Ups and Downs (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Things have definitely been up and down for me since I got out of the hospital in June.

I finished PHP/IOP but I made it clear that I didn't want to be there. I only completed it because my therapist said she wouldn't take me back if I didn't.

For the first few weeks I was self harming several times a week and didn't even care. If there was even the slightest inconvenience I was self harming. That's improved some but I still do self harm. I don't know if I'm ready to stop doing it completely and I probably won't be for a while. I'll increase the amount of time I go between doing it sometimes but I always go back to it in the end.

After I finished IOP in August my therapist told me that she had no openings and "hopefully in September" and said she'd get back to me. The word "hopefully" didn't give me any confidence. It is now October and I still haven't heard from her. So I've been winging it without an individual therapist for this whole time.

I did start a once a week group therapy, but I don't really like it that much. The clinician is great but I don't really talk or participate because I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I don't have much on my end to bring up and don't really have feedback on other people's issues.

I did meet with the clinician individually and did talk to him more about what's going on in my life and my past. I told him a friend of mine thought I showed signs of autism. He said he could see that in me too and sent in a referral for a psych evaluation but it's been two weeks and the place never called me. Knowing my luck they don't take my insurance or have any openings either. I'm also afraid I'll get there and they'll tell me I'm faking my symptoms, or I won't actually have it and I'll feel embarrassed. I could get assessed for other psychological conditions too. I agree with my current bipolar II diagnosis and the generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis, but not the borderline personality disorder diagnosis. So it would be interesting to see what they say.

My suicidal thoughts are all over the place. There was one day around mid September where I had prepared myself all week to do it and I even said goodbye to my Guinea pigs that day. I have the method I would use to attempt suicide easily accessible so it wouldn't have been hard to do it. But something stopped me. I then said I'd do it in a few days but I didn't do it then either. Now I don't know if I want to do it or not but I wish I did it when I had the chance. I feel like I have no hope for a good, successful future where I am stable mentally, physically, financially, and independence-wise. It's better that I die now before things get even worse.

I often wonder what will happen when my parents get sick or die. They're already 71 and 73 and have chronic health issues so who knows how much time they have? I rely on them for buying food and cooking it,, driving me places, and cheap rent and utilities. When I lose that, I'm going to be homeless. So it's better I kill myself before that happens.

I did start a new antidepressant which does seem to be helping, but the suicidal thoughts will always be there.

I got approved for disability benefits, but they're not permanent and will be reviewed so there's the chance of me losing them. At least I have an income for now but it could leave me scrambling again in the future. I know working is not good for me mentally, but I also feel bad about the fact I can't work right now. I feel like I'm useless and wasting my life. What am I good for if I'm not working, and especially if I'm not doing what I went for school for? It's not a life worth living.

I dunno where I stand right now.