Negative, selfish emotions. (Triggering)

So one of my best friends is bipolar and she's been pretty depressed since the semester started. She went off her meds too because they were making her feel worse and she got frustrated and all that.

It all came to a tipping point on Sunday and I'm not really sure what happened to cause it. I had thrown up in my other friend's dorm Sunday night and so I mentioned in a group chat I have with the depressed friend that I wouldn't be going to breakfast because even though I felt better again I wanted to make sure it was a fluke thing and I wasn't actually sick, so I wanted to give myself some time after waking up.

She got angry and lashed out at this and started talking about how nobody goes for breakfast anymore and nobody cares so why bother. Which we were really confused about because we fill up two tables at breakfast a lot of the time, just sometimes we're busy and can't go and things.

So one of our other friends was like "Well you don't have to go if you don't want to," and she was like "Don't worry, I won't be there."

That hurt and made me feel like absolute shit and I actually had a breakdown over it even though I knew she was just lashing out due to her mental illness and didn't really mean it. I think it was just because I had just gotten sick and she was all pissed and stuff.

But I tried to sleep after that and had a hard time sleeping. I checked her Tumblr and stuff and she'd made a post about pushing people away and stuff and I commented something along the lines of "Sorry, I'm not leaving. I don't want to lose you." I slept off and on after that and woke up still feeling depressed but better health wise so I showered and all that jazz and decided to go to breakfast anyway because two of our mutual friends were still there.

She messaged me and a friend saying she is going to the hospital before she does something stupid. Cue another breakdown. Hahah.

But I also still don't feel sorry for getting upset and hurt at her for lashing out even though I also know it's her fault. I kind of feel frustrated that she can tell me when I hurt her feelings and whatever but I can't really tell her. Mind you I had that feeling before I knew she was in the hospital but now I feel like I'm selfish for still thinking it because I mean that's like a communication barrier idk.

I also feel...jealous is the wrong word but I don't know the right one. Her dad took her to the hospital. Her dad believed her and her family cares and took her to the hospital. I never got that with my family. I have the more silent depression I guess you can call it where I suffer on the inside and function on the outside. She has the external one that people actually notice. When hospitalization was suggested to me by my therapist my mom flipped shit on her and I never got the help. I've always had to do it on my own. And I guess I wish I could have gotten the help? So I guess jealous is the wrong word but I don't know the right one.

And I don't know why I feel irritated and frustrated at the whole thing in general when I know that's terrible of me and selfish and just makes me a bad person in general.

Then tons of tests today on still no sleep and had to register early and it's raining and just life in general is shitting on me I guess?

Bad day. Bad week. Bad whatever.