Log in (
...
Instability. (Trig)
Posted October 28th 2014 at 09:42 PM by Face Up.
It's been a roller coaster I guess.
I feel so unstable right now and I don't know why. I ended up feeling low at the thought of coming back to campus Sunday and cut.
I cut again yesterday. The lows and anxieties were just piling up again. I'd cut after counseling. I would have again late last night except my roommate was around and I didn't think I could escape safely with the tool and band aids.
I am going to counselling every other week now because I never know what to say and there are so many awkward silences. But I have a hard time explaining my anxiety because I don't necessarily always know why I am anxious or just can't get it out right.
My friend then took me to the pharmacy for some Zoloft. She also said she'd be willing to do refills. I don't know what I'd do without her. For Christmas I'm going to bake her some gluten free brownies, and maybe I will buy her a pack of gum if I have money left over. I really hope she knows how much I appreciate her.
The instructions said to take it in the morning, though, so I had to start today because it was already noon by the time I got them yesterday. Right now I am on a ineffective dose because she wants to make sure it won't kill my digestive system. Then I'm going up to a higher dose to make sure I don't get any suicidal thoughts or symptoms that would suggest I have bipolar and not anxiety and mild depression. Then I will go to my full dose.
To take the dose I have now, I have to cut the pills in half though and it's annoying because they're so teensy, I know I'm not getting anywhere near to half a dose in me. I don't think it'll hurt anything though.
I have to talk to her now though because unless she gives me a prescription that lasts 60 days instead of 30 (I think that's what I'd need?) I won't be able to get my pills over Christmas... I didn't think of that.
I'm meeting with her tomorrow because she wants to check in on me, so I'll bring it up.
I've been feeling unstable again today though. My anxiety has been spiking randomly and it takes so long for it to come down. I sat through English class so antsy and fidgety it was horrible. I wanted to mention a book I connected the assignment to and it felt like I was choking on my words and couldn't breathe. I wasn't necessarily anxious about asking her if my book could connect, I was just anxious in general.
Shower made me feel better for a short time but now I'm antsy and anxious again. I feel so unstable right now and I know it's not the meds doing it because I only have a tiny amount in me. Make it stop.
I feel so unstable right now and I don't know why. I ended up feeling low at the thought of coming back to campus Sunday and cut.
I cut again yesterday. The lows and anxieties were just piling up again. I'd cut after counseling. I would have again late last night except my roommate was around and I didn't think I could escape safely with the tool and band aids.
I am going to counselling every other week now because I never know what to say and there are so many awkward silences. But I have a hard time explaining my anxiety because I don't necessarily always know why I am anxious or just can't get it out right.
My friend then took me to the pharmacy for some Zoloft. She also said she'd be willing to do refills. I don't know what I'd do without her. For Christmas I'm going to bake her some gluten free brownies, and maybe I will buy her a pack of gum if I have money left over. I really hope she knows how much I appreciate her.
The instructions said to take it in the morning, though, so I had to start today because it was already noon by the time I got them yesterday. Right now I am on a ineffective dose because she wants to make sure it won't kill my digestive system. Then I'm going up to a higher dose to make sure I don't get any suicidal thoughts or symptoms that would suggest I have bipolar and not anxiety and mild depression. Then I will go to my full dose.
To take the dose I have now, I have to cut the pills in half though and it's annoying because they're so teensy, I know I'm not getting anywhere near to half a dose in me. I don't think it'll hurt anything though.
I have to talk to her now though because unless she gives me a prescription that lasts 60 days instead of 30 (I think that's what I'd need?) I won't be able to get my pills over Christmas... I didn't think of that.
I'm meeting with her tomorrow because she wants to check in on me, so I'll bring it up.I've been feeling unstable again today though. My anxiety has been spiking randomly and it takes so long for it to come down. I sat through English class so antsy and fidgety it was horrible. I wanted to mention a book I connected the assignment to and it felt like I was choking on my words and couldn't breathe. I wasn't necessarily anxious about asking her if my book could connect, I was just anxious in general.
Shower made me feel better for a short time but now I'm antsy and anxious again. I feel so unstable right now and I know it's not the meds doing it because I only have a tiny amount in me. Make it stop.
Total Comments 3
Comments
-
Hey there Dezi! I'm sorry that your anxiety is still not stabilized hopefully that will get worked out soon! In the mean time have you tried breathing exercises, maybe even listening to calming music/sounds..there are a ton of videos on youtube that have 1hour up to 10hrs of just calming type sounds. Also what about the old calm jar? Hang in there Dezi! :)Posted October 28th 2014 at 10:04 PM by Thereishope
-
Dezie. :hug:
I can't say I am disappointed in you, you were trying so hard to fight the SH urges. It's hard to keep up with it, and you are going through a lot right now. I'm here, just a text message away if you ever want to talk, all right? :hug: ♥
You should talk to your therapist about this as well, you need more support and your anxiety is probably coming from the overwhelming amount of schoolwork you've got, in addition to the clubs you're a part of. Do you think that could be a part of it? Maybe talk to your academic adviser about it. You don't [I]have[/I]to be enrolled as a full-time student. You could commute to and from home each day.Posted October 28th 2014 at 11:35 PM by -
Hey Dez, I know that you are struggling right now but know you are doing your best. I hope that the Zoloft helps you. I am currently taking Lexapro and so far it has helped somewhat. I understand you were trying to resist your urges to cut but honestly, you are doing your best and that is what matters. Is it possible for you to do homework/spend most of your time in places with people? Even if you do not talk to them and work on homework, browse TH or the web or whatever, it could help you to be in a room with people. Try some breathing exercises. I'm not too good at them myself but I will ask my counselor about them and maybe you can ask your counselor about them and she can help you find some ways you can calm yourself that are affective. I'm not sure if they can give a 60 pill dosage. I am glad you mentioned that in your blog though because I should ask about that for my medicine as well. I know that things are overwhelming for you right now but this will pass and your anxiety will fade hopefully with developing safe coping mechanisms and the Zoloft. Also you can take a bath if your dorm shower room has a tub. I do not do this often but it helps at times to calm me down and just give me time to think. If you believe there is a friend you trust, you could eventually think of discussing your anxiety with them and maybe SH and see if they would be willing to take your tool or tools for you. I did this a few weeks ago and it is definitely anxiety producing and scary and I'm still not used to it and want them but I know that not having them is best. Just some thoughts, I hope that this helps in some way...you can PM me any time Dez, I really mean it and you can send me a message on FaceBook if you would like someone to talk too. Those go to my phone so I should be able to answer quickly unless I'm in class or a meeting. Keep being you and leaning on those around you and remember: more people struggle with SH, anxiety and depression than you may think so if you find a friend you trust, open up some time and that could really help you.Posted October 29th 2014 at 01:17 AM by Philomath
