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Nothing goes right anyway.
Posted January 9th 2016 at 03:38 AM by Face Up.
I have been nothing but a blob all winter break. I thought I had all of these plans in place for the break to keep me from getting depressed or bored or whatever but apparently that didn't work since all I've been doing for the most part is laying in bed.
I have been taking one online winter class and I have one week of it left. I can't motivate myself to do this assignment though even though I really need to. I keep putting it off. It's due Tuesday so my friend and I are supposed to be working on it Saturday and Sunday (half one day and half the next) but I'm scared that plan will fall through. I feel incapable of doing this entire assignment on my own. I keep looking at it and my brain shuts down, and I'm having a hard time with the first chapter that we have to do. Out of all 22 questions, I've done maybe 5. At least if my friend does it with me we'll keep each other focused and help each other out with the hard questions, but without her I'm scared I'll fail.
I also got notice that one of the classes I was registered for for the upcoming spring semester was canceled. Of course I'm immediately freaking out about this and wondering what the hell to do now. That really set back my plan. I wanted to cut.
Luckily my friend thinks with a much more level head than I do and she suggested I call registrar. There was another section of that class open, so she said I should see if I can get into it. I was worried about calling because I had to get dean's permission originally to get into that class because it pushed me over the credit hour limit. I was scared they'd just tell me I'd have to do that all over again. I don't think I'd be willing to do that either because that'd mean that I'd miss the first few classes while waiting, and since it's a geology with a lab I couldn't afford to miss the classes.
But fortunately registrar allowed me to add the class. Good thing, too, I didn't waste tons of money on the textbooks. Now I have four classes on Tuesday, starting at 9:35 in the morning and ending at 10:05 at night, but on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday I only have two classes each day, so maybe I'll survive. But I also have my job, so maybe I'll be stressed. Plus I also have an online-only class. Next semester is going to be stressed and overwhelming and push me to my limits. I feel it.
It just feels like any time I make a plan and think I'm set, it gets derailed. Want to take two winter classes online, have to drop one. Want a specific class next semester because it'd have completed two things at once, it was full. A class gets canceled. Can't work over the winter because of downsizing and now the summer is up in the air too. Nothing goes right for me ever when I need it to and I don't know why I even bother. I feel like I'll never get to where I need to be and honestly I kind of want to give up sometimes. I'm going to be in debt for the rest of my life anyway, so is this really worth it?
I hate me for how bored and sad and miserable I've been all break. I hate me for how ugly I am and how low of self esteem I have. I have lost all my hobbies and can't get them back and can't seem to develop new ones and nothing is going right.
I keep just wanting to cut, but it's been over five months since I have. Sometimes I think about dying, but I know they're not really serious thoughts and nothing I'm in danger of acting on.
I don't ever want to get out of bed or do things and when I do I want to stop soon after and I just don't know how I'm going to get things done or survive next semester or survive my entire life really. My entire life will be hard.
Ugh.
On the bright side, today is Madison's third birthday! I gave her all her gifts and soon will be going to bake cookies and cupcakes for her party that we're having for her tomorrow. I love my baby girl and am so glad to have her in my life.
I have been taking one online winter class and I have one week of it left. I can't motivate myself to do this assignment though even though I really need to. I keep putting it off. It's due Tuesday so my friend and I are supposed to be working on it Saturday and Sunday (half one day and half the next) but I'm scared that plan will fall through. I feel incapable of doing this entire assignment on my own. I keep looking at it and my brain shuts down, and I'm having a hard time with the first chapter that we have to do. Out of all 22 questions, I've done maybe 5. At least if my friend does it with me we'll keep each other focused and help each other out with the hard questions, but without her I'm scared I'll fail.
I also got notice that one of the classes I was registered for for the upcoming spring semester was canceled. Of course I'm immediately freaking out about this and wondering what the hell to do now. That really set back my plan. I wanted to cut.
Luckily my friend thinks with a much more level head than I do and she suggested I call registrar. There was another section of that class open, so she said I should see if I can get into it. I was worried about calling because I had to get dean's permission originally to get into that class because it pushed me over the credit hour limit. I was scared they'd just tell me I'd have to do that all over again. I don't think I'd be willing to do that either because that'd mean that I'd miss the first few classes while waiting, and since it's a geology with a lab I couldn't afford to miss the classes.
