I am feeling confident right now. I have had a LOT of depression lately so I don't know how long it will last. But hell. I am going to use this 5 AM confidence to make a blog of positive things and maybe I will look at this when I feel low as a reminder.

• I love my niece to death. She may be frustrating and tiring a lot of the time (terrible twos!) but I love her to death and she is honestly my world.
• I have friends who are very supportive. I have friends who are willing to take me to

...

I don't think I can feel like this for much longer.
But is there really anything wrong with me or is my mind just making things up?...

The last time I visited with my APRN was right before winter break began. She wanted to assess how I was doing because she recently upped my dose of Zoloft to what people normally are on when they start noticing improval. Except I was feeling like absolute shit due to PMS, being a bit ill, and my roommate keeping me up all night so she couldn't really accurately assess how I was doing. She did give me one of those sheets to fill out to ask how often I felt symptoms such as being worthless, or a...

Figured I'd give you some updates before I went to my club meeting.

My dose of Zoloft was recently upped. Now it's about where most people have it. We'll see if that helps.

The anxiety has mostly leveled out for now but I keep having a lot of episodes of depression that last for days at a time. Before I definitely would have episodes of depression, but normally not this many in a row. So I feel heavy and don't really have tons of motivation to do things anymore, but...

I'm still having a hard time with the meds and the depression. And my counsellor may be leaving next semester because she's a grad intern and she's graduating. Eep. I will talk to my APRN about the meds on December 2nd when my appointment is.

But besides that, I have good things!

I have been debating switching my major to Premed for a while and have made a decision. I am going to set up an appointment after Thanksgiving to go for Premed advising and then take classes...

I guess I have been on Zoloft for about three weeks now. It's been going pretty good I think. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am able to handle things and actually be happy about things and get excited about things without my brain holding me back.

These past two days have me nervous that I'll need my dose upped though. It won't be bad if I do, because most people do need a higher dose than me. My prescription was refilled for the same dose and I have to ask my friend...

It's been a roller coaster I guess.

I feel so unstable right now and I don't know why. I ended up feeling low at the thought of coming back to campus Sunday and cut.

I cut again yesterday. The lows and anxieties were just piling up again. I'd cut after counseling. I would have again late last night except my roommate was around and I didn't think I could escape safely with the tool and band aids.

I am going to counselling every other week now because...

So, time to carry on the saga of the fun and exciting things that happen in the life of Dez.

I saw the APRN yesterday and she prescribed me Zoloft. I really didn't like the APRN though. I found her really fucking weird to be honest. Her personality, just... idk. Something felt off to me. I didn't like her but I'll have to see her a few more times this month and then once a month. And I know it's just protocol probably, but I hate how I got asked if I was sexually abused ever. "Oh,...

Heyyyy lovelies.

I don't really know what I am saying necessarily here.

The past two weeks as a whole haven't been bad, but I'm starting to spiral again and it kind of sucks.

I was sick pretty much from Thursday up until yesterday, and it pretty much killed me this weekend, so I am SO far behind on things. Well, not really. But I feel that way. But since I was sick, I wasn't really able to do much in the way of work, either in school or on Staff. I wasn't...

I've already withdrawn from my statistics course. I hate myself for having to withdraw, but if I didn't I'd have failed, and that would be even worse. I'm disappointed in myself for having to withdraw though and feel like a failure already just from doing that.

I want to cry but there isn't really anywhere private enough in a dorm to do that. I want to cut and honestly the only reason I'm not taking a blade to my skin right now is that I don't want to get blood on one of my favorite...