suicidal ideation vent

[Em0bxy]

So yesterday I had therapy at 4pm and I walk talking to my therapy about my SI. I got a little too honest and almost got sent to the hospital. I told her how I had no motivation to live anymore and how I was going to kill myself if one more thing that was stressful happened within the next three days. I told her how nothing was getting better, I told her everything that was suicide related in my mind. I'm starting a program similar to EMDR but for depression, and still I got a risk assessment, I saw the crisis clinician, and then we talked to the supervisor and I still almost got sent tot he ER, I didn't, but almost. It was horrifying. I couldn't go back there again. I would literally kill myself in the ward. I'd edited I'd do anything to die if that happened to me. But it didn't. Monday I have therapy again and if this weekend goes badly she said she might send me to the er but I'm not sure. I am hoping she doesn't because I'm literally missing my last day of school for this therapy appointment. I want to hurt myself but my boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I don't last longer than my longest time safe(8 weeks). So yeah, I can't go the er or he'll lose his shit too. I want to cut my wrists again, but I don't have my blades anymore, so yeah. AHHHH what do I do in this shitty position. my fingers are working faster than my brain so I'm sorry if I duplicated words or missed words or sum shit idek atp. I ai'nt reading over this again because I could care less.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am sorry about what you have been going through and I hope that you will be okay soon.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry you're going through that but it's great that you were honest with people about what was going on.

I will say that trying to kill yourself in a hospital is hard. If they catch you, there's a possibility you'll be put on a one on one. That means that someone has to be with you at all times, even when you are sleeping. They follow you to your room, to the common areas, everywhere. I've even had people lose privileges to their clothing in the past and they've had to wear just an open-back paper gown and their underwear. I'm sure you don't want that to happen!

Maybe you can make a deal with the therapist that you'll at least try the new program and see how it goes before doing anything dangerous. BUT if the therapists of any of the programs think that you are at risk of harming yourself, they will still have to send you to the ER. I just strongly encourage you to give the new program a try before you attempt suicide, because there's the possibility that it can really help.

Your boyfriend is going about things the wrong way, and I'm sorry about it. It's not healthy that he's threatening to break up with you over this. That just adds more pressure and more triggers. Do you think you could sit down with him and talk to him about things that would actually help you? If you're in a relationship with someone it's important that they are someone you can talk to about what is going on and get support. If he's not that type of person, maybe this relationship isn't a good idea.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Take care,
Dez

[Em0bxy]

I've been on a 1-1 before, I've lost ROOM privileges before unless I was going to sleep, and I'd be removed if I started to hurt myself and got caught, even if it was past unit bed time. i'd be up until like 10 or 11(past second shift) and then go to bed, and then STILL have to be restrained before the night is over. So I'm definitely aware it's hard, but I've almost done it. I had to be physically lifted off the floor to be able to cooperate, and then got an IM to calm me down. So yeah.

[Em0bxy]

Ok now I've been on 1-1, 2-1, room lock out, room lock in, 15 minute checks, 5 minute checks, restrained, coded, and more.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am really sorry about what you have been going through and I hope that you will be okay soon.