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A Thousand Years

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Posted April 3rd 2013 at 07:01 PM by Reign.

I have this aching emptiness.

Like rain that just wonít go away.

My emotions are turned off.

The way I used to feel about things is nothing like the way it was before.

Now, I just.. donít care.

About anything.

I almost have to fake my love for those whom love me.

Because I canít feel.

I canít let myself feel anything because if I do, Ďití makes it real.

And then Iíd just shut down.

I canít.

I canít let anyone in.

I canít trust anyone.

I canít allow somoene to come into my life and make me feel something.

Iím like this lifeless, emotionless Ďthing.í

I feel like Iím not alive.

Itís like those moments that put you into complete shock, the moments that are so mind-numbing that you canít even begin to describe it.

Itís because Iím scared.

Iím afraid.

Iím afraid to let myself feel.

So I shut myself off from feeling.

Itís so easy for me itís almost scary.

It almost makes me feel good in a really sick sort of way.

I tell people all the time that they shouldnít let something or someone hurting them to let themselves shy away from letting people in, that it isnít good, that doing that will only hurt them more, that itíll ruin them and their sense of reality.

But do I actually take my own advice?

No.

Who really does anyway?

Itís the screwed up people in this world that give the best advice.

Why?

Because they donít want people to go through what they are.

They donít want someone else on this earth to go through what they went through and feel the way they do.

And thatís me.

Iím just in a shell.

Whatís left of my sanity is somewhere Iím not quite sure of.

And itís funny.

I see myself going down this dark, long, down-ward spiral.

But do I do anything about it?

No.

How can I?

I can only help others.

Not myself.

Even though I know that statement to not be true, I believe it for now.

I hate that.

Iíve got to this point where I just shut off my emotions.

If thereís nothing to feel, thereís nothing to complain about or worry about.

Lifeís easier that way.

ĎWhat makes you feel like this?

What made you get to this point?í

You may ask.

Sad thing is, no one will ever know why.

Even the most open of people have their darkest secrets.

The ones theyíll take to their grave.

The ones that if anyone knew, would destroy everything theyíve worked so hard at trying to keep away from the world and the people around them.

Iím one sad, strange girl.

And thatís all she wrote.
For today at least.
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