Anorexia:Recovery? Not.

[Ella_Rose]

I've been out of treatment for 1 day. And I already feel the need to starve myself. I did exactly what I wasn't supposed to do when I came home. Weigh myself. I weighed myself, (edited) That is DISGUSTING. I checked in at(edited) . I wasn't even that underweight. But I let them feed me til I got fat again. I just want to starve. Sc rew recovery, I can't handle being fat anymore. It's killing me to look in the mirror. I haven't eaten since I woke up, and I love the empty feeling I have. It's going to kill my family to have to look at me fading once again. They just don't understand how I percieve myself. They'd do the same thing...

[Kindred]

Hi there,

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at the minute. However, know that you aren't alone, and we're always here to support and help you any way we can.

Recovery is by no means easy- I know. I'm not going to lie and say that this is going to be a walk in the park, because that wouldn't be very helpful. However, recovery is worth all the hard work. Imagine a day when you can go the full day without thinking or worrying about calories, or your weight or your body shape. Those days will come. And when they do come, they're fabulous- honestly. It feels fantastic. You can go out and have a good time without that little voice in your head telling you that you aren't good enough. Trust me, you ARE good enough. Those thoughts aren't yours. They belong to this horrible disease that's trying to pull you down.

Whilst you were in treatment, did you receive any help for the mental side of things, like the way you think and your thought processes? Without your mental state changing, relapse is very likely- and it sounds like that's the path you may be heading down now. The way this illness works is that it never allows you to see yourself as you really are. Your eyes see images, then pass them onto the brain which interprets them. However, an anorexic's brain scrambles these images, so they can never actually see how they look: they just see an overweight person staring back at them- even if they're emaciated. You need to trust the eyes of those around you. The aim of treatment wasn't to make you fat, it was to make you healthy. Healthy, so you could live a long full happy life, without running the risk of your heart stopping at any given moment.

Recovery is worth it. Like you've found out, food really isn't optional. You either eat at home, eat in the hospital, eat through an NG tube, or die. There is no other way. Your parents will also be on red alert, so as soon as they notice you aren't eating, it's likely you'll go straight back to your treatment plan. Which might not be a terrible thing, if your mind set hasn't changed. You need treatment for the mental side of things to ensure full recovery. How about having a quick word with your parents and telling them how you feel the urge to starve yourself? Like you said, it'll kill them seeing you fade away for a second time. They only want the best for you. If the situation was reversed, and one of them had this disease, would you just sit back and watch them starve?

You've done brilliantly so far. I know you can continue. It'll be hard, but you are strong. You can beat this illness, don't let it claim your life. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be well again. Please don't be scared of recovery. All everyone wants to do is help you.

We're always here for you. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. Take care,

~Laura

[emma01]

Hey

I think you needed to stay in treatment longer. Many doctors and that who haven't experienced an ED themselves seem to feel that weight restored = brain restored. And that certainly isn't the case. What I mean by this is - its easy to make someone gain weight in a treatment centre, but it really is the mental side that needs to be fixed.

While you may feel the need to starve again - think of it this way, if you lose all the weight again, your parents will find out and you will be re-admitted and you really have to gain the weight back. If you are uncomfortable with the amount of weight you have put on you should discuss it with your doctor who may recommend a diet that will lose you weight healthily, however in your mindset I really think that would be silly.

You really can't win with an eating disorder, you have to gain weight, or you die. Either way you don't get to live your life at an emaciated weight. I really don't mean to be rude but I really want to push you to get more help. ED's are a lot easier to treat when you are not underweight, because instead of being disheartened by weight gain, you just have to fix your mental side!!!!

[survivor16]

First, I'm very sorry you are feeling this way. I know first hand what it feels like to not feel good enough.

I agree with the above posts, getting help is the best thing for you. Dont let yourself fade away. Talk to someone about how you are feeling and that you need help again.
Again, it's not as much gaining weight as it is talking about the feelings you have toward food.

You can get better if you give it another shot and really give it your all.
I know you dont want to feel like this anymore, and you dont have to. The road to recover is not easy but it's so worth it!

I hope that you talk to your parents or a trusted adult and explain how you are still struggling since being out of treatment.
This is a serious thing and it shouldn't be taken lightly!

I hope this helped, message me anytime!
Shelby