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I'll never feel great mentally.

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Posted September 18th 2021 at 01:29 AM by Wheek!
Updated September 18th 2021 at 11:04 PM by Wheek!

My prescriber and I were having a conversation the other day.

She said something that's staying with me. She doesn't think there will be a time where I'll meet with her and say "I feel great!" I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions, any type of emotion, and go off the deep end quickly. We decided we are satisfied when I feel numb. Numb isn't impulsive. Numb isn't too depressed to function or doing something stupid while hypomanic.

But her not thinking that there will ever be a time I meet with her and tell her I feel great sticks with me.

Because she's right.

I'm destined to be this way forever. And is this really a life worth living?

She also asked if I ever actually remember a time when I felt great, and I couldn't.

It wasn't all negative. She agreed I am making progress and am doing things I wouldn't have thought I would've done when I started seeing her. I'm VOLUNTARILY practicing driving and made an appointment for the test, although I have to reschedule due to surgery. I graduated. I have a part-time job. Once I get my driver's license I'll look for other work.

So I'm doing the thing. But why bother if I'll never actually feel happy?
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