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The good and the bad. (And mostly bad.) (Triggering?)
So, time to carry on the saga of the fun and exciting things that happen in the life of Dez.
I saw the APRN yesterday and she prescribed me Zoloft. I really didn't like the APRN though. I found her really fucking weird to be honest. Her personality, just... idk. Something felt off to me. I didn't like her but I'll have to see her a few more times this month and then once a month. And I know it's just protocol probably, but I hate how I got asked if I was sexually abused ever. "Oh, you have a two family house? Before your sister lived there, did you have any other tenants who weren't family?" When I said I did, she basically asked if any of them ever sexually abused me. No, no, no they didn't. NO I was not sexually abused. She isn't the first professional to ask me that and it feels really frustrating more than anything tbh. I don't know why.
Even regular counselling is kind of meh. I was assigned a grad student and even though she's nice, there are tons of awkward silences and even though I have things going on, I never know what to say and it feels unproductive. I miss my therapist from high school. She was the only one who understood me fully.
But on the topic of Zoloft. I'm really scared. I dunno, I thought that if I ever was diagnosed or got prescribed medication, there would be this sense of closure that yeah, something is really going on. Something's actually wrong here and it's not my mind playing tricks on me. But I'm still sitting here doubting that there is actually anything wrong with me. My mind's convincing me that this is all made up, even though it's illogical. I'm almost reluctant to take the meds now that I got this far and know logically, if I'm getting prescribed them, I probably need them.
My friend agreed to drive me to the pharmacy, too. At least this time. I didn't tell her I'll be on them regularly but I may bring it up and offer gas money if she keeps taking me to the pharmacy, as the round trip is about 6 miles. She's driven me places in the past and I always say I can give her money for it, but she says I don't have to. Every time I tell her I'll give her gas money and she insists I don't need to. But I'm always scared that if I don't at least offer, she'll think I'm using her. Is that weird?
There were two good things of yesterday, anyway. One was that my wellness midterm was graded and I got an A+ on it, so yay me. The other is we had our LGBT+ Prism meeting yesterday and after about 7 of us went out and ate at the student center. I finally feel as if I BELONG somewhere in this college and have people I can enjoy spending time with. I'm hoping going to dinner at the student center becomes a regular thing.
But, today started out sucky again.
I woke up at about 9 AM because I wanted to call the pharmacy to see if my prescription for Zoloft was filled, so I could have my friend take me to get it after her classes were done. They didn't even get the script. I called the other Stop & Shop pharmacy that was close by in case she sent it out to the wrong place, but nope, wasn't there either. So I went to call her but she was late getting to her office, so I got frustrated because I'm too tired for this shit and decided I would call her after class tomorrow and have my friend take me to get the meds Monday, and if they're not there Monday I'll be pissed.
Then I dropped my toothbrush on the gross bathroom floor and my hair is a wreck. And I ran out of eyeliner in the middle of using it. And I have my period. And I am so tired it feels like I haven't slept in years.
I'm already so discouraged and frustrated, I just want to cut and watch myself bleed and hide away for the rest of the week.
I saw the APRN yesterday and she prescribed me Zoloft. I really didn't like the APRN though. I found her really fucking weird to be honest. Her personality, just... idk. Something felt off to me. I didn't like her but I'll have to see her a few more times this month and then once a month. And I know it's just protocol probably, but I hate how I got asked if I was sexually abused ever. "Oh, you have a two family house? Before your sister lived there, did you have any other tenants who weren't family?" When I said I did, she basically asked if any of them ever sexually abused me. No, no, no they didn't. NO I was not sexually abused. She isn't the first professional to ask me that and it feels really frustrating more than anything tbh. I don't know why.
Even regular counselling is kind of meh. I was assigned a grad student and even though she's nice, there are tons of awkward silences and even though I have things going on, I never know what to say and it feels unproductive. I miss my therapist from high school. She was the only one who understood me fully.
But on the topic of Zoloft. I'm really scared. I dunno, I thought that if I ever was diagnosed or got prescribed medication, there would be this sense of closure that yeah, something is really going on. Something's actually wrong here and it's not my mind playing tricks on me. But I'm still sitting here doubting that there is actually anything wrong with me. My mind's convincing me that this is all made up, even though it's illogical. I'm almost reluctant to take the meds now that I got this far and know logically, if I'm getting prescribed them, I probably need them.
My friend agreed to drive me to the pharmacy, too. At least this time. I didn't tell her I'll be on them regularly but I may bring it up and offer gas money if she keeps taking me to the pharmacy, as the round trip is about 6 miles. She's driven me places in the past and I always say I can give her money for it, but she says I don't have to. Every time I tell her I'll give her gas money and she insists I don't need to. But I'm always scared that if I don't at least offer, she'll think I'm using her. Is that weird?
