Triggering (Abuse): Struggling with memories.

[WhisperingSilence]

Okay long story short, this week I was like watching tv and a segment on the tv show was a celebrity (it was like a chat show) was on it talking about his abusive childhood and his alcoholic dad. and the stuff he was like talking about I could relate to , I couldn't relate to all of it but there were lots of things I could like relate too, and since then its like bought up alot of memories of my childhood... things that I haven't like dealt with or like really spoke about alot... things that I would rather not think about. These memories are like also bringing up alot of questions about my childhood and why no-one like really ever helped or did anything to help.
And now I just feel angry at the world, angry at people who could have helped but didn't , angry about how things were and angry about how things could have been different if someone only intervened... and by the time someone did intervene my adhd and autism were blamed... and how I was told I was the one who like needed anger management help...
And now I just feel trapped with the memories... like I am now prisoner of my own mind.
And I don't know what to do, I've had trauma therapy before, I've had CBT, I've had DBT...
I'm struggling and I'm scared my anger is going to come out in unhealthy ways , the urges to self harm are pretty intense too.
I kind of want to try and contact the celebrity but I know that would be like super weird...

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey Lyd,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be super hard to have these memories resurface because of what you saw on this chat show.

I've seen from your other posts that you go to some type of group regularly (I forgot the name, sorry!) and I'm wondering if you can pull a staff member aside and talk to them about how you are feeling. I'm not saying you have to go into depth about everything that has happened to you, but maybe you can say that you saw a segment on the TV and it brought back some old childhood memories for you and you want some help coping.

Maybe you can write a letter to your child self reminding them that this isn't your fault and you didn't deserve it. You can tell your child self all of the things you wish you heard growing up, such as you are a good, strong person.

It's completely natural to feel angry towards people who didn't listen or help when you were a child. It can be extremely hurtful when you rely on people and they fail you. Would it be possible for you to talk through your feelings with some of these people now? If not, perhaps you could write about your feelings towards them in a journal or letter that you don't send. It's also important to keep in mind that just because people didn't listen then doesn't mean people won't listen now. Finding people that will love and support you through this can make a world of difference.

I wouldn't look up the celebrity's personal phone number or personal address, but maybe there's a section where you can submit fan mail. Only do this if you are comfortable with the fact that he may not respond to you. You can say that you saw his interview on TV and it brought back some old memories for you. You can say that it was inspiring that he talked about this openly and you can relate to it, and ask him how he got through it.

I hope all goes well.

Take care,
Dez

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hi, I am sorry you are going through this and I really hope that you will be okay soon. Try to find something that can help get this off your mind. Sending you lots of to help you to feel better.

[Celyn]

It's difficult, trying to carry on with life and then coming across someone else's story that you really relate to and then suddenly all the memories and emotions come back, isn't it? While it can be helpful to hear others stories and relate to them, it can also be very painful, especially if there are things we haven't talked about or dealt with.

Naturally, you are going to be feeling angry and wondering why no-one helped and imaging what life would've, or could've been like, if someone had intervened. Sometimes, people are genuinely unaware of things that go on, or perhaps they may be in denial and don't want to think about what might've been going on. Or maybe someone had suspicions but didn't know how to help, or were worried about what might happen if they had intervened. While it doesn't excuse what happened, it is one way of trying to think about things to help deal with the anger that no-one intervened. You deserved help and I'm really sorry that no one was there for you when you were younger.

You can also think of how different things are today in comparison with when you were younger. For example, professionals have more training on safeguarding issues today than they might've done when you were younger. The same goes for autism and adhd. Professionals now have a much better understanding of autism and adhd (and how that makes us more vulnerable to abuse) then when we were younger. It was probably more common to think that adhd is just being hyper and 'naughty' 20-30 years ago, whereas now we understand that there could be environmental things like being overly stimulated that may be behind behaviour that gets labelled as 'naughty'.

I'm also sorry that you felt your autism and adhd were blamed and that you were made to take anger management, especially if no-one considered reasons besides autism/adhd. It also doesn't help that sometimes professionals don't communicate with other professionals or consider other things. For example, the symptoms of autism/adhd can look like abuse and neglect, so some professionals might focus on one to the exclusion of the other and not think about the possibility of both. But hopefully, with the right training, professionals will be able to do better in this area.

It may not be a good idea to reach out to the celebrity, but I'm wondering if there are others on social media who may have watched the same interview and perhaps shared their own thoughts and experiences online? If it's safe enough, you could also share some of your own thoughts, but even if you don't, it can help to know that you aren't alone. Alternatively, you could also write down your memories and how it makes you feel. You can also think about how far you have come since then, how strong you are and all the good things you've done and have in your life now. You might also want to plan some self-care afterwards and think about distractions and other things to keep busy to try to keep you from re-visiting these memories and keeping you stuck in anger. I also agree with Dez, about trying to talk to someone from your group or someone who is there to support you.

Stay strong <3