My parents will probably never know

[Sophrosyne]

Ok. This is basically everything I have been wanting to tell me parents but never have been able to.
When I was 6, my parents got divorced. I was at that age that everyone thought, Oh yea she won't remember it, she'll be fine, so no one ever talked to me about it and they all thought I forgot about it. That I had forgotten about walking into the kitchen to hear my parent screaming at each other, to have my dad walk into his room and start packing his suitcase, to have me walk in and ask him when he was coming back and him telling me he wasn't sure. To have me wait everyday for a reply to my emails for several months with no response. To later find out he told my mum that he never wanted to see or hear from me again, and to tell me to stop.
When I was 7 I tried to kill myself. I was 7 for crying out loud. I mean what 7 year old is done with life by then? Apparently me. When it didn't work I tried again at 8. And 9. No one knew because I was home alone. Technically that's illegal but they really didn't care about that. Although the one when I was 9 it was the middle of the night.
When I was that young, I had to wait up at night waiting for my mum to come home. I was terrified of the dark, I was 8 ok?, and every time it got past 6 I would start having panic attacks and seeing things around every corner. Still, no one knew. When my mum eventually got home, she would send me to sleep and then drink alcohol until she went mad. She never saw me watching her from around the corner terrified of telling her I was scared, of everything, because I was scared she would hurt me. I stood behind my door every night to hide from the monsters under my bed, so they couldn't grab me in my sleep, and when my mum checked on me in the middle of the night, I'll be laying on the floor asleep behind my door. Obviously these were on the days when she didn't go crazy in the kitchen.
When I was about 10 I got told to start seeing my dad again. I was ecstatic. Of course I didn't know yet he didn't actually want to see me, and this was also before I knew he had a girlfriend who he thought didn't affect me or my sister, and didn't affect our lives in anyway so he never thought to mention this to us. I mean he had plenty of opportunities, the entire time we were in court, the weekends we spent there, the weeks we spent there against our will at this point. My sister had taken to locking herself in her room screaming for him to go away, and I was too scared to say no, because he physically abused me. Just no one knew. Oh and he also yells and when he yells he hits. I have grown up being terrified of him because of all the pain he caused me.
In grade 8 I started getting bullied. Whatever they thought of, they called me. And did to me. I was pushed and tripped and beaten up, in grade 4 this happened too but not so bad, just humiliated in front of my entire class and sent to detention for defending myself against someone bullying me but anyway, in grade 8 I was officially labelled as a rude heartless bitch who doesn't care about anyone, although everyone will probably think that that is stupid to care about people saying that, that is the only thing that hurts because once upon a time I cared to much about people and now my only defence system is to act like I don't care even though I still care to much. My best friends now hate me because I said something heartless, because I was acting like I didn't care about anything, even though I cared. But I still hurt from these people bullying me, there was more, I'm just not going to go into details.
By now I have tried to kill myself 3 times, Had severe depression by the time I was in grade 7 till grade 10. I have ben self harming for the past year although I stopped today. Hopefully. I didn't even know what it was in grade 7. If I had I guarantee I would have done it.
This is basically all the things my mum has never found out about and probably never will. To all the people who actually read all that, Wow you must be pretty bored but thanks for reading it all. Hope you had fun.

[L4Y]

I did read this and I feel your story is absolutely worthwhile. I'm very sorry you have been through so much in your young life and I hope sharing your feelings here helped to some degree.

It sounds as if the issues between you and your parents continue to deeply affect you to this day. As it is causing you so much pain, I truly believe it would be beneficial to you to have a good discussion with both of them (or at least one) if possible. If you don't feel this can happen, I would suggest at least speaking to a counselor or therapist, as it really does seem as if these are things you need to discuss.

I wish you the best and hope everything works out.

[NatureFantasy]

It really stinks when the adults in your life, who are the ones who are supposed to act grown-up and responsible, and to keep you safe, are the ones who hurt you by acting irresponsible, neglectful and mean.

It's also horrible that you were being bullied in school and none of the teachers did anything to stop it.

I was in a very similar situation in middle school, so I know how you feel.

I think you should talk to your best friends about why you were acting the way you did. Hopefully they'll understand and forgive you, but even if not, talking with them will at least give you the closure of knowing you did your best to try and patch up the relationship.

Although if your best friends also bullied you after you said whatever it was, I can understand if you don't want to talk to them about it. Instead, it might be best to start fresh with new friends on a clean slate, as hard as it may be to separate yourself from those you were once close to. If your best friends did not bully you, and I am misunderstanding, please ignore this paragraph.

I definitely advise talking to someone you trust about what is going on. I also advise you to go see a counselor, therapist or psychologist, as Little Miss suggested. They are trained to help you move past a lot of the pain you are feeling, as well as to come up with strategies to make life less painful for you, and maybe eventually happier.

I hope that everything works out well for you. If you ever want to talk, feel free to post again or PM one of the members here.

[Green Yoshi]

you definitely deserve a better childhood, and the people who bullied you are people who 've serious problem and never really saw you for the awesome person you really are. I want to reach out to you, i want to be your friend.. and i suggest moving areas or schools to an area where you finally feel like home.

The past is the past.. its time to concentrate on the future.. on the things that make you happy. All of us have our skeletons in the closet and its no point thinking bout it . Just burn that skeleton, buy a new closet and move on.

you're strong.. ya hear? and you're loved. so loved.