked but it also made me feel cared about.
After the intake I showered and went to the common room. A girl I went to middle school with and a girl who was here with me my first time here were here., which was interesting.

It's weird how normal I feel right now, like it's just another day. I'm worried about how my boss at work will react, but besides that it feels like just another day. Maybe like a weekend where nothing is going on and I can relax. I don't regret what I did or the method I used, but I do feel guilty for how I went about it. I honestly don't know if I'd be safe to go home right now but I don't think that it's going to be a long stay. I still don't see things getting any better.
The doctor agrees that he doesn't think a medication change will work for this but I told him not to switch me to an SSRI anyway because they make me feel suicidal. The social worker also talked to me and she wants me to do some group counseling when I get out of here but I don't know if I will. It's all repetitive and the same anyway.
Some of the other staff remembered me too and I guess that's nice given the amount of patients they see.

I just feel tired and out of sorts. They keep asking me how my depression and anxiety are and I never know how to rank them because it's always there. I can't get a good read on my emotions lately.
In first group we did a Ted Talk I've seen three times now so I zoned out. After that the recovery support specialist asked if I was oaky and I said yes and went back to my room.
I found out I have a court date relating to suicide and I may still be in the hospital for the date so I have to ask the social worker to fax a letter saying I'm committed to the psych ward to the city and state clerks. The problem is I'm too scared to go to the social worker's office.

The social worker came to see me and he will fax the letter to the clerks f he needs to. I am worried that this court date will show up as a criminal offense and be on my record. I'd never get another job again if that happens. The social worker is going to have to look into that for me too.
My APRN wants me to have a visiting nurse come to my house to give me my meds every day and I am resistant to that idea. I wonder if there is a mail order pharmacy I can use instead and just get a week's worth of pills at one time. I'm heavily resistant to everything but my normal pharmacy doing my prescriptions.

Easter was pretty good.. I had fun with people on the unit. They gave us paper Easter baskets with candy and we played bingo for prizes. I even told my dad to visit in the afternoon. During the afternoon we had art group and we played Trouble before dinner. It was a calm day overall.

Nobody seems to know about a mail order pharmacy for me so I feel like I might be screwed into having a visiting nurse after all.
The doctor said I can be discharged tomorrow or Wednesday. I know I can't stay here forever but I'm scared to be discharged because it's safe here and I don't have any responsibilities. I just go to group, participate in activities, and socialize with other patients. I don't have to work or worry about the outside world.
Update: There is no mail order pharmacy that would do what I need.. Unless my APRN doesn't force me, I'm stuck with a visiting nurse when I get out. I hope she knows that when I lose Medicaid I'm not paying for that.

They're forcing the visiting nurse on me as a condition of discharge. I went off on the visiting nurse that called me and then my social worker. I don't want the visiting nurse at all unless my regular APRN forces it upon me in order to keep prescribing my meds I'll argue with her too. But of course she's not answering the social worker's calls. The doctor can only legally keep me in until the 17th and then would have to take me to court if he wants to keep me longer so if it comes down to it I'll see him in court. I'm feeling anxious and want to self harm. The Ativan didn't work.

I was discharged today and am scared to do it.
I got home to a welcome back letter saying my job ends May 26 instead of June 30 like originally anticipated. I started crying immediately and want to self harm. I might self harm tonight. I wish I tried harder to kill myself. I can't do this.
I agreed to the visiting nurse after all.
Update: The visiting nurse came and wow thanks I hate it. I hate that I relinquished control of my medications to her. I'm an adult and should be able to monitor my own meds. It isn't fair. I also don't know how I like the visiting nurse as a person. I just don't like her vibes, but now she'll be at my house every day at 11 am, so yay.
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  1. Old Comment
    Arabesque- golfing girl.'s Avatar
    I'm so sorry about all of this Dez and I hope that you will be okay soon. Sending you lots of to help you to feel better soon.
    Posted April 13th 2023 at 11:53 PM by Arabesque- golfing girl. Arabesque- golfing girl. is offline
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