Triggering (Suicide): it feels easier to give up...

[Soda_Voxel]

Hi everyone. Been a little while since I've posted here. I'm just going to ramble a bit.

My suicidal thoughts have been on and off lately. Some really good stuff has happened, so at times I've been much less suicidal and sometimes very hopeful for life. But there's also times where I feel horrible and like it's not worth it still. It's wild how the brain can go from happy and positive one day, to losing all hope then next. ┐(´ー｀)┌
I know I won't get anywhere by lazing around and complaining about how I don't do anything with my life, or how I have no job or purpose in life, etc. and just doing nothing to change it. But it's so hard. I never know where to start with anything. I feel too stupid and incapable to make any attempt at trying to actually...have a life? And be a member of society?
For those who don't know, I dropped out of school young due to my mental health and the education system failing me as a mentally ill and autistic teenager. So as a result, I'm very secluded from people and, to be blunt, pretty stupid in a lot of ways. A combined lack of general knowledge, my general anxiety, and my autism making me struggle with social cues and instructions, has made it impossible for me to do most things. I have never had a job. I don't see people in real life very often - luckily this one part is changing because I now have a very close IRL friend who I see semi-regularly, however it's only this one person - and I'm not good at being social. I don't know basic things that most people know and I find it difficult to grasp really simple concepts or instructions. Not to mention I'm also physically disabled; I have dyspraxia, which creates a lot of problems in day-to-day life and makes it extremely hard for me to do a lot of things that other people consider trivial.

I have many dreams and aspirations but I feel like I will never be able to pursue them. There are many childhood experiences I'll never get to have now, which really hurts. And all the things I want in my dream future take so much to get there and I just don't think I'm able. Nearly every time I try for a second to think about how I could progress in my life, I just stop and think, "god, it's all so hard, isn't it? why don't i just die instead? that's easier".

I understand it's all a pretty pessimistic look on things. I've been to therapy before and I'm self-aware that I'm self sabotaging. But it's just so hard to take an outside perspective and feel like it's actually possible for me to do anything. I see all of my friends be successful and have fulfilling lives, and it hurts me, as selfish as it is. My friend who I've known for like 8 years now, I struggle to talk to him now, all because it seems like he's amazing at literally everything he does, and he's so successful in life, I just feel like trash whenever I talk to him, because he's everything I want to be, but can't be.

All I do is sit in my bed all day at home 95% of the time. Mum does most of the productive things around the house. I don't feel human. I feel like a shell... yes, I could put in the work to get closer to that life I want, but I can't help but feel like it'd be for nothing, given how incapable I am at most things. Oftentimes it seems like it'd be easier to just give up...

Thanks to anyone who read all this, hopefully it made some sense.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

It sounds like you're going through a lot right now.

I think you should remind yourself of the good things that happened. If good things happened before, they're bound to happen again! My therapist has told me to find things to look forward to as well, even if it's just something like the release of a new movie or going to your favorite location. Basically like "I can't kill myself yet or I won't get to experience -x-." And then when that thing happens, you think of something else to look forward to.

I wonder if DBT therapy would help you. It does involve a lot of work but it seems like it would teach you some skills like opposite action that might be able to help you get out of this rut and start putting in work towards your goals.

In the US, getting your GED is an option. Basically if you drop out of school, you can get a GED that is basically the equivalent of finishing high school. There are online programs for this too if you're nervous about going in-person. This might be an easier option to continue your education, if there's something similar in England.

Do you think your close IRL friend can introduce you to some of their friends? That friend would be there for the interaction which may take a lot of pressure off because that friend can kind of moderate things.

I'm not sure what your childhood goals were, but maybe you can try to invent some things to heal your inner child. There's nothing saying you can't do "childish" things as long as you're not hurting anyone.

I hope things look up for you soon.

Take care,
Dez