But fortunately registrar allowed me to add the class. Good thing, too, I didn't waste tons of money on the textbooks. Now I have four classes on Tuesday, starting at 9:35 in the morning and ending at 10:05 at night, but on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday I only have two classes each day, so maybe I'll survive. But I also have my job, so maybe I'll be stressed. Plus I also have an online-only class. Next semester is going to be stressed and overwhelming and push me to my limits. I feel it.
It just feels like any time I make a plan and think I'm set, it gets derailed. Want to take two winter classes online, have to drop one. Want a specific class next semester because it'd have completed two things at once, it was full. A class gets canceled. Can't work over the winter because of downsizing and now the summer is up in the air too. Nothing goes right for me ever when I need it to and I don't know why I even bother. I feel like I'll never get to where I need to be and honestly I kind of want to give up sometimes. I'm going to be in debt for the rest of my life anyway, so is this really worth it?
I hate me for how bored and sad and miserable I've been all break. I hate me for how ugly I am and how low of self esteem I have. I have lost all my hobbies and can't get them back and can't seem to develop new ones and nothing is going right.
I keep just wanting to cut, but it's been over five months since I have. Sometimes I think about dying, but I know they're not really serious thoughts and nothing I'm in danger of acting on.
I don't ever want to get out of bed or do things and when I do I want to stop soon after and I just don't know how I'm going to get things done or survive next semester or survive my entire life really. My entire life will be hard.
Ugh.
On the bright side, today is Madison's third birthday! I gave her all her gifts and soon will be going to bake cookies and cupcakes for her party that we're having for her tomorrow. I love my baby girl and am so glad to have her in my life.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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I'm sorry about your classes - I'd be worried and stressed too. If you're worried about next semester maybe you could look into tutoring? I know some colleges offer free tutoring and it could help you keep things on track. I'm always here if you need to talk. I know you'll do great this next semester.Posted January 9th 2016 at 03:50 AM by Chuuya
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Hey!
First off I am proud of how far you have come. I know that life right now isn't all peaches and creme (yummy by the way :hehe: ) but things can and will work out just fine. :)
I think you need your own personal Drill Sargent to get you motivated to do things! :hehe: I know how hard it is to get motivated and stay focused on things but I think you have the right idea and having some1 work with you on homework. This could work in other areas too. I know this is a small example but, I'm sure if I didn't constantly remind you to take your turn on the game we play, you wouldn't do it. :P I'm sure if you have others helping you to do things (even if that means dragging your butt to do them) you'll start to get into a positive routine and won't look back! Any assistance that I can be please do not hesitate to ask, all I do ask is that you make sure I make a note of it and not to rely on just memory....since we know how (not) well that works >>
Remember to keep your head up and smile! :DPosted January 9th 2016 at 04:11 AM by Thereishope
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Hey There,
I know what you mean. I am the same way right now. I'm struggling because I have a ton of crap to finish before Tuesday. I am going to have a couple of all-nighters I suppose.
I want to propose something Dez. You do not have to take over the credit limit to graduate and it is fine if you need to stay in school longer than the four years or whatever it may be for your primary major. The thing is Dez, you are in a shitty place right now and I know how that is. Push your self to a limit you can handle but do not push yourself to losing control. If you drop one of the classes that will be fine. You could probably take it during the summer online (so long as it is not a science) or take it online/in-person during the fall or next spring.
It is common for us to rush our lives and put all of these goals, ambitions and dreams before our mental well-being but in all honesty, our health is what is going to keep us going. Take care of yourself, put your health first, there is no shame in needing to take less than overmaxing credits or even the lowest amount possible. You have to do what is best for you even if that is not doing what it appears everyone else around you is doing.
I know it feels dreadful to have to put more time into school but you will do far better and enjoy your college experience more if you take a limit you can handle and do not overload yourself. You are not pathetic or anything. Do not let those thoughts that depression/anxiety are trapping you in win because they are the things that are pathetic.
You are wonderful, strong, resilient and a hell of a great person.
You can get through this.
I hope I did not offend or anything with my post but I have been where you are and I know that it would have helped me to have someone encourage me and help how they think may be useful.
Keep standing tall and I am here if you need someone to talk to/want someone to do homework with.Posted January 10th 2016 at 02:36 AM by Philomath
