Hospitalization number 5 (TW: Suicide, self harm)

2/15/24 - Today I attempted suicide. I wanted the anxiety that had been getting progressively worse throughout the month to stop. I had been making plans for a while but didn't have a specific date until I decided it would be today.
My friend found out and made me call 911. The fire department came first, then the ambulance and police. They questioned me and then I got in the ambulance where they took my vitals and have me fluids. We live close to the hospital so the ride only lasted like five minutes.
The hospital took all my stuff, hooked me up to monitors, and did another IV in the other arm and bloodwork. Then I was left with a babysitter all night. I couldn't leave the room to use the bathroom. I didn't sleep so it was a long night.

2/16/24 - I was medically cleared to go to the ABU, the psych part of the ER. I basically watched TV in my room all night. The nurses and techs were nice and made me toast or brought me sandwiches when I wouldn't eat the food.
I was supposed to be transferred to the psych ward today but by the time I got re-medically cleared it was too late and they couldn't so I stayed overnight in the ABU.

2/17/24 - I was brought to the hospital today. Most things haven't changed but I feel more out of my element with the people. It makes me anxious.

2/18/24 - The doctor took away meds including my sleeping pill and muscle relaxer because my last EKG was abnormal. Mt EKG has been abnormal for over a year. I couldn't sleep last night because of it. Then he ordered the same bloodwork I got no more than a month and a half ago. He's pissing me off and I don't want to associate with him.
EDIT: I argued with the doctor and got my meds back. Today so far I feel sad and tired. I also took anxiety meds earlier. I mask well, so everyone will think I'm fine and I don't want that. On the bright side today was pet therapy.
S, the recovery support specialist I knew, was here and it was nice seeing her.

2/19/24 - I was woken up at 4 or 5 by my roommate talking to herself. I know she can't help it but I'm tired and frustrated. Even though I'm tired I also feel wired and wonder if I'm becoming hypomanic. I'd welcome that.
My social worker doesn't seem like she knows how to help me and I don't know what to ask her for. This is going to be a painful admission.
My dad visited and started talking about how maybe I don't need all of my meds and am dependent, but maybe I can do okay without them. He pissed me off. Mental health is just as important as physical health is.

2/20/24 - The APRN who is doing my meds seems to think I'll be going home soon. I'm fine in the hospital but it's out there I'm worried about. The hospital is safe. Home is unsafe. I will at least self harm, if not attempt again.

2/21/24 - I read my patient notes from the ER and the doctor didn't even believe I had attempted suicide until the bloodwork came in. I feel angry and invalidated and like I should just do even more next time to make it real to them.

2/22/24 - I am still getting triggered and crying easily. I'm angry at the APRN. They won't even give me athlete's foot cream. Guess I'll spread it to everyone else. The APRN said if I don't like the care I'm receiving I can discharge at any time. The only poor care I'm getting is from her. Everyone else is fine.
I've decided the first thing I'm going to do when I get home is self harming. I'm angry and not coping well. I can't wait to do it.
I'm also kind of numb lately. I guess I welcome that.
I'm not looking forward to doing PHP again. I've done it a handful of times and it never sticks. I don't want to be there anymore. It's a waste of time.

2/23/24 - I told my APRN I was going to self harm when I get out of here and she didn't seem to care. My social worker cared more than she did. Discharge is looming.

2/24/24 - Today was uneventful. We did art. A tech saw my self harm but she didn't tell any nurse, which I appreciate.

2/25/24 - Today I did word searches and played bingo and won a lot of prizes. I still have anxiety. It will get worse once I'm discharged.

2/26/24 - I'm nervous about being discharged because I know the anxiety will just come back and I'll end up back here sooner or later. I don't want to go home.
EDIT: I was discharged. I plan on self harming later, maybe after I go to the gym. My visiting nurse came and she took my suicide method away from me so I am also planning on buying more of it.