Hospitalization number 4 (TW: Self harm, suicide)

5/30/23-5/31/23 - I got sent back to the hospital by my therapist because of an increase in depression and suicidal thoughts. She wasn't wrong to send me because I was spiraling towards another suicide attempt but I still fought it. She's also talking about sending me to residential treatment but I'll fight that.
The cop that met me at my house gave me a whole lecture on my bipolar and said how he has tons of experience with bipolar. He kept saying I need my meds adjusted even though I told him the doctor at my last hospitalization as well as my regular prescriber don't think adjusting y meds will help because it's situational. I wanted to ask the cop when he became a doctor.
I spent my day on the 30th in the psych section of the ER until they found a bed for me. Thankfully they found one in the hospital I'd been to three times before, so I felt safe. I got there in time to talk to E, the RSS. He gave me some good support, and then he ran a cornhole game. I won one.
I'm having a hard time eating. I used to stress eat but my body swung to not being able to eat. The reality that I am back in the hospital is hitting me and I don't know how to feel.

6/1/23 - I forgot it was Thursday and June today. I got the same doctor I had last time I was here and he and another doctor said I'm smart.
I submitted my application for food stamps but there is a work requirement so I don't know how that will go. My social worker said she's not sure if I'm eligible for residential treatment and I hope not. She wants me to start a different program but it's another group therapy thing and I'm resistant because it feels like a waste of time and when I get a new job I'll have to stop anyway.

6/2/23 - Everything feels like a waste. Nothing will change. I refuse to do another PHP/IOP when I get out of here. There aren't many other intensive programs out there that would allow me to work anyway. I'm not doing residential and leaving my Guinea pigs without a court order. I'm destined to be like this forever. I cried some. I don't feel okay. It'll be back to the same shit when I get out. Tomorrow is my birthday and I never thought I'd make it to 27. I didn't want to.

6/3/23 - Today is my birthday. It was very boring and uneventful. I did some coloring and that's it. I'm still thinking too much and feel like I'm just going to end up back in the hospital. Nothing is working and I want to die. I never thought I'd make it to 27 and don't want to be here.
The night nurse I had last night said she would get me a treat for my birthday. She was my nurse tonight and she bought me a cupcake. I ate half so hopefully they save the second half so I can have it tomorrow, but if not it's fine I'm very appreciative.

6/4/23 - I gave my "a positive attitude leads to positive outcomes" bracelet to someone because he asked and now I regret it. I'm kind of attached to my rubber bracelets.
I still can't eat and it's getting annoying. The techs are concerned but I physically can't. It's stress plus a side effect of having my gallbladder out.

6/5/23 - My social worker might email my therapist and try to get in touch with her that way since she couldn't over the phone. I hope they talk and find a brilliant solution since I'm out of ideas. She gave me a list of hobbies to try and nothing stood out. She also lent me a book to read but it looks boring and I don't know if I will be able to concentrate on it.
I'm still feeling very hopeless but at least I was able to eat my lunch today. I just don't know where to go from here.

6/6/23 - I have been self harming on the unit and nobody seems to care. I'm going to keep doing it because if they don't care, why should I? My doctor's brilliant suggestions were that my skin is precious and to walk or read.
He also gave me surprise bloodwork and they stuck me twice. The one in the hand hurt more but he got it done. All of it ended up normal.
I met a girl and gave her my number but I don't know if I want to talk to her outside of here.

6/7/23 - Today's rough. I woke up feeling low. Today's brilliant suggestion about the self harm is to take an Ativan.
The social worker said she talked to my therapist and my therapist won't see me unless I do a higher level of care along with it and I'd rather go without therapy at all. I told my therapist it's not worth it.

6/8/23 - I gave in and told my therapist I apparently have no choice in things. I guess that means I'll do another program but I don't know if I even want to se her anymore because she's taking away my control and control is a big thing for me. It's a self harm trigger so I've been doing it more. I've also been crying at the drop of a hat.
Apparently my dad called my social worker to ask how to support me. My parents were never supportive when I was a teenager so they shouldn't be trying so hard now. Even before I ended up in the hospital for the first time I tried telling my mom I was bipolar and she just said I'm being a hypochondriac. The social worker didn't give any patient specific information but told him how he could be supportive. I don't want them to be. I want them out of it but I dragged them in. The program they found is for young adults. I'm 27. I refuse to do that. Also the showers flooded and water seeped into my room.

