hallucinations pt. 2

[Em0bxy]

So I was at the hospital(INPATIENT) the other day and while I was there I was seeing this guy in between the two sides of the unit I was on, and he was standing there looking at me, and I asked staff if they saw him too, but they didn't. As time went on more and more of the men started to appear, looking the same, no facial features besides two white dots that occasionally turned red. I started to freak out and told my nurse and she just gave me Benadryl and called my doctor. I started to question whether if everything was real or not and wanted to selfharm really badly. I literally asked Miss Sylvia, the RSS(recovery support specialist), if she was real. I'm so scared of having a psychotic episode during or after my program. I was diagnosed with recurrent MDD with severe psychosis. I disagree with that diagnosis because I get these episodes when I'm not depressed. I don't know what to do, I'm so fucking scared. These episodes have been happening more and more and I have a feeling it's not just MDD anymore. The doctors sent me home even though I was only two days safe and I don't feel 100% safe at home. I hope to get an answer to my hallucinations one day that not just blaming it on my depression, because I Have a gut feeling it's not just depression anymore.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am sorry about all of this that has been going on. Can you try talking to somebody who is in your family about this? Then they can help you.

[Em0bxy]

I could attempt to speak to a family member about this, it could potentially be helpful. Thanks for the idea!

[Em0bxy]

I talked to my mom about it and she's going to help me advocate to my doctors about it and get a change in diagnosis. I had another episode last night and I was quite literally talking to the shadow man. My mom caught me doing it and I felt like I was crazy, I explained the whole situation to her and started crying She didn't exactly understand everything but she said she understood the fear of not knowing what's going on with you. Her anxiety has been really bad lately so she relates to the "What the fuck is going on???" feeling I get afterward.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

That is wonderful talking to your mom. I hope you will be okay soon and she helps you.

[Em0bxy]

I ended up back in the hospital because of these hallucinations, my doctors told me nothing about them, besides the fact they could be trauma related.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Knowing they are trauma related is a good start. Do you have a therapist or doctor outside the hospital who you can talk to to gain a better understanding? Sometimes the hospital does a good job at stabilizing a person but doesn't necessarily help you understand fully where a doctor or therapist on the outside can take more time to explain.

[Em0bxy]

I have an intake in four days so I will shortly have a doctor whom can help me understand my mental health more.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

That's great! Maybe you can write down any questions or concerns you have before you go to your appointment because then you won't forget anything that you want to know. I know sometimes when I go see any type of doctor I sometimes miss something and think of it after, so this helps that to not happen.

[Mindfulness.]

Hi there,

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be so scary, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

It's good to hear that you spoke to your Mum and she is supporting you through this as well as having the intake for a couple of days. Hopefully, it will help you immensely to understand what is happening.

[Em0bxy]

Yeah, my doctors keep telling me it's Major Depressive Disorder w/ Psychosis, but it can happen when I'm not depressed, so I don't know tbh. I feel like they just don't know what to diagnose me with because I'm so young.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

There are definitely diagnoses doctors don’t like giving to young people. Definitely try to at least keep track of your symptoms and how they do or don’t change or how they impact you so you can be honest with your doctors.

[Em0bxy]

ok! ty for the advice