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Freezing blueberries and talking to the cat
Posted July 30th 2009 at 08:58 PM by SummerTiger
Somewhere on this site I said that what keeps me moving forward are little epiphanies I keep having every once in a while. Through these tiny realizations, I learn about myself and others. I'm starting to break through the wall of alienation I've built around myself to keep others out (which also prevented ME from reaching out to others). And that makes me happy. I won't say that I'm ecstatic about it, but plain old feeling-at-home, breakfast-in-bed happy. And I have a very good reason to feel happy.
Kahlil Gibran says, "Your house is your larger body." (The smaller one being.. well... your body).
And since a few months back, I've accepted that as the truth. Which means (and I am totally smiling as I'm writing this) that somewhere along the way, I'd accepted that my "smaller body" is also my house, my home. It's like reconciliation with your own body.
Now some might say I'm a weirdo. But it makes me happy. H.A.P.P.Y. happy
Onto "freezing blueberries and talking to the cat". Ahem.
In my last blog, I said that I would explain about the things that motivate me. I made that promse to myself as well as to the reader who bothers to read my previous entry and - having remembered my words -looks for writings on the subject in this one..... Oh, and also for all the rest of you who happen to swing by.
I feel that it's the little things in life that matter the most. And I'll go farther and say that it's not the act of freezing blueberries itself or the act of talking to my cat like I'm loopy, by itself.
What matters is the succession of those little things by more little things. So by the end of the line, you've gone shopping, done your nails, washed the car, frozen the blueberries, talked to mom on the phone, read a book, and talked to the cat.
There.
It's the many moments, the many minutes in that procession that build us. They're the building blocks of our lives. They create us from the ground up.
You've spend 100 hours practicing a musical instrument - you're better at it.
You've spend 10 hours beating your wife - you're... um... better at that too, except now you're 10 hours down the wrong road. A road out of which you'll have to back out with 10 hours of apologies, dates with cops, community service or whatever it is they make abusive husbands do these days (I have no clue).
My motivation is every minute of my life. It's my hobbies, my friends, my cat, those yummy blueberries, the garden, my laptop, my English paper... My motivation is all around me.
Somehow, I found my way of getting out of the hole that is my ED, my depression, my loneliness, my self-harming, my effed up relationship with my father, my anxiety, my self-consciousness, my self-loathing........
It's hard. I look at that list, and I want to eat five chocolate bars, to have a row with my father, to dress in baggy black clothes, to look at myself in the mirror and cry.
But I don't do any of those things. And it is SO HARD.
But I just don't.
And I'll do anything to build myself up again. Minute by minute. Conversation by conversation. Step by step.
~~
Once, when it was really bad for me, I said to myself: I wouldn't wish this on anybody. And I really wouldn't. Feel free to PM me if something's on your mind. Whatever it is, I'll lend you an ear, so that you can feel a little bit better.
~~
Tiger out.
Kahlil Gibran says, "Your house is your larger body." (The smaller one being.. well... your body).
And since a few months back, I've accepted that as the truth. Which means (and I am totally smiling as I'm writing this) that somewhere along the way, I'd accepted that my "smaller body" is also my house, my home. It's like reconciliation with your own body.
Now some might say I'm a weirdo. But it makes me happy. H.A.P.P.Y. happy
Onto "freezing blueberries and talking to the cat". Ahem.
In my last blog, I said that I would explain about the things that motivate me. I made that promse to myself as well as to the reader who bothers to read my previous entry and - having remembered my words -looks for writings on the subject in this one..... Oh, and also for all the rest of you who happen to swing by.
I feel that it's the little things in life that matter the most. And I'll go farther and say that it's not the act of freezing blueberries itself or the act of talking to my cat like I'm loopy, by itself.
What matters is the succession of those little things by more little things. So by the end of the line, you've gone shopping, done your nails, washed the car, frozen the blueberries, talked to mom on the phone, read a book, and talked to the cat.
There.
It's the many moments, the many minutes in that procession that build us. They're the building blocks of our lives. They create us from the ground up.
You've spend 100 hours practicing a musical instrument - you're better at it.
You've spend 10 hours beating your wife - you're... um... better at that too, except now you're 10 hours down the wrong road. A road out of which you'll have to back out with 10 hours of apologies, dates with cops, community service or whatever it is they make abusive husbands do these days (I have no clue).
My motivation is every minute of my life. It's my hobbies, my friends, my cat, those yummy blueberries, the garden, my laptop, my English paper... My motivation is all around me.
Somehow, I found my way of getting out of the hole that is my ED, my depression, my loneliness, my self-harming, my effed up relationship with my father, my anxiety, my self-consciousness, my self-loathing........
It's hard. I look at that list, and I want to eat five chocolate bars, to have a row with my father, to dress in baggy black clothes, to look at myself in the mirror and cry.
But I don't do any of those things. And it is SO HARD.
But I just don't.
And I'll do anything to build myself up again. Minute by minute. Conversation by conversation. Step by step.
~~
Once, when it was really bad for me, I said to myself: I wouldn't wish this on anybody. And I really wouldn't. Feel free to PM me if something's on your mind. Whatever it is, I'll lend you an ear, so that you can feel a little bit better.
~~
Tiger out.
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