6/9/23 - The doctor said I look brighter today. I still feel like shit but since I wasn't crying today when he saw me it's apparently such an improvement to him. In reality I'm super irritable and depressed. I didn't want to go to groups but I did anyway.
The case manager is going to look for more group options. The social worker was talking about getting a court order to keep me here longer after my involuntary commitment is up if I don't sign in voluntarily. I'm also considering applying for disability. The doctor discourages it because I'll get depressed doing nothing but he didn't consider volunteering. I forgot to ask the social worker and will have to wait until Monday.
A tech saw my self harm while taking vitals. She seemed supportive of me.

6/10/23-6/11/23 - 6/10 was uneventful. I stayed in bed all day. On 6/11 I stayed in bed most of the day. I told the doctor I don't feel stable yet when he asked when I want to go home. We also had a therapy dog, a golden retriever named Ryder, visit. He was the highlight of my day.

6/12/23 - I'm going to go back to a PHP program I've already been to twice when I get out of here. It's going to be a useless waste of time and I'll get nothing out of it. I hope my therapist is satisfied with that program and if not she can find one her own damn self. The only reason I'm doing this program is because I want to apply for disability and they have case managers that can help me I wonder when I'll get discharged.

6/13/23 - I asked my social worker to see if there was case management anywhere else so I don't have to go to the same program. It's unknown. I also switched rooms because my new roommate snored so loud I'd get anxiety so bad I'd cry and need anxiety medication. I don't know if this roommate will be any better and seems intimidating. The shower on this side of the hall is also less good.

6/14/23 - Today was the last day of my involuntary commitment but I signed myself in voluntarily so I have a few more days. I still don't have a program fully set up for after discharge and that makes me nervous. None of my options feel like they're going to work out at this point and I'm running out of time.

6/15/23 - My mood was okay in the early morning but lowered during group therapy because the social worker running it doesn't think I should apply for disability because my mind will go to waste. I bet the government will say the same and I'll never get approved.
Someone went into my room while I was in the shower and took all my toiletries and put random ones on my bed. They drank my orange juice and spilled some on my sheets. My roommate saw nothing because she was asleep. Unless she secretly did it. I feel uncomfortable and unsafe. My nurse will review the cameras.
I called the numbers the case manager gave me and one was out of service and one didn't know how to help me. The one I called two days ago never called back. I feel like I'm not going to have a plan on time for my discharge and I'll be stuck.

6/16/23 - It's the weekend. Well Friday, and none of the case management services have called back. I'm going to be stuck going to the program I want to do after this.

6/17/23 - I told the weekend doctor I'm ready to go home but I don't know if that's fully true. My mood has improved but I still fluctuate a lot and I'm overly sensitive. I'll deal with it at home I guess. Yesterday the recovery support specialist, S, and I made a discharge plan and a plan for my self harm but I'll probably give up immediately and not follow it.

6/18/23 - The day was uneventful with games and word searches but then my mood dipped after dinner where I feel hopeless again.

6/19/23 - Still feeling hopeless and helpless and I don't want to do the PHP program when I'm out of here. I'm still angry with my therapist and don't really want to see her. I spent a lot of the day crying and depressed.

6/20/23 - I feel depressed still and I'm crying at the drop of a hat. Nothing is ever going to change and the program won't help. Waste of time.
Group was also annoying today. The first group was something I've done twice before and in the second group one guy dominated and argued with everything the facilitator said.

6/21/23 - I asked to be discharged Friday. I'm feeling a little better today. The case manager will set up my program and get my visiting nurse back. Still not looking forward to either.
I just found out my niece from Florida is home, as in in my house, and I'm stuck here. I'm so upset I cried.

6/22/23 - I get released tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous because it's easy to fall back into old patterns and I probably will. One of the recovery support specialists wrote me an encouraging note and it made me cry. I'll miss her.

6/23/23 - I was discharged today. It still feels like nothing will actually change for me and I'm still hopeless, but at least I'm stable for now I guess.
I found out my sister and niece only visited because I was in the hospital and they thought I needed them, and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. I don't want their support either.
I'm terrified that I'm going to lose Medicaid if I don't work, and I'm terrified about working and wan to apply for disability so I can't work. Keeping Medicaid is more important though so if I have to I guess I'll get a very part time job and not go on disability. The system sucks so much.
Here's to new beginnings, I guess.