Triggering: Ed relapse

[Em0bxy]

So long story short I haven't eaten in over 24 hours, and I'm planning for longer. The shame of eating is back. The checking how many calories are on things are back. binging and starving is back. And my PE teacher knew about my ed and I told her recently I was recovering and then today I told her I hadn't eaten anything and she was like: "I thought you were getting better..." so yeah. now I feel guilty for that. I feel really fat and if I don't get skinny I won't be worth anything and stuff like that...

what do I do?
I want to get better...

[Em0bxy]

shortly after I made this post I was forced to eat by my family. I made it on less than editedcalories yesterday and plan to make today less than editedcalories total. so for two days that's be exactly edited(ik math isn't mathing but I was rounding the first two numbers and not rounding this number) calories exactly...not healthy at all...

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. Relapse is part of the recovery process, and just because you are having a hard time doesn't mean that you have undone the progress that you have made. It doesn't mean that you are a bad person, it just means that you are having a hard time. You can do this!

Calories don't define whether a food is "good" or "bad." It's about the food itself and making healthy choices. Food is not the enemy. Allow yourself to have snacks sometimes because it's all about moderation, not deprivation. Letting yourself have things that you enjoy when you want them can actually make it easier to avoid consuming them in excess because you know that the option to have it does exist. Adding on, try and find healthy foods that make you feel good about yourself and help build a healthy relationship with food.

Wanting to lose weight is not a bad goal to have. It's how you go about it that's important. Your health is the most important. If you are underweight you can still be unhealthy, so maybe try to focus on your health instead of the number on the scale. Keep in mind that engaging in disordered eating behaviors can also lead to long-term health consequences, which can have big impacts on your life and well-being down the road. Using healthy practices, such as eating a balanced diet and exercising regularly, are more likely to benefit you on your journey and in the long-run.

It's good that you told your PE teacher that you are still struggling. I'm glad that you trusted someone enough to talk about it. I don't think her intent was to make you feel guilty. Your PE teacher might have resources for recovery and how to eat healthy and develop an exercise routine that is healthy for you and your current situation, so you may want to consider asking them for those. Even if your PE teacher doesn't have access to those resources, continuing to keep someone in the loop about your progress and your struggles can make recovery feel a little bit easier.

Your weight doesn't define your value. Weight does not define worth. The important thing is treating yourself and other people with kindness, and your overall character. People who define your worth by your weight are not people you want to be around. You likely wouldn't judge someone else for their weight or let it affect how you see their worth, so show yourself that same grace.

You're also at a stage where your body is changing. You're still young and this is the time where your body adjusts. This can include things like fluctuating weight. While it's easy to feel discouraged or be hard on yourself, the best thing that you can do is to show yourself self-love in place of judgment. Maybe you can look in the mirror and try and list at least three things you like about yourself to show that there is something you like about yourself. You can also put on an outfit that makes you feel confident and remind yourself how great you look.

Recovering from an eating disorder is challenging, but I know you can do it! The fact that you're reaching out for help proves that you have the desire and determination to recover. I believe in you!

Take care,
Dez

[Em0bxy]

Thank you...
I also told my homeroom teacher and my social worker at school today about my relapse and it honestly shattered my heart hearing my hr teachers reaction. Wish I never told her but at the same time I was actively bleeding and needed to get shit off my mind, yk?

[Proud90sKid]

Hey, you seem to be having a cluster of issues. I think it honestly may be wise to listen to what your professionals have told you. I saw another post saying your parents allowed you to refuse intensive psychiatric help. Do they know about this issue? Because it is very serious. Eating disorders, particularly anorexia, are the absolute most deadly psychological condition you can have. Literally more dangerous than actively contemplating suicide. Your brain is made of fat. Lack of energy will harm it. Your brain is fully in the developmental years. When you don't eat, your brain atrophies instead of making new connections (same applies to adults too). This can have long term consequences, particularly at your age. This can slow or even reverse some cognitive development.
It is a much bigger deal than wanting to be skinny at 12. I am much older, but because of that I can say: there is nothing that could happen at age 12 that is remotely worth the consequences of this. My honest impression is that I think you need some sort of intervention to keep you from doing further damage to yourself at this age. You have an entire life ahead of you that functionally has not even started. Eating is a normal bodily function. Nothing to be ashamed about there. If you don't eat, that is much worse for you. Also, it is not even an ideal way to lose weight. You mess with your metabolism a lot by starving yourself. Your body tries to adapt by slowing your metabolic rate and cutting some corners by simply producing atrophy to the brain and other organs. Less brain matter, less caloric needs. Your brain is made of fat...in starvation, your body decides to use it as an energy source instead of developing it or allowing it to burn calories instead.

If you aren't eating, at least drink coconut water. It has very high levels of potassium, unlike other "electrolyte drinks" full of sodium. You need potassium to keep from going into a cardiac arrythmia. That is harm reduction, but won't stop the harm. It merely lowers the risk of one specific consequence. You need to be eating.

PE teacher doesn't seem to be taking it seriously enough. You aren't an adult who should be allowed to make life altering decisions, you are a child. Maybe they just don't know how unhealthy this actually is. Your parents should know about this.

Your hr teacher seems to know a lot more. Id listen to her. She isn't disappointed in you, just concerned.

I don't typically pay any attention to people's weight. If anything, being unhealthily skinny would make me pay more attention and not really in a glamorous way- I would just think about how sickly you look and would definitely be thinking about possible anorexia. Nobody is going to look at you and think you are just super fit and envy that. Anorexics look sick, like cancer patients, that's it.

It is scientifically proven that lower nutrition during developmental years hurts your adult cognitive and social functionality. It will actually start slowing you cognitively before adulthood and this can have social consequences as your friends continue to develop in a healthy fashion while you may be stunted. When I was 12, I sort of scoffed at the "brain isnt fully developed until adulthood thing", so I want you to imagine the equivalent for your age: imagine if you were cognitively stunted when younger and now you are entering your current age while mentally and socially behind your peers. That would be bad, right? You are still at risk of this if you stop your development by not eating.

Good luck. Id recommend dropping the goal of losing weight for now. You aren't going about it through healthy means and attempting that now risks being triggered to continue the relapse. It isn't defeat, but a refocus on healthy development. Recovery first, always. Your weight is not very important now. If anything, it is healthier to be a bit over than under at this age. Your brain needs nourishment now more than it does in any future time of your life. Overweight or obese is a very small problem compared to a starvation disorder. Id even go so far as to say you should stop getting on the scale at all. All that will do is trigger unhealthy thoughts.

Weight loss can be addressed later. There is a famous former Sumo wrestler who was highly competitive(and VERY heavy) that has now dropped himself to a good weight using healthy means after retiring from the sport.