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Heathen Offline
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Cutting just because? - April 12th 2019, 03:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I cut for the first time in two years on Sunday because I was feeling emotionally distressed after a week of fighting with my partner and having PTSD issues. I thought that would be the last time. I decided I would treat myself with kindness instead of letting myself get swept up in the guilt and shame spiral and just cutting more. And it worked, sort of. I feel self-compassion, self-love, contentment, etc. However, I'm still cutting and I don't know why. Every time I'm alone for an extended period of time I get this overwhelming urge to cut. It's like a craving, which isn't that weird, but usually I crave emotional release or distraction. This is just craving the physical sensation of cutting.

I've gone to great lengths to do it, too. Sunday I cut with a used tool, but I threw part of it in the trash. My partner took those particular tools, and all other tools she could think of, and hid them. But Tuesday I dug the tool I threw away in the VERY dirty trash can and cut with it. I sanitized it beforehand but it was still a huge infection risk. Wednesday and Thursday I scoured the house for other tools, almost desperately. Finally Thursday I found some my partner had missed and cut again. It's kind of crazy the lengths I'm going just to satisfy my craving.

I'm very introspective. Even when I choose to bury it I am ALWAYS aware of my feelings and thoughts. I truly feel I would know if something was wrong. Nothing seems wrong, though, but that doesn't match up with my behavior when in the past fifteen years of self-harming behaviors I've almost always cut as a direct result of emotional distress. Can someone be truly happy when they're cutting? Am I missing something? I feel like right now I just like the pain and I don't know how else to get it.

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Re: Cutting just because? - April 12th 2019, 06:17 PM

Hey Jordan,
I understand how confusing this can be, since cutting is usually done for a certain purpose.

When I was still cutting it got to the point where I would do it just because. If I was happy, sad, pissed off you name it I did it. I think a lot of people have gone through a pointless t I. Time where they cut just to cut. I am also wondering if you could be cutting because you missed it deep down, and since you started again you are afraid it will go away. I hope that made sense. I think that maybe a thing you look at if you are truly wanting to find why you are doing it now.

I am not sure if you have had DBT, but I have found that it is really helping me finding new ways to deal with everything. I'm not sure if it would work for this specific reason.. But it maybe worth a try.

I am wondering if you have brought this up with your care team. If you haven't maybe you should. They can help give you ideas and they may even help you understand why you are cutting right now. I hope this has helped even if it was just a little bit.

If you ever need to talk my Pm/VM is always open.
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Re: Cutting just because? - April 13th 2019, 06:51 AM

Cutting is an addiction.

I've been self harm free for three years but my mind still goes back to self harm at times. Lately I've been struggling a lot with things and self harm has been at the fore front but I can admit that there have been times when my anxiety has been decent, my depression has been fine and I would have a thought of "I wish I could cut". I couldn't figure out why but, for me, it comes back to the fact that I was severely addicted to self harm and I missed the high of it.

My urges to self harm increase more during stressful situations but I still get urges and I've almost caved a few times when I was doing fine emotionally. An example I can give, when my boyfriend proposed I was exceptionally happy and was on a high but there was a part of my mind that went back to "Maybe it would feel good to cut".

It's an addiction and you can't fully understand the addiction. I think there are always some type of trigger but I do think the addiction can lead to impulsiveness which might be what you are experiencing at this point in time.

If you take a step back and think about life do you think some of the things you've been dealing with ... the arguing with your partner and the PTSD related issues could be what caused the relapse? Maybe they brought up some emotions that you haven't been able to put your finger on?

This might be all over the place and I apologize. I am here if you need anything.

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