Boyfriends mood triggering cutting, help!!

[BlueEyedBeauty]

I know this is long...But I had to explain the situation. Please read.
How do I deal with a boyfriend who is in constant need of reassurance of my love and relationship? It’s emotionally draining every time this happens. I spend several hours on the phone expressing my love and that I don’t want anyone else. Then all he says is that “he is easily replaceable, I deserve better, that I probably already have other boyfriends.” When he is happy he is really happy and loving, then when he is depressed he gets low self-esteem and confidence. And talks about trying to get away from it all or that he should just die. I am emotionally and physically drained after these conversations that take place because I am constantly explaining that I’m not leaving him, love him, and never want to let him go. How can I deal with this without being completely drained from talking to him in one of these moods? Background on myself; I am a recovering self-harmer. I have self-harmed since I was 10. I am now 21. My last cut was in January. His moods trigger my anxiety to cut and the need to release the stress from my veins instead of expressing to him how I feel. That way it doesn’t send him into one of his moods or worsens the one that he is having. Please help!!!

[Aureate]

Hey there,

Is you BF getting some sort of professional help? He really needs to be seeing someone, because it's not fair for this to be all on you. Those sort of conversations are incredibly draining and it's not surprising it has this effect.

If he is seeing someone, as hard as it is to do you may need to try and wean him off you, to an extent. Encourage him to talk to them, and try and get some coping strategies in place. He needs to learn to I guess self soothe in a way, because as good as it is to rely on people this isn't a sustainable behaviour.

If he isn't seeing someone, he really should be and you should encourage this. If he refuses, well I think then you may need to do a 'cruel to be kind' sort of thing and straight up tell him that he needs to see someone and take responsibility for his illness, and that when he does have these long intense conversations with you it triggers you. Reassure him that you do still love him, and you do still want him to tell you things, but he needs to understand that him constantly refuting your care and telling you you're lying/can find someone better etc has a really negative effect on you.

Aside from that - in the meantime after these conversations, just take some time out. You've been so strong so far in staving of these SH urges and combatting this addiction, so keep using whatever coping mechanisms that have been working. You can keep this at bay - you have since Jan and you can now.

[Catharsis.]

Hi, Barb!

Firstly, congratulations on being self-harm free for so long!

As for your boyfriend, I agree with Natalie above. It would appear that he really needs professional help. You can't be bearing the full responsibility for his mental health yourself. If it's a case that he is already, you could make sure that he's getting the support he needs from it, because he mightn't feel like he can trust the person he's seeing.

These sort of conversations really don't help, and I can imagine how draining they are, so make sure you take care of yourself as well.

All the best!

Hey, Barb!

Congratulations on being SH free for so long. You're doing really great and you should be proud of yourself.

Sorry about this. Being in a friendship or a romantic relationship means we should care and try to be supportive/helpful towards each other. But you can't constantly keep doing this since it's effecting you so much. Can you suggest professional help to him? It could be really beneficial that he talks to someone, for his sake, and yours.

Maybe you could make him a Calm Down Jar for him when he starts feeling this way? And for you too? The Self-Harm Alternatives list is also helpful.

Hope this situation improves! Good luck with everything. Stay Strong.