Not doing great. (TW: Suicide, self harm)

I'm feeling low again. The medication I was put on a few months back worked for maybe 2-3 months and then I felt low again. I was going to kill myself after I finished the partial hospitalization program/intensive outpatient program but the medication was doing its job and I had hope that maybe things would be all right. So I didn't do it. But as usual it didn't last.

I don't get out much aside from the gym and group therapy. My therapist wants me to volunteer to get out of the house more but I am so resistant to the idea I haven't done it.

I've been going to group therapy once a week since maybe mid August. I like the clinician, he is nice and inclusive. He has called to check in on me before and seems to value my input. At first when I started going to the group I thought it was a waste of time, and maybe I'm not getting a ton of helpful coping skills out of it but maybe I do like being around the people in the group more than I anticipated. I'm going to miss them if I have to go back to a higher level of care again. I don't always talk about what is going on in my life though.

I also feel like an absolute failure. I am not working right now and am going to have an almost year-long gap on my resume, and then when I do go back to work it won't be in my field. I am panicking about going back to work and think I am going to fail at it anyway. I'm nowhere near where I should be in life at this age. I should be using my degree. I should have my driver's license. I should be able to cook for myself. I should be independent.

I've been self harming every so often. Not every day or every week, but it's been there. It is happening today. I also ordered new self harm tools and just have to wait for them to come in. I can't help but hope that they allow me to do worse than what I do now, but I have my doubts.

My new prescriber upped the medication that was working and so far that hasn't helped. She said to give it two more weeks and then she will put me on a new medication, Lithium, that has a lot of requirements for it. There are requirements for routine bloodwork, weekly in the beginning and then less often. There's the risk of toxicity. I can't use NSAIDs like ibuprofen, naproxen, and aspirin. I heard there are certain cold medications that I can't use, but the prescriber said I'd have to check with my pharmacist on that one. It seems like a lot of requirements but it's supposed to really help with suicidal thoughts, so I'll try it.

I had a suicide date set. I'm trying to push that back out further in case I do get put on Lithium. Maybe the Lithium will work and I won't need the suicide date anymore. But part of me doesn't want to wait that long and wants to just do it. If I end up in the hospital I can tell them what this prescriber was planned and maybe they can start me on the Lithium, or whoever I see as a prescriber when I get released from the hospital can start me on the Lithium.

Maybe I should attempt suicide now. The only things stopping me RIGHT NOW are the facts that I am supposed to be getting my hair cut and colored and I want to look nice, and the fact that my friend said she might have a surprise for me. She won't tell me what it is but said if she gets it she will come over with it on Saturday after she gets out of work. I can't die without knowing what the surprise is. I also can't die before I have my doctor's appointment because if I live, rescheduling that might get really annoying. But after that, I don't have anything holding me back except the hope that maybe the Lithium will work.

I don't know if life is worth living.