There were two good things of yesterday, anyway. One was that my wellness midterm was graded and I got an A+ on it, so yay me. The other is we had our LGBT+ Prism meeting yesterday and after about 7 of us went out and ate at the student center. I finally feel as if I BELONG somewhere in this college and have people I can enjoy spending time with. I'm hoping going to dinner at the student center becomes a regular thing.
But, today started out sucky again.
I woke up at about 9 AM because I wanted to call the pharmacy to see if my prescription for Zoloft was filled, so I could have my friend take me to get it after her classes were done. They didn't even get the script. I called the other Stop & Shop pharmacy that was close by in case she sent it out to the wrong place, but nope, wasn't there either. So I went to call her but she was late getting to her office, so I got frustrated because I'm too tired for this shit and decided I would call her after class tomorrow and have my friend take me to get the meds Monday, and if they're not there Monday I'll be pissed.
Then I dropped my toothbrush on the gross bathroom floor and my hair is a wreck. And I ran out of eyeliner in the middle of using it. And I have my period. And I am so tired it feels like I haven't slept in years.
I'm already so discouraged and frustrated, I just want to cut and watch myself bleed and hide away for the rest of the week.
Total Comments 5
Comments
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I'm sorry that things aren't going so well for you right now. I understand what you're saying about taking the Zoloft, I went through it too but I'm sure it'll help you and you will feel better once you're on it. If this doesn't work though don't give up, it'll get worked out and thins will get better. :) I hate how pharmacies are so slow in getting prescriptions 99% of the time but I guess there's not much you can do about it..hopefully they'll be in tomorrow. Just hang in there Dezi and remember to keep your head up high! You got dis! :)Posted October 22nd 2014 at 07:39 PM by Thereishope
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I've seen a lot of professionals and every single one of them has asked me that question, too. I think it's because about 80% of people who self-harm have been abused in the past. I can totally understand why that frustrated you, though! Hopefully she won't press you further on the matter.
I was on Zoloft before when I tried using medication. I know that different medications work for different people, but out of all of them that I tried, Zoloft was the most helpful. I think it's common for your mind to try to convince you that this is all made up even though it isn't.
Sounds like you've had a rocky start to your day. I hope you feel better soon! I know you can do this and I'm here if you need anything.
Posted October 22nd 2014 at 08:14 PM by hocus pocus
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Dezie :hug:
I won't get geeky and spew statistics. But there are a good percentage of young girls and boys who have suffered abuse from house guests. They're just looking out for you, those questions are not meant to make you pissed off or upset. I understand why it would, those house guests were probably like family to you and there's no way they'd ever touch you inappropriately.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time now. You should definitely try this new medication out. A lot of people hate getting on new meds, I hated when I started fluoxetine (prozac) because I've heard things about prozac. But then it's like... Fuck them, those people themselves were probably high on prozac. Plus, it turned out it helped for depression. :) Maybe the med may not serve its original purpose, but it will help with a separate part of brain/body function.
I hate getting new therapists too! I had the same one from the time I was 8 thru 21 (school years) and then I had to leave her when I graduated. I was so sad. :'( Then I spend another four years trying to find the right therapist and it sucked. Then I moved to a different town, and found one that took my insurance. I [I]loved[/I] her! I hated her at first, but she was just so compassionate and understanding. But she left last winter, and I've had this new counselor and she sucks!
Maybe you can get another person to work with you instead of the one you currently have? I know nobody can ever replace that one person who you really admired and who totally got you. :hug:
BTW I had a lot more smilies but it wouldn't let me have more than eight. :rolleyes:Posted October 22nd 2014 at 10:41 PM by -
Hey Dez,
I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. I just started taking Lexapro and I thought it would bring me some closure as well to get medication but I think I feel like I am in the same place you are about taking medication. It will take a while for me to know fully if the medication will work however I am hoping it does. I wish I could be more help in that area however I have been on my medication only about two weeks and I experienced some intense side-effects the first week and I have not noticed any improvement/benefit other than the fact I'm sleeping better at night. I'm still sleeping a ton during the day and exhausted a lot but I meet with the doctor Wednesday next week so hopefully things can be sorted out then.
I hope the rest of your day went better than how your day started out.
Again, I am sorry I could not be more help but if you would like someone to talk to, I am here and I would not mind receiving a PM or VM.
Posted October 23rd 2014 at 05:06 AM by Philomath
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I don't know why I read this when, y'know, I've already read it. But just reiterating what I said and reminding you that I'm here for you. Love you, Littlemaid. <3Posted October 23rd 2014 at 10:32 AM by Storyteller.
