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Feeling dread (suicide and death/grieving trigger)

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Posted July 22nd 2022 at 10:08 PM by Wheek!
Updated July 23rd 2022 at 12:46 AM by Wheek!

I am dreading the day that this job ends at the end of December and I have to work full time. I have so many doctor's appointments and mental health issues that I don't know how I'll cope without a job that is so flexible that I am able to fit everything in. My job gets overwhelming a lot but it is part time, and my therapist thinks I'd be good with a PART TIME job, but I'll have to look into full time to pay the bills. That's where it gets scary.

I dread losing Medicaid and having to go on real insurance because I know I won’t be able to afford my meds and appointments.

I'm also dreading the rest of my life, honestly. Going to work, paying bills, repeating it all again, being tired all the time, being chronically ill, not having time to see friends, and doing it all over again.

I dread the fact that my parents are older, one is turning 72 and one just turned 70. And they have chronic health conditions. I realized I can't function without them. I don't drive, I don't cook, I don't really know how to "adult."

I also admittedly have had dreams about their health deteriorating because it is a big fear of mine. I don't think I'll be able to take care of them when they get to the point that they can't take acre of themselves, and my sister is in Florida. Watching them get sick and die is a big fear of mine. It's always on my mined, wondering how many good years I have left with them.

Sometimes I still want to kill myself to stop the dread. But I'm scared that it won't work and I'll damage my liver, since I already have a lesion on it, or damage my kidneys. I'm afraid that I'll regret it and just have damage to live with. Maybe one day I'll get over that fear again and just do it. Just try to kill myself again like I did on April 12.

I just want to stop dreading life. Is this really all it is?
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  1. Old Comment
    Golfing girl's Avatar
    I'm sorry about all of this Dez. I hope you are able to find insurance and it's not too much. Try not to worry about your parents, I understand them getting older. Try playing with your piggies to help you to feel better.
    permalink
    Posted July 26th 2022 at 12:02 PM by Golfing girl Golfing girl is offline
 
 
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