Failure.

I woke up feeling really weird. I can't really describe it, but my head felt funny and it was almost as if I wasn't fully in my body, but yet I was? I don't know. I also woke up with aches in my thighs and lower back. I'd been having super weird dreams all night. About the exam, about going to Starbucks on some random field trip, about some...weird dream where I could change colors of myself and my surroundings and other weird things. I don't remember them very well, but they were odd.

I wasn't hungry for breakfast yet so I started taking my final exam right away. I was on Skype with my friend from the class while doing it because honestly we helped each other out, but it was still so hard. I actually started crying a little bit during the exam. Not a lot, just a few drops of tears. But I was worrying out loud so my friend told me I'd be okay and to just breathe.

I started feeling so sick. I got hot and clammy and so nauseous that I was scared I'd have to go and throw up or something while taking the exam, and that then I wouldn't be able to finish.

It was so hard to finish though. The questions were so hard and I don't think I answered them well enough and I am so scared now. The final exam was worth 50% of my grade. I worked so hard on the homework and other assignments for class, and none of that will matter if I don't do well on the final. I've been getting really good grades. I have a 3.9 GPA and this one class can ruin all of that. But at least I managed to submit it in the end, with fifteen minutes to spare. The exam was two hours, and it took me an hour and forty five.

After I submitted I ate something really small because I was still feeling icky. I don't know if it was anxiety or what. Then I went back to bed. At this point it was about 12:30.

I woke up again around 3, still with no appetite and body aches, but my stomach wasn't queasy or anything anymore and I wasn't super hot and clammy anymore.

My niece was there and I played with her a bit. I don't think she felt well at first either because she was pale and quiet, very much unlike her.

After a while I got an appetite back and we both ate soup and then watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Inside Out. She was feeling better at this point too. I was tired and still had mild body aches, and still do, but besides that I feel fine. So I really don't know if what happened earlier was anxiety or if I just was genuinely not feeling well.

I still feel like a failure though, and so shit. Like no matter what efforts I make something goes wrong and I don't do as well as I want and ugh.

The next semester is coming up soon too. I move back into the dorm on Monday and then classes start Tuesday. This is going to be such a long and trying semester.

I don't know if I can make it, but I guess I'll at least try. I hope I don't burn out. I'm losing confidence, hope, and self-esteem fast.