Triggering (Suicide): kinda a rant sorry

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hi,
I'm sorry if this post doesn't really make much sense, i just don't really feel like i have anyone to talk too so its a big rant I guess. For contexts im a 15 yr old female.
I've been off school for a few weeks because I've had a virus, and its made me realise just how little my friends care about me. Honestly, I put all my energy into these friendships and they honestly don't give me anything back or like they try to but it's kinda half assed? sorry ive gone off topic a bit
I've been self harming since my dad passed four years ago. Recently though i've been trying to quit because i think one of my friends found out and shes really close to my mum (we were on holiday her my mum and me) and i dont want her telling my mum . Saying that i feel like sh keeps my more like IDK extreme (?) thoughts under wraps liek it keeps me grounded. Normally i'd do it like maybe 3-5 days a week. I haven't done it in a week now, but its like all my more suicidal thoughts are coming back and no matter what i can't stop them just telling me too end it because no one would care anymore. I know my mum loves me but we argue so much. I got pretty drunk over halloweekend and she was not particularly pleased, i could jsut tell she was dissapointed in me. Recently, I just feel like numb and empty. I know how I'd end it. I've known for years. I've had it all planned out, my plans always been to try and make it to 19 but now I don't know if i can wait that long to just get it over with. I have people to talk to but I know they'll tell my mum or my school and im ashamed I don't want anyone to know how fucked up I am until I'm gone and won't care how they talk about me. Also I rlly can't talk to my mum because shes a trained therapist and has tried to coax me to go to therapy but I had a not brill experience with it and also Im like 80% sure she'd send me to someone she knows and they would just tell her everything. I need to do something idk what. Sorry for this rant i just need to get it out. I just don't know how much longer I can last. I'm trying to slowly distance myself in the hope people might not miss me as much if i do actually do it.[/size][/color][/font]