Triggering: Ed relapse

[Em0bxy]

So long story short I haven't eaten in over 24 hours, and I'm planning for longer. The shame of eating is back. The checking how many calories are on things are back. binging and starving is back. And my PE teacher knew about my ed and I told her recently I was recovering and then today I told her I hadn't eaten anything and she was like: "I thought you were getting better..." so yeah. now I feel guilty for that. I feel really fat and if I don't get skinny I won't be worth anything and stuff like that...

what do I do?
I want to get better...

[Em0bxy]

shortly after I made this post I was forced to eat by my family. I made it on less than editedcalories yesterday and plan to make today less than editedcalories total. so for two days that's be exactly edited(ik math isn't mathing but I was rounding the first two numbers and not rounding this number) calories exactly...not healthy at all...

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. Relapse is part of the recovery process, and just because you are having a hard time doesn't mean that you have undone the progress that you have made. It doesn't mean that you are a bad person, it just means that you are having a hard time. You can do this!

Calories don't define whether a food is "good" or "bad." It's about the food itself and making healthy choices. Food is not the enemy. Allow yourself to have snacks sometimes because it's all about moderation, not deprivation. Letting yourself have things that you enjoy when you want them can actually make it easier to avoid consuming them in excess because you know that the option to have it does exist. Adding on, try and find healthy foods that make you feel good about yourself and help build a healthy relationship with food.

Wanting to lose weight is not a bad goal to have. It's how you go about it that's important. Your health is the most important. If you are underweight you can still be unhealthy, so maybe try to focus on your health instead of the number on the scale. Keep in mind that engaging in disordered eating behaviors can also lead to long-term health consequences, which can have big impacts on your life and well-being down the road. Using healthy practices, such as eating a balanced diet and exercising regularly, are more likely to benefit you on your journey and in the long-run.

It's good that you told your PE teacher that you are still struggling. I'm glad that you trusted someone enough to talk about it. I don't think her intent was to make you feel guilty. Your PE teacher might have resources for recovery and how to eat healthy and develop an exercise routine that is healthy for you and your current situation, so you may want to consider asking them for those. Even if your PE teacher doesn't have access to those resources, continuing to keep someone in the loop about your progress and your struggles can make recovery feel a little bit easier.

Your weight doesn't define your value. Weight does not define worth. The important thing is treating yourself and other people with kindness, and your overall character. People who define your worth by your weight are not people you want to be around. You likely wouldn't judge someone else for their weight or let it affect how you see their worth, so show yourself that same grace.

You're also at a stage where your body is changing. You're still young and this is the time where your body adjusts. This can include things like fluctuating weight. While it's easy to feel discouraged or be hard on yourself, the best thing that you can do is to show yourself self-love in place of judgment. Maybe you can look in the mirror and try and list at least three things you like about yourself to show that there is something you like about yourself. You can also put on an outfit that makes you feel confident and remind yourself how great you look.

Recovering from an eating disorder is challenging, but I know you can do it! The fact that you're reaching out for help proves that you have the desire and determination to recover. I believe in you!

Take care,
Dez

[Em0bxy]

Thank you...
I also told my homeroom teacher and my social worker at school today about my relapse and it honestly shattered my heart hearing my hr teachers reaction. Wish I never told her but at the same time I was actively bleeding and needed to get shit off my mind, yk?