Updates (trig in some parts?)

I've had a lot going on lately. I'm probably going to forget to mention some of the things, but that's okay.

My APRN wants me to wean off the Gabapentin so I can just be on the Effexor. I don't have to follow any strict routine to do it. She basically just said to take it as needed from now on until I'm out of it and talk to her if anything happens. So far I'm not taking it on Thursday-Sunday anymore because nothing anxiety inducing happens those days. On Monday-Wednesday I am only taking it in the morning now, instead of in the morning and at night, because these three days ARE stressful to me so I feel as if I need something for them right now. I'm not going to take it tomorrow though because tomorrow seems like it'll be an easy day. But Tuesday and Wednesday I'll need it.

The Effexor is helping me a lot though. In general my moods are higher and I'll have more good or neutral days. I'll count that as a win. But I am still getting really emotional and upset about situational things, and it's really impacting me and my life a lot. During my Health Policy presentation, I got a great grade but I was speaking fast and stumbling over my words and I skipped parts and my hands were shaking.

I was confident during the biology LECTURE exam because I studied a lot and the answers were okay.

But then a few days later...

We were standing outside the lecture hall talking, my class. Some of them had already taken the LAB practical and were talking about it and saying how we weren't allowed to use lab notebooks (they said we were going to be allowed to) and how we had to answer open-ended questions and do a procedure. I was sitting there freaking out and trying so hard not to cry, except I did a little. Everyone kept telling me to calm down and breathe because it wouldn't be that bad.

Then we get into the lecture class and he said that the average score on the LECTURE exam was a 61. Cue even more anxiety. I'd been in pretty rough shape all day though. I'd woke up anxious and it'd just spiraled from there.

Later on that night was my LAB exam. Oh god. The open ended stuff was all right, but then we get to the procedural stuff...
Couldn't couldn't couldn't.
I have a hard time in lab. Anxious and stressed before every class which probably affects my performance, but it was ESPECIALLY affected during the exam.
I freaked out. I couldn't find my specimens on the slide. Was so scared and got frustrated and tried not to cry. I'd showed my professor what I THOUGHT I found and she said it was wrong and I basically threw down my pencil and said that I give up. My professor said if I wanted, she'd take five points off my exam and find the specimens for me. She gave this offer to everyone, not just me. So I was like "Yeah, fine, I'll take what I can get at this point." And I STILL couldn't see it. I still saw what I saw before that was wrong, so I was like "That's exactly what I saw before!" So the kid next to me looked, except he fucked everything she'd focused for me up and there was oil on the slide which is NOT GOOD when he switched the lenses, so I got talked to firmly about that and was almost crying more. But then she found it again and I wrote shit down, yay. She then found the second specimen and so I wrote stuff down about that and I still got some of the stuff I wrote down wrong. So I really don't know how I did on the test, but I was probably a huge bitch to my professor and I feel bad. I just wanted to get out of there so I left as fast as I could and I called my mom basically crying and I was just so miserable.


I'm going to talk to my APRN about that. Effexor works great for day to day stuff, but not situational.

Fortunately I did Zumba with my friend after and then we went to Wendy's. So that boosted my mood. I was just so exhausted, and I think I killed my immune system because I came down with a cold like right after.

But I volunteered with my kindergarteners the next day and that's always nice. I mentioned the test to the teachers though and got so worked up over it even talking to them. Like not CRYING, but talking fast and all. I love my kindergarteners though.

I'm taking on way too much this semester though. I have a volunteer thing that I do with the wellness center and I need 25 hours per semester, but with how busy this semester is I don't think I'm going to get it. I keep double scheduling myself and a lot of what I need to do meets at similar times and it's just too overwhelming. A lot of days I barely get in a break so by the end of the day I'm so tense and stressed and frustrated it's ridiculous. On top of all that I have club meetings, class, homework, my kindergartners, etc. Next semester I'm seeing about taking 19 credits, which is 1 over the limit, but my schedule is more spread out which will help.

Saw the gyno Friday. She said the depo shot can make depression worse and she only wants me on it until 21 max because it can really affect your bones. She only had to do an external exam because I'm a virgin, which is good. Then we went grocery shopping and later out to dinner. I was still sick feeling though so I was so tired and went to bed basically right after.

We almost all failed a test in US Government so we get to retake it Tuesday. Nervous about that but whatever.

I also keep dreaming about Misty. Specifically, I keep having dreams where she's sick and we have to put her down. She's been gone for a few years now and it's not even the anniversary of her death, but I keep getting these really sad dreams about her and I miss her so much now.

The rest of this weekend was spent relaxing or playing with my niece, so it was nice, but I wish I could stop the situational anxiety.

Also got a lot of Christmas shopping done, which I'm happy about! I'm excited for all the gifts to get here!

I ALSO found out, I got an 88% on my lecture exam for microbiology!! Dunno what I got on the lab exam yet though, but I'm so excited about the lecture results.

Also, group therapy tomorrow. It's funny because I found out my suitemate is in the same group therapy, as well as someone I know from other events. It always happens to me.

Hopefully this week is calmer.