Triggering (Suicide): Ready to do it

[FrozenRobot7]

I am just so so tired and feel like I can’t do it anymore.

Im about to finish college but getting a real job at this point seems so daunting and I’ve been so depressed recently that I can’t even bring myself to do it. But I have no familial support so I need a job desperately, but I can’t even imagine having the energy for a full time job. I am so tired and usually I go in and out of depression but I can’t get out of it this time. I’ve reached out to people and that doesn’t even help. I’m isolating, I don’t have energy for anyone or anything I usually enjoy and I just don’t see a point anymore. There just seems to be more and more thibgs every day that make me feel shitter about myself and just make me justify wanting to die.

I don’t even know by I’m writing here, I don’t know what I’m looking for. I really just want to die, but every time I really go there I think of my brother and boyfriend and then feel so supremely guilty. But I’m bringing my boyfriend down, and I’ve isolated myself from my brother anyway so they would be better off anyway.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. I've definitely been in your shoes with things in life feeling daunting, and it's super hard to come out of.

Do you think career services of some sort could help you find a job? It may make it less daunting to have someone help you with the resume and application process so it's not all on you. For example, we have a service called Kuhn where I live, and they help look at your resume and cover letter and help you find jobs that you may enjoy. You'd tell them a bit about yourself and they can help you find jobs that may match up with your personality a little bit. One of their offices was based out of where I go to therapy so they expected people to have mental illness or be recovering from substance use, and therefore not be the perfect person.

You can also talk to an employment specialist about what workplace accommodations you can receive. For example, they may be able to give you an extra break or work with you on your schedule as long as you don't get excessive with it. Mental illness is considered a disability, at least if you are in the US, so you would be protected under that. It may make your time working at least a little easier having some help.

I've learned that you can't wait for yourself to have the energy to do something, or else it won't get done. I've learned about opposite action, which is basically doing the opposite of what your mind is telling you to do. This is an unrelated example, but if you want to lash out, the opposite action would be to treat the person with kindness/understanding. I've also used Finch, which is a self-care app. It helps me meet my daily goals knowing I am taking care of a little bird friend. I've also had an accountability buddy. You don't have to tell them WHY you're struggling necessarily since you said it hasn't helped, but it may help if you say "hey, I'm having a hard time getting -x- task done, do you think you could call me while I do it?" For example, I have a friend who I call while I'm cleaning because it makes the time go by faster. Sometimes she cleans as well so we both get things done!

This is a list of reasons to live. There are a lot of smaller things on this list as well that can hold you over. For example, you might find joy in the little thing of watching the sunrise/sunset, smelling your favorite candle/lotion, or hugging a cute stuffed animal. Also try and make a list of good things that happened during the day. Again, it doesn't have to be anything big. It can be something like a stranger smiled at me/liked my outfit. It just shows that there are good things in life.

You said you've reached out to people. Have you ever reached out to someone like a doctor or therapist? They're unbiased and have experience with mental health so they may be a good place to go to. Remember that if one therapist doesn't work out, that's okay. It's a lot of trial and error to find the right person for you, so don't' get discouraged. My favorite type of therapy is DBT, but you and your therapist can work out what would be best for you.

I don't think your brother, boyfriend, or anyone else would be better off if you were dead. These people love and care about you and would be so upset to see anything happen to you. I'd talk to your boyfriend and brother about how you are feeling, because I bet they'd be able to reassure you. You don't have to have any in-depth conversations with your brother right away either. For example, you can send him a meme that you found that you think he'd enjoy and just let him know you're thinking of him.

Try and find ways to express yourself as well, such as writing, art, or music. It can help to have an outlet for these emotions so you're not as overwhelmed.

I hope things look up for you soon. You deserve nice things.

Take care,
Dez