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charmbraceletxo Offline
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Is this considered rape? (potentially triggering) - November 12th 2011, 05:46 PM

I apologize in advance for the lengthy post, but for the sake of getting a genuine response, I really need to contextualize the situation.

So, the other night, my ex-boyfriend (we were together for nearly four years) came over to hang out with me for a bit--and we, irresponsibly, had some drinks. Earlier that day (and the night prior to this), he'd been talking about "raping" me, etc., etc.--and although we'd role-played before (during our relationship), it was so upsetting that we agreed to never do it again. When we discussed it, I kind of "brushed it off" so to speak and jokingly gave consent (I wasn't exactly taking him seriously--he thinks rape is worse than murder, so how was I s'pposed to think he was being candid about this?). Anyway, we'd planned on having sex--and once we were both pretty drunk (he much more so than I), we did)...but I was (and still am) in immense physical pain from something that happened a few days prior, and I kept insisting that he be gentle. After the first "incident" (which was completely consensual), he continued to get drunk and started becoming belligerent...and shortly thereafter, we went to grab some food (I was hoping that he'd sober up, but being the big guy that he is, it really wasn't any use). Once we returned to my apartment, he started going nuts--crying (due to our break up), pushing me, saying that he wanted to "die", etc., etc. I kept telling him to calm down and relax--and he started knocking things over and throwing things at me. Being that I live in university housing, my RA came by and wanted to ensure that I was okay (and of course I played it off as if everything was fine)--meanwhile, my ex-boyfriend had poured himself a bath and laid down in the tub with ALL of his clothes on. After my RA left, I went in the bathroom (he'd passed out or something) and helped him up. I dried him off and kept insisting that he go to sleep, but he said he only would if I performed oral sex on him--and of course, I said NO. He then said "at least let me f**k you"--and at that point, I was so annoyed that I initially consented, but told him to be gentle because I wasn't feeling particularly well. Once it started happening, the pain was immense and I began asking him to stop...telling him that I didn't want to do it anymore. He became progressively more brutal/aggressive and ended up throwing me across the room and forcing himself on me in a chair...I kept saying "Please stop...I'm serious...it hurts really bad.." (I wasn't necessarily YELLING because I didn't want my RA to come back and for us to get into trouble). As I continued to plead with him (my voice getting increasingly louder), he kept saying things like, "Shut the f**k up", "I don't care", and "You know you want it." After a while, he finally came to and immediately backed away from me. I texted my friend telling him what had happened and he told me to leave immediately--and when I tried to, my ex snatched my phone and wouldn't let me leave (he started asking me to kill him again, and ended up cutting himself with a knife). After an hour of so's worth of this, I decided to forgo my phone and walked over to my friend's house and stayed the night with her. Throughout the night, he kept calling her phone, calling me a "liar", etc., etc.--it wasn't until yesterday that he realized/admitted to doing something "wrong", and he kept crying and apologizing...claiming that he didn't know he was genuinely hurting me, and that he thought we were role-playing.

My question is: Is this technically "rape"? What irks me is that he initially told me that he didn't remember anything, then he told me that he thought I was just role-playing with him, and now he's telling me that I wasn't being "loud enough" for him to take my pleas seriously. I don't know what to think--the thing is, he's not a bad guy...he's actually a very good guy...but he's acting crazy due to this break up, and I honestly don't know what to do. Was I raped? He claims that I'm over-dramatizing the situation (and he's also claiming that he didn't realize that we had any "boundaries").

What do I make of this?

Last edited by charmbraceletxo; November 12th 2011 at 06:27 PM.
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Re: Is this considered rape? (potentially triggering) - November 12th 2011, 10:10 PM

Technically speaking, it is rape, because you said no.
It doesn't matter if at first you said yes and then you said no. Because you said no, it can be classified as rape.

Now, it's up to you if you want to press charges. Do it if you feel you should.
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Re: Is this considered rape? (potentially triggering) - November 15th 2011, 03:05 AM

I feel like it's my fault, though, given the fact that I initially consented. He finally admitted to what he did, yet maintains that he didn't know he was hurting me (odd?). I don't know what to think/what to make of the situation, anymore. I find myself getting upset over what happened, then reminding myself that he was inebriated and not "himself", essentially. I don't know what to do/think.
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