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Another day,
Posted November 5th 2009 at 03:56 AM by ThoughtManifest
Spent some time exploring a new genre of music that's somewhere between techno and industrial and noise. It feels really good, even though the singers scream a lot (but that's more my parents talking than me) which includes bands such as Cyanotic and 16Volt among others. It's actually really calming.
So I had my birthday about a week ago and got a hundred dollars from my uncle. I thought about buying DJ Hero with it, but with the new onslaught of stress and my parents being generally pissed off every day I think I may have to put that off and buy some CDs to help me focus. I got some new CDs as well, but a nice healthy mix would be beneficial and I feel in need of a large influx of new sounds that are all my own. This path would probably be more helpful than investing it again, I already have 300 dollars in the stock market and I'll add to that as the years pass. But for now I think this is the best.
I've been super tired and completely unmotivated all day. If I hadn't written off self harm, that's what I'd be doing tonight. But instead I ate a lot of cereal (stayed under my calorie quota somehow) and will be going to bed early. I know I won't want to wake up in the morning. I wish I were irresponsible and didn't give a fuck, but that's the problem with wanting to succeed in life. What's silly is that I know I can't tell my therapist about all of this for fear that she will tell my parents and make my parents even angrier than they are now. I can only hope to convince her of what it's like here at home, have her understand that since my parents don't gibe me any freedom, if they are upset and angry it directly reflects onto me. That would only make things worse. So much worse.
It's strange when you realize you're all alone. My one and only friend could care less if I'm like this and would care even less to know. I've never had a boyfriend like normal people, not even a girlfriend, not even a fake one because it would cause too much stress with my parents. My sisters are nowhere to be seen. My parents are so angry I wouldn't dare talk to them about anything important. The rest of my family is untrustworthy and doesn't care about my welfare, they're all mostly selfish or delusional. You people online don't care about me, don't deny it, if I disappeared tomorrow you'd never even notice. My teachers only see me as this fake, perfect student, and they are so super stressed they don't have the time to ask me if anything is wrong. I'm seen as a tool, something reliable to throw into a situation. I want someone who just loves me for who I am so bad, it hurts. It's cliche, but no one understands who I am or the way I work and if they did, they would reject it outright. I'm not normal, that's the problem. I'm not quiet, I'm not delusional, I don't settle.
I've fashioned my own grave, now the question is whether or not I'll get in.
So I had my birthday about a week ago and got a hundred dollars from my uncle. I thought about buying DJ Hero with it, but with the new onslaught of stress and my parents being generally pissed off every day I think I may have to put that off and buy some CDs to help me focus. I got some new CDs as well, but a nice healthy mix would be beneficial and I feel in need of a large influx of new sounds that are all my own. This path would probably be more helpful than investing it again, I already have 300 dollars in the stock market and I'll add to that as the years pass. But for now I think this is the best.
I've been super tired and completely unmotivated all day. If I hadn't written off self harm, that's what I'd be doing tonight. But instead I ate a lot of cereal (stayed under my calorie quota somehow) and will be going to bed early. I know I won't want to wake up in the morning. I wish I were irresponsible and didn't give a fuck, but that's the problem with wanting to succeed in life. What's silly is that I know I can't tell my therapist about all of this for fear that she will tell my parents and make my parents even angrier than they are now. I can only hope to convince her of what it's like here at home, have her understand that since my parents don't gibe me any freedom, if they are upset and angry it directly reflects onto me. That would only make things worse. So much worse.
It's strange when you realize you're all alone. My one and only friend could care less if I'm like this and would care even less to know. I've never had a boyfriend like normal people, not even a girlfriend, not even a fake one because it would cause too much stress with my parents. My sisters are nowhere to be seen. My parents are so angry I wouldn't dare talk to them about anything important. The rest of my family is untrustworthy and doesn't care about my welfare, they're all mostly selfish or delusional. You people online don't care about me, don't deny it, if I disappeared tomorrow you'd never even notice. My teachers only see me as this fake, perfect student, and they are so super stressed they don't have the time to ask me if anything is wrong. I'm seen as a tool, something reliable to throw into a situation. I want someone who just loves me for who I am so bad, it hurts. It's cliche, but no one understands who I am or the way I work and if they did, they would reject it outright. I'm not normal, that's the problem. I'm not quiet, I'm not delusional, I don't settle.
I've fashioned my own grave, now the question is whether or not I'll get in